Coming out of the Closet

Well, you see, one thing on my list of things to do when I gave up FB for 40 days, was to clean out my closet. I was feeling like I had too much. I actually was pretty poor as a young girl and have found there are certain things I tend to hold onto as an adult because of this.

One thing is food. DON'T touch my food. If it's on my plate- it is mine and I ain't into sharing~! Also, I always like to have back-ups on hand. You know gotta have an extra ketchup, mustard, salad dressing, mayo...don't want to run out. I eat most everything in a unique and loving way and I sometimes hide food to ensure I get some- and no one else eats it!

The other thing is my clothing. I have been given clothes- hand-me-downs- and for whatever reason, I may not really like them, but I keep them- just in case. I have clothes that don't fit me- but I keep them-just in case. I have clothes that are ancient- but I keep them just in case. LOL

So, getting back to the point, I went through and got rid of a couple bags of clothing from my big closet. It is not walk-in, but it is actually 2 closets with a long shelf over top. I used every inch of the bar for hang up clothing and then folded clothes on the shelf above. I have shoes and bags on the floor of it.- And, yes, they go all the way across as well.

It felt good to have gotten rid of some things. The next day, I slid open the door and I went to grab something off the hanger. I knew exactly where to grab as all of my things are hanging up according to likeness and color. Low and behold, it wasn't there. I looked, and to my dismay, NOTHING was there! I looked down and there was the bar, with all of the clothing, laying on the floor! UGH!

 

Frustrated, I called my husband and told him about the ordeal. I took most things out of the closet because some wood actually broke and the bar was bent...

He fixed things up and I began to hang thing up again. I got about half way through (after deciding not to hang up my wedding dress or heavy wool winter coat) and as I walked away I heard a big CRASH! NO! The bar had fallen again AND the shelf had come undone!! "WHAT??!!" I said, "I give up!"

I walked over and looked at the clothes on the floor of the closet again. I looked at the clothes on the loveseat beside the bed. I shook my head. I still had so much! Was he seriously telling me I should get rid of more? (He had made the comment after the first fix and second fall...)

Well, I had been in a state of refusal. I refused to understand how this closet which held more of my clothes over the past 8 months, could suddenly not be capable of withstanding the load! I was determined that I had gotten rid of enough. I liked keeping my clothes. There was comfort, somehow in knowing I had so much.

My husband was going to have one or two friends come and give him some pointers on how to fix the problem. I began thinking about the possibility of them teasing me when they witnessed all that I had and I became embarrasses and ....Then it hit me. I am tired of living in a messy clothes-filled room. I am tired of my closet breaking. I should not have so many clothes that I KNOW others would look and be amazed and possibly think I had a problem....I set out to give clothes to people who really NEEDED some- not some "just in case" but really actually NEEDED....and I had kept soooo much!

I am going to make myself change. I am going to go through and get rid of anything I have not worn in the past year. THAT should get rid of a lot of clothes!

Isn't this how we are though? We get comfortable. We like to keep comfortable. Even when what is bringing us comfort is breaking, causing problems, making a mess....we want to keep it....for some reason....

The next entry from me will be different. It will be pictures of a neat and tidy, fixed closet- with LESS. It will be of my experience and emotions as I cleaned it up and got a little uncomfortable...by getting rid of an old habit.....

Yes- it will be more about me coming out of the closet with this embarrassing part of me and my living...and hopefully, it will inspire someone not to feel so bad about their own issues.... :)

Sometimes the Best Things Cannot Be Planned...by Us

The girls and I recently finished reading Anne of Green Gables. We decided to watch the movie and eat popcorn to celebrate!

It was such a good story with powerful life lessons in it throughout- but I think a huge life lesson can be found that seems almost like a thread that is weaved through the story from beginning to end.

Anne came into the lives of Marilla and Matthew sort of unexpectedly. Yes, they knew they would be taking in an orphan- but they were expecting (wanting) a boy. There plans were to have a young man who could do some manual labor and work hard with Matthew.

Anne was a frail young girl. The only thing big about her was the gift of gab that she possessed! It was clear from the start that she was not what they were looking for.

To Anne, however, Marilla and Matthew and Green Gables was just what she wanted. More than she expected and where she really wanted to be and stay.

Three different perspectives...Anne was happy with what she had from the beginning there with them. Matthew seemed like he was not far behind in recognizing that maybe what he had thought he wanted or was hoping for, wasn't meant to be and that maybe Anne was just what was needed in their lives.  He didn't seem so "hell-bent" if you will, on having things the way he planned. Marilla, on the other hand- it seemed to take longer for her. She was somewhat a "take charge" "planning" kind of person.

For those of us with that kind of personality, we understand that sometimes when our best-laid plans- our hopes- our desires- or even our dreams go awry- we can take a little longer to accept the new way... the unplanned... the unknown...

I am by nature a planner. I have been as long as I can remember. Planning everything- names, vacations, schedules, meals, budgets. I enjoy knowing what is in store. I enjoy thinking and figuring things out.

This year so far, though, has handed me things one-by-one that I have been very shocked by. Things that were not in my plan, my hopes, my dreams. I am learning that something I have lacked in this life has been the ability to just surrender and relax and know that whatever happens, happens for a reason. That undoubtedly there is a reason for it...and it will all work out for some sort of good.

In the story- we all come to find out that not only were the Cuthberts and Green Gables a wonderful blessing to Anne- just what she needed to flourish in this life- SHE was exactly what THEY needed as well. Ahhhhh..... I love a happy ending! :) How much sweeter life is, when we learn to just be grateful for what has been given to us and truly appreciate our blessings and allow them to work in our lives, instead of trying to figure it all out on our own!

LOVE always PERSEVERES

This is to persevere: To persist in or remain constant to a purpose, idea, or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement.

As I watched the Passion of the Christ last night, It was not the first time I had watched. It was not the second. But somehow last night as I watched, I was overwhelmed in thinking about how calmly Jesus acted in the midst of betrayal. How calm he stood before His accusers. How calm he was as they antagonized and spit on him and attacked his character. As he received the flogging, he was in pain at the very least, for sure- pieces of his flesh being ripped from His body- and he was calm. As he hung on the cross- a tortureous, humiliating death suitable for the worst kinds of criminals- he actually prayed for the people who put Him there. He prayed and asked for them to be forgiven for they didn't realize what they were doing. This was a huge demonstration of remaining constant for a purpose in the face of obstacles....perseverance.

No one really questions whether of not Jesus existed. They do, however, question who He really was. Who was this man that history has recorded as doing many wonderful things while here- and making a lot of people very angry while he was here- and while being innocent of any real crime- was killed as a criminal while here- and then was unable to be found in the tomb he was burried? Some people dismiss Him of being anyone important at all.

There are eye-witness, recorded accounts of people who saw this man after He was raised from the dead. Of these people who saw Him, many are recorded as dying later (martyrs) because of their belief in Him. If I was going to question who He was...all I would have to do, really, is look to the ones who believed so strongly in who He was, because they were with Him the whole time. They were there while he performed miracles and preached, while he was persecuted and stayed so calm, when he died and was burried, and when he rose from the dead and showed Himself to them.

Some were crucified like Jesus. Some were crucified upside-down. Some died by the sword or spear. Why would any of them die for a person that was a liar? No, I believe they believed so strongly as they saw Jesus set on his course of love for others. Giving up Himself completely, in all humility, as a sacrifice for all and then, after dying, being raised from the dead- just as He said.

"No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily. For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again. For this is what my Father has commanded." John 10:18.

If he wasn't who He said He was, and He didn't do what has been recorded in History, and I had been following Him, I would have been embarrassed. I would not have wanted to be associated with it all. I would never have died for Him - or because of my belief in Him. Why would they?

But, He did what He did. He died like He did. He was ressurrected like He was, so that we could be forgiven. So that we could know that kind of selfless love and try to implement, in our own lives, the kind of love that He demonstrated. LOVE THAT PERSEVERES.

LOVE ALWAYS HOPES!!

HOPE defined:
1.To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.

1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: We hope that our children will be successful.

2. To expect and desire.

How fitting! I just went to see the movie "Soul Surfer" today with some of my family and some friends.

The movie (in case you don't know) is about Bethany Hamilton. She was a young surfer who had ambitions of going pro. Then, one day, as she was hanging out in the ocean on her board with a friend, a shark came and took one of her arms. It was a miracle she survived because she lost 60% of her blood. But, that wasn't where the story ended at all.

She believed (hoped) that she could do all things through Christ who strengthened her. (Phil 4:13- I believe) She believed (hoped), and when she would get discouraged, her family had that hope for her. She went on to compete as a competitive pro surfer with that one arm and she inspired thousands of people along the way!

One thing I loved that she said in the movie went something like, "I wouldn't change a thing because I have been able to reach out to so many people that I never would have been able to with two arms."

In LOVE....there is always HOPE. Even in our darkest moments. LOVE ALWAYS HOPES!

LOVE ALWAYS HOPES. When we love someone, we want to see thier dreams come true. We wish the BEST for them and we have confidence in them!

Love Always TRUSTS

Trust- Trust- Trust-
This one is not easy for me....
Have you gotten the feeling that none of this LOVE stuff is all that easy for me?

TRUST- 1.Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing. 2. Custody; care. 3.Something committed into the care of another

I believe it is easy to understand why this part of love is hard for me.

For me to put firm reliance on the integrity, ability or character of a person or thing means that I would be putting my faith in their integrity, ability or character. I mean, I have been around the block a few times, and it didn't take me long to learn that other people, when given that reliance, or given my heart, or given my vulnerability in that I really open up to them- I can end up being let down. Hurt. Disappointed. I can walk away feeling like they really didn't care as much as I thought. Or that I should just take care of myself, because I am sure that I will try really hard not to let myself get hurt or let down....

The truth of the matter though, as I say all of that out loud, is that most of the people in my life who have let me down are human beings...on a path...fighting the good fight..TRYING. I am a human being...the same goes for me and even though I want to protect myself, sometimes I hurt myself through poor choices. Sometimes I let myself down and I disappoint myself.

If I really chose not to trust those around me, I would be choosing to live in complete seclusion. That pain would be deeper than any other, if you ask me. I have to trust- but the level of trust I give another person is always going to depend on how TRUSTWORTHY they have been. I have to make the smart decisions not to just spill my soul to a complete stranger and then expect that I am in good hands! Trust develops over time. Trust is valuable and should not be taken lightly.

In a loving relationship with another person, it is a must. How can you really open up to another- really become exposed and share your needs, desires, deepest secrets, biggest fears and best accomplishments with a person you cannot trust? And if a person has been shown that they cannot trust you, can you expect all of that from them?

NO! What we hand over to another that can put us in a place of being open for wounds by them is a precious thing. It cannot happen without LOVE. I know some people, I simply cannot trust. I care about them, but I cannot open myself up as much to them, as they have proven again and again that they will hurt me. There are others, though, that I have opened up to so much and they have proven again and again that the last thing on earth they WANT to do is to hurt me- even if occasionally it happens- it is never intentional and it is a freak thing if it happens- not an everyday occurance.

The ONE person, if you will, though, that has never let me down. Never hurt me...never disappointed me in any way- is GOD.

God IS love and He can always be trusted!

Nothing Short of a Miracle!!

I went to the female doctor on April Fool's Day.

I was concerned as I had been having some different things going on with my cycle..and I noticed a lump in a breast. Figured I should go get checked out- so I did.

I wasn't prepared for the news I would receive when I went. I had already pretty much determined that I had some hormonal changes going on. (They don't think that is the problem- I am not convinced it is not. I know my body very well. I notice little changes and things that most people probably easily overlook. The human body fascinates me and I try to learn as much about how it functions as I can because of that. Everything I have read leans towards these hormonal changes happening even up to 10 years before a woman enters memopause and I believe I am right around that mark.) ANYWAY....

During my exam, she was explaining to me that sometimes, cysts, fibroids, or cancer cells can cause the kinds of issues I had been having. I was a little nervous.

Then she said, "Does this hurt?" I said, "Yes...there is a little shooting pain right there." She informed me that she felt a little mass and believed I should get it checked- ultrasound and possibly a biopsy. She continued with the exam and said , "Ok, this ovary feels fine...and so does this one. By the way, your uterus is tilted a little back."

"I know", I told her. "I found that out years ago..."

I made the appointments in their office as she had suggested. An internal ultrasound and possible biopsy right after the weekend, and a mammogram that Friday. (She agreed about the lump in my breast and felt it should also be looked into a bit more.)

I left the office and called my husband to let him know what took place and that I would be on my way to Dick's to get out T-shirts for the Rockies Home Opener which we would leave for as soon as I made it home. He answered, "Hello!" I fell apart! Weeping. Sobbing. I could barely talk. I was shocked. I was scared. BIOPSY??? What?

I was so blessed with many positive words of encouragement. Emails, texts, phone calls from friends and family that I informed what was going on and asked to keep me in their prayers, were coming in just about non-stop the rest of the day. It was such a comfort to feel so much love.

I did fine over those next couple days- I kept pretty busy. Night time was hard. I would wake up teary-eyed. I was having bad dreams. I was not resting very well at all.

Sunday, some wonderfully sweet people gathered around me after service and had me sit in the middle of the gathering in a chair. Some of them rested their hands on me. Some of them knelt beside me. I was surrounded by love. I was surrounded by faith. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I closed my eyes as tears streamed and I listened to their words as they prayed to God and asked Him to restore me to be the way I was when I was being formed by Him in my mother's womb. I listened as they called out to Him that He was GOOD and could be TRUSTED and would be GLORIFIED no matter what. I listened as they thanked Him for me and for my family. They prayed for peace. They prayed for rest. One prayed that fear had no sting and that he felt he could hear my victoious laughter as God would be glorified and everything would be fine.I prayed and thanked Him for all the love that surrounded me. I thanked Him for being the great I AM- always with us. The Gentle Healer. I prayed that I could lay down everything before Him- just give my worries, fears, burdens, joys, sorrows, life- everything to Him and leave it there with His help. I could hear some others crying- mostly my daughters.

After, dear friends reminded us of a story they had told us before of their daughter whose body was calcifying inside. They had x-rays that showed it. They took her back and had more x-rays and the doctor looked at them and saw nothing. He said, "Why are you here again?" God had healed her!

Later that day, some other dear friends who had been part of that prayer time, brought a fleece blanket to our house. You know, the kind you tie all the way around. Baseballs on one side (their family) basketballs on the other (our family). They attached a note that said as each knot was tied, a prayer was said. I snuggled with that blanket and as I did, I remembered and treasured all the prayers I knew had been and were being said on my behalf.

I slept with that blanky that night. I slept so well. No bad dreams. No waking up with tears.
I went into the doctor's office Monday morning after teaching my morning Zumba class at Curves and as the doctor looked around he said, "I don't see anything." I smiled and looked at my husband each time he said it. I knew prayers had been answered! He actually even told me that my uterus wasn't even tilting back. "WOW! Praise God!", was all I could think!

The power of prayer is amazing. I see this whole thing as nothing short of a miracle. I believe! I believe and I am thankful! SO thankful!

I still have a mammogram to go to on Friday. But, I have such a sense of peace. God IS in control. I CAN and DO trust Him. I already talked to Him about this before, when I was scared and unsure. No matter what He allows in my life from this point on- I am going to - with His help- serve Him by loving others and lifting Him up. I wish to leave those around me feeling better, feeling blessed, feeling joy and peace and love. That will be my life's goal from here on out!

Life, my friends, is nothing short of a miracle!!

One Thing Remains

Yesterday it was so hot; we were sitting outside in shorts and flip flops and we were getting tan- even sweating!
Today it is so cold it is snowing!
Life is like that. Nothing is constant. Everything changes.

Well, wait. "One thing remains."

Yes...in all the uncertainty that goes along with this life we live, I find one constant. One thing that never changes. A perfect love.


Higher than the mountains that I face.
Stronger than the power of the grave.
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing remains,
One thing remains

Your love never fails -It never gives up
It never runs out on me.

Because on and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul.
And I never, ever,
Have to be afraid

One thing remains,
One thing remains

In death, in life,
I'm confident and covered
by the power of Your great love
My debt is paid,
There's nothing that can separate
My heart from Your great love

That's my song right now. I am thankful that one thing remains. :)

Emotions and Thoughts Running Wild

I woke up early and felt like this all must have been a dream....

Waves tossing, thoughts crossing.
Head spinning, mind racing.
Nothing is guaranteed. Is all the sin catching up to me?

I rely on grace, love, mercy. Has it run out?
When she told me I DID have a lump- it made it real- it wasn't just me. I AM human. I AM frail.

Then, there was more. I had no idea THAT was in store. What do you mean there is something else?
How can that be? How can that be?

I am on my knees. I am on my knees. God, have mercy on me.
You have blessed me so much, I don't want to give that all up.
I know I have taken things for granted. I know I have been less than thankful more than some of the time.
But, the reality is that I AM THANKFUL. I AM BLESSED.

I feel this opression. This finger pointing at me telling me to cower...to run...to sink...
I tell this finger- "NO". I cannot give in. I will not give in. I am strong. I am going to turn away from fear- or maybe face it- and I am going to overcome.

"This is just a lump. That is just a thing. My God has my back. My God loves me. My God will give me peace. YOU cower."

Maybe this was just what I needed. Maybe I just needed to understand more fully how precious life is- how much I am loved and how much I love.

I am on my knees. I am feeling so human...so frail...so uncertain....But somehow, when I get back on my knees I feel strength. I feel peace. I feel courage. I feel His love. I feel His mercy. I feel His grace.