I live in a house of 4 teenage girls right now (along with one tween girl).
I have always loved teens and terrible two's...though I have often heard comments (some extremely negative) concerning both of these age groups. Both of these groups have always held my interest as they are such developmental times in life!
The thing about these times of life is that the young person is becoming their own person. They are defining themselves. Discovering their limits (sometimes they think limits don't apply to them), likes dislikes.... they begin to truly develop a sense of self.
Sometimes, as we grow as humans we make a hard swing to one end of the pendulum as we work our way into a balance...this is true of teens just as it is a human being of any other age.
Most people don't enjoy someone breathing down their neck saying "Do this , Don't do that." Or judging their every move. Why would this be any different for a teenager?
I am not perfect. But, I have teens. (No, they aren't perfect, either.) I was a teen and I work with and know a lot of teens. Let me just say this.... so many times, I hear people talking about all these problems with teens, when the fact of the matter is that there may not necessarily be such a problem with the teens as there may be with how their actions and behaviors are being handled by others.
My personal belief, is that as a parent or guardian, you think about the final outcome of the life you are raising, as you are raising it. When my little ones were infants, I was already thinking about them as teens and adults. I pictured a temper tantrum at 2 being acted out at 16. If I didn't learn how to handle it- and teach them at a young age what was acceptable behavior and what was not at a young age, I know it would be more difficult to address as they got older.
I had a playpen I called "baby-jail" when they were little. This way they could not follow me around screaming, etc. and I had a safe place to put them while they tried this. I also, when they got older would tell them they could go in their room and scream, hit their pillow, etc if they were angry- but it was not acceptable to scream at others or get physical. (This taught them that they were allowed to have emotion- but had limits on when where and how to show and handle those emotions.) They were always aloud to talk to me about their thoughts and feelings as long as it was done in a respectful and appropriate way.
I taught my kids that they always had a choice. Respond- don't React to people and situations. No one can MAKE you do or say anything. Again, keeping in mind while they were young if they thought someone could make them do something it would only be magnified as they got older. (This is teaching them self-control and how to handle peer pressure.)
Each year, as they got older, I told myself that I was going to need to step back so they could grow. There were choices they needed to make and learn how to chose wisely...learn that sometimes, even if I would give them advice, that at times, them messing up was going to be the best way for the to learn. (This helped them learn how to make choices and decisions.)
Sometimes, teenagers, like any other human being can seem self-centered. The key here is remembering, this is not just a teen thing- but a human race thing. I think a wonderful way to combat this is to help give them opportunities to serve others. You would be amazed by how this even helps adults realize the world isn't all about them as well and how good it feels to focus on someone other than yourself. Try serving WITH teens- you can learn together!
Sometimes teens are "Know-It-Alls". But we can all be that way, too. I realize that teens have the ability to be very smart and also very stubborn- don't we all?? I do joke with my teens when they act this way and call them "KIA". It's become my non-threatening sort of joking way of reminding them that I am much older and have been through a lot more- but I will let them make their decision and see where the cards lay after I give my input and they do what they know is best. Sometimes, it's just how we end a debate. I will simply say, "OK KIA, I am done arguing." (It is OK to agree to disagree!!)
In short, Speaking of that "balance continuum" I know teens with absolutely no limits with parents who simply don't seem to care and I know teens who have parents who are SO in control of their teens' lives you would think they were still toddlers. Both groups have many issues. The ones who feel their parents don't care try desperately to get attention from their parents and others- in both good and bad ways, at times. The ones whose parents are ultra-strict, tend to sneak and try to become who they are without their parents finding out. There needs to be a balance in between the two. This way, the teens you love know you love them and will talk to you and keep you informed and might actually even care about your opinions and feelings! THIS is a "relationship".Two people caring about and thinking about the other and considering decisions based on impact they have on all.....there is a sense of being connected and sharing life.
My theory, is that there isn't really a problem with teens as much as there is a problem with others forgetting that they are people just like every other human being and that soon- very soon- they will be unsupervised all the time and in charge of their own life.
What we should be doing at this stage of the game, is guiding them. Letting them become more and more independent and telling ourselves all the while that in 1,2,3,4 and even 5 years, we will not be there. What can we do now to help ensure they will be fully functional, thriving adults without us?
