I had my first child when I was 24.5. I had my last when I was 29.5. I had FOUR in FIVE years. Not complainging about that. I really wanted to have them close together. Our hope is that they will always be best friends - there for eachother thru life!
People told me that when I had children my life would completely change- I thought they didn't know what they were talking about. I had worked with children and adults with disabilities, I had nannied, I had been serviing people and teaching them for a long time. How different could having kids be?? HA! My life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. My husband and I also made the decision that our children would be homeschooled, and not watched by people who were not in our family until they were able to talk well enough to give us details of time spent with people- and had a good foundation of good verse bad, etc. I had some part time jobs along the way while raising and homeschooling my four girls. Watched other kids, cleaned houses, worked for a church part time, worked part time at Gap Kids...things like that.
I liked homeschooling. I loved my kids. But as my husband said, "You like Chocolate ice cream, does that mean you would want it for every meal every day?" The answer became over the years, "No."
The thing was, I did absolutely nothing anymore that represented my own identity. No scrap booking, no horseback riding, no fitness, no dancing. We might have gone out on a date once a year- maybe twice.
I got to the point where I felt like my life consisted of living in a shadow. Supporting and aiding everyone else in my life with their dreams and desires and completely forgetting my own.
Food became a fantastic friend. So did watching TV. I am an introvert anyway, so slowly but surely, I didn't even want to come out of the house. We had moved to Illinois when my oldest was about 11 and I didn't really know people there and I really missed my family and my friends in Ohio....it was easier to just stay to myself and go out to my kids' activities, go to homeschooling co-op and that was more than enough.
I came to the end of my rope. My husband and I began having some marriage trouble. I really felt pushed over the edge. We had no church home as we had all the other years of our marriage. No accountability. No "help".
That's when it happened. A neighbor about 10 years younger than me, started inviting me to go for walks. on those walks we would end up running, doing lunges, crunches, talking. I felt the burn again. I remembered how much I missed that feeling. ( Working out had always been a huge part of my life- I was the 12 year old in the house working out to Jane Fonda videos alone, the girl in jr. high lifting weights with the guys after school, the college gal working at Bally's).
I started taking Zumba Fitness classes. I started remembering what it felt like to have my own identity....and BOY, did I let that feeling take over!!
Yes, I was working out again, and that was a good thing for I was up to about a size 16 and the end-of-pregnancy weight I had been before- and getting unhealthier by the minute! But, for about 2 years, I fed my own desires. I thought more about myself that anyone, really. I wasn't as thorough even in homeschooling my girls. I would leave my family time and time again just to do my own thing and be away. I went out with friends. I lavished myself with gifts- actually needed clothes as I lost weight- but it seemed like I cared more about my own clothes, than those of my children! Handbags, shoes, sunglasses- I had to have them.
UGLY. SELFISH. SELF-SEEKING. GROSS. SELF-CENTERED. ALL ABOUT ME. UNCARING.
Thankfully. we moved. I didn't want to move- but it WAS the best move.
With the move, we found a home church right away- which was a great thing as it was already bringing our family back to that foundation it had always had thru the years before we moved to Illinois. My kids needed me. My husband was sure he had not realized before being apart from us all for about 4 months, how much he needed all of us.
I find myself right now- regretting the way I seemed to have "checked out" of my family for a while. I can only tell others from my own experience, that it is so important to keep up with your own identity. Yes, serve and love others, but you can't let them become your life. You still have to see who you are- and do the things you were designed to do. For some people, that may be to wrap your whole world around your children and your husband. What I have found for myself and many other ladies I know is that I am better for myself, my husband and my kids when I have a balance.
I need to be about them. But, there are other things in life I am passionate about- and I cannot just push those things aside as if they don't exist. It makes me unbalanced and unhealthy.
Right now- I have my passions with my husband and children and I have my passions with things I am doing outside of that. I am a much happier me...and a much less selfish me. I love to work on the things outside of my family that are helping others- and I love the time I get with my family. Probably enjoying both aspects of life NOW, more than ever!
Hope this story of my selfishness helps someone else - hopefully, someone else can avoid going thru it!
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