If you know me, you know I love kids! All kids! However, my very favorite age group of kids happen to be teenagers.....
People think I am crazy or a saint because of this. But, the reality is that we all have different talents and gifts and to the people who think teens are difficult, but babies are easy, I would say that YOU are crazy or a saint! ;)
I like the teen years because it is a time of huge developmental change. Hormones are raging, brains are racing, social skills are demanding and independence is flaring! What an exciting time!!
With my own children (all girls), I have sort of counted down to their adulthood officially when they turned 13.
13th birthday- In 5 years, you will be an adult.
14th birthday- In 4 years, you will be an adult.
15th birthday- In 3 years, you will be an adult.
16th birthday- In 2 years, you will be an adult.
17th birthday- In 1 year, you will be an adult.
Otherwise known as a GROWN UP! :)
Honestly, that is as far as we have come so far....
If I did my job correctly in the formative years- which many say ends personality wise around 9, then at this stage of the game, in my mind, my job has become largely that of a Guide.
When they were very little, I had many more rules. I picked out food, clothing, friends, hang outs and the like. I did a lot of teaching and explaining to my girls along the way always having in the back of my mind, that as they grew, I would have less and less rules and prayerfully and hopefully, they would have learned enough from me to make good choices.
Teaching them to make good choices was definitely part of the journey.
I would explain why I made the choice I made. I explained to them why I felt this outfit was appropriate and this one was not. I told them why eating this food was better than that one. I gave them insights into relationships with people and how to choose friends wisely, but how important it was to be kind to everyone.
All of the time and energy used to do this was of good use. In my mind, I knew if I put the extra work and effort in while they were so young and formative, they would grown up evaluating and thinking and looking at things from different angles....
As they got older, I gave them more and more choices.... If they needed help, I would help them create pros and cons lists. I would help them look at something from another perspective. I encouraged them to ask questions.
I was never a "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" Kind of parent. To me that did nothing to help them develop, except teach them to just chew up and swallow what someone else was saying without thinking. I didn't want my kids to grown up into adults who didn't think for themselves. I didn't want them to grow into an adult who didn't know they could and sometimes should question authority. I did teach them how to do it respectfully, though.
I am and always have been honest with my kids. If I yell, they know I am yelling to get their attention. I am not a good "yeller" and I don't do it well, so at times it can be quite comical. (Like the time it made me pee.....)
I don't usually swear, but they know that when I do, it is because I am at my last effort in grabbing their attention.Yelling and swearing are not things I like, either, and they also know that.
They know I mess up. They also know that when I do, I admit it and I ask forgiveness. I am not a perfect anything.... parent, wife, sister, friend, daughter. I am honest with my kids because I think they need to know perfection is not expected of them, either. Just that they try their best. Their best- not my best, or their friend's best or sister's best--- whatever best looks like for them!
My kids know my faith and it is a faith I have tried my best to teach them. But, we have also looked at the faith of others and we have explored other beliefs.
As a mother of teens, my biggest thing is that they TALK WITH ME. I am here ALWAYS and for ANYTHING and I will NEVER stop loving them. They know there is simply NOTHING they can do or say that will change my love for them.
I will give them advice- sometimes when they don't want it. I will continue to guide and teach and educate them. But, let's face it, I would be doing them an injustice if I were still trying to call all the shots and then expecting them to go out into the world in 1 year, 2 years- even the next 3-5 years and make good decisions for themselves!
They are each different, as individuals often are, so things vary from person to person. I try my best to treat each of them as an individual while respecting the fact that I also try to be somewhat fair.
But honestly, one of them likes and cares way more than the others about make up and hair. One has problems in math and needs more time to study. One is so self-driven that it sometimes makes me nervous! One loves TV and is a great story teller. But, they are all girls, too and so they have similarities in that....
Of course they have each been attracted to a boy- isn't that how God made us? Completely normal! However, we discuss why they are attracted and when they want to have a boyfriend- WHY that is... and they KNOW across the board that the age may vary, but we will ALWAYS want to know their friends and their boyfriends as our kids are more precious to us than our cars and our home.... and just as we would never give keys to either of those things to a stranger, we won't give our daughters to a stranger!!
I would rather they start practicing while they are here with me (when I can still guide them and help them through difficulties), rather than beginning to make their own decisions and running their lives more independently when they leave here for the first time. At that point in time, I want them (and me) to be confident that they CAN DO IT! They have more knowledge, skills and experience already..... when life throws them curve balls, they won't just get hit between the eyeballs!
The cool thing is, that it has worked so far for us.
My girls talk to me. They know I have an open mind. That I am not going to be judgmental. That I am looking out for them and their best interest even if I give them advice they don't agree with or like.
I am not saying I never have to say no. Or set limits. I do. I am just selective about it. And I am more selective about the limits I set and what I say no to, the older they get.
I understand that this is also necessary because a relationship where one person calls all the shots and the other has no input- isn't really a true relationship. It's a dictatorship. This can lead to huge breakdown. Kids sneaking and lying and hiding. On the other hand, a relationship where a person just steps back and says nothing and does nothing is also no kind of relationship, either! It says you don't really care- and so why should I come to you? Why should I value your opinion? In either instance, certain kids in households with these kinds of parents often run to others more way more than their parents to find their worth and to get information and guidance.
There has to be a balance. That is true of everything in life. Balance is key. And the balance will vary from person to person as each person is different.
I am convinced that even though so many people think and say the teenage years are the worst, they don't have to be. As the youthful independence of our children rises up, we need to respect and nurture and guide it- not try to crush it!!
I am convinced that this world IS crazy place- therefore, I need to be a place and a person of safety and trust and love for my kids. I need to protect that relationship from the craziness of the world and sometimes from the abundant and potential-to-be-overbearing love of a parent! I am the adult here, after all. So, it is my job to make this happen! I don't take it lightly. I pray all the time about it. And, just as I teach my children- I do MY BEST with it. Less than that is just not acceptable!
