My whole life I have been forgiving. Chosen the high road. Focused on positive.
This year was the most difficult of my life mentally, emotionally and physically as our family's entire life changed when my husband was diagnosed with Leukemia. Everything and I mean absolutely everything changed. My roles. The amount of time I could invest in anything other than taking care of my husband and my four girls diminished to being pretty much non-existent. I didn't sleep in my bed or any bed for about 4 months out of six... maybe more. I could not hang out with friends. I could not attend my kids' events. I no longer taught my fitness classes. Grocery shopping- planning meals, cooking- what were those things? Asking for help? I went from being one of the most helpful people I know to being in need of the most help. I felt as though I went from being healthy and having a great life to being helpless and sick (without actually being sick).
The strangest thing happened. In the midst of me trying to do what was best for the five people in my life I had to bare the biggest responsibility for, and keep my own head above water so I could actually function enough to still do that, I had some people who simply said, "What do you need?" and they did whatever it was no questions asked. I had some who knew I wasn't thinking clearly and they just did SOMETHING, ANYTHING that they imagined might help. Others, though, they completely backed off- they disappeared. Or they became angry as they disliked a choice I made or the way I handled something. I had a flood of people I never really knew before becoming my biggest support and I had some that I thought might be my biggest support in a time like this who were just not there- or even worse- made a huge freaking stink of a drama and put even more crap on my already way too full plate. Then there were also those who lingered. They didn't push their way in to be present, but I knew that if I called them, I could count on them.... they called once in a while or sent a card. I am forever grateful to the many, many people who were there. Who didn't judge me at the time in my life when nothing made sense- including my thought process and actions, at times, but chose to love me through it - whatever that looked like.
What a mix! I realized in this struggle that in reality, nothing changed. It was just that what already existed in people was magnified... Myself, included. And this might actually be my biggest struggle now.
A huge wake up call came to me over the past nine months. I had been told I lived in a bubble and boy did I! I ALWAYS looked for the best, focused on positive, overlooked the bad.... It seemed though, that through this time of crisis, the pain and strain and overload I was under, couldn't, wouldn't and didn't allow for any kind of leeway. I quite bluntly had to call it like I saw it. And, now, I am left feeling like weeds have grown in my life and that in large portion, I have allowed those weeds to grow and have not pulled them. Now, they need pulled and their roots are deep and they are sturdy and I wish I had noticed them growing before so I could have yanked them- but I didn't....I chose to ignore them and focus on flowers.... and now I struggle to do what I know needs done.
The struggle is real, but I can't allow the weeds to take up space in a beautiful garden when they suck the life out of things I purposely planted and water and care for that I want to grow. Including weeds that attack me- almost as if they are poison ivy..... those weeds are the most deadly. I picture that old cartoon where the weeds reach over and strangle the plants beside them and that's how I feel. They make me feel like I can't breathe, like I need to escape.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
I Hope You Dance
I'm going to share a piece of my story that was a very painful part of my life. I am sharing it simply because I hope it encourages you to talk and lets you know that if you need someone who will listen, I will, without judgement.
When I was in the end of my 5th grade year, I was 10ish? My very best friend (only the second best friend I had ever had in my life because we moved so much) called me up after school to see if I wanted to go on a bike ride with her. I was home alone, but always a responsible kid, so I told her I couldn't go because I had some things I had to do at home- chores- I told I would go with her after I finished.
Before I knew it, my phone was ringing and kids from school were calling me and asking if I was ok. They were telling me my best friend died.
That seemed impossible. I just spoke with her. Someone was playing a not funny joke, I thought.
Pretty soon a friend that I trusted who was pretty mature for his age called me and asked if I was ok. I told him about the not funny joke and he told me it wasn't a joke. He told me to call and talk to her mom. He told me she had been hit, by a drunk driver while riding her bike. He was there. I knew it then that it must be true. I could hear it in his voice.
I called her mom. It was true.
I was still home alone and I threw everything I could around our apartment. I was so ANGRY. How does this happen? WHY does this happen? She was so young! She was my best friend!
And then, GUILT. I was supposed to be with her. What if I was there? Maybe I could have caught her as she flew back down from the air? Maybe I would have been hit and not her? I SHOULD HAVE .....This is my fault. I could have stopped it. I still cry as I type this, because I can remember that pain.
I considered ending my life. I didn't want to live.
"Rainbow Connection" was the song they played at her funeral- she loved that song.... and to this day, when I see a rainbow or hear this song, I think of her.....
I went on living, though, I cried a lot. I hurt a lot. I lost more loved ones in between then and now. I also saw a lot more of the world, I met a lot more people. I made some new friends. I moved some more. Some of the friends I went through that with - and her mom and her little brother- are still in my life today. And you know what? We all remember that pain. But, we all also have learned a compassion for others that I am not sure we would have if we hadn't gone through that pain.
Years later, when my oldest daughter was 9, my next one, 8, then 6 and 4..... she lost her best friend- they all lost a cousin they loved tremendously. She was also hit by a car- but he wasn't drunk and she wasn't on a bike. Our whole family felt those feelings again. Anger. Then guilt.... It was a very powerful thing to be able to know how my daughters felt because I had been there. It was good that I could walk them through the feelings they had, listen to them, let them be angry, let them know I understood them feeling guilty- even guilty that they could go on dancing and singing and living without her, let them be sad and crumble in my arms, just let them be.....
But I could offer them a hope that this wasn't going to last forever. I could tell them about my own story and how painful it was, but that it didn't last forever. I could share with them that just as I came to know that my best friend would still want me to live and laugh and love and ride my bike... their cousin would still want them to live and laugh and love and dance and sing like they all used to do. Mostly, I hugged them a whole lot and told them how much I loved them. I wrote scriptures on note cards to give them truths to focus on whenever their mind pulled them in a different direction. I listened to them whenever they wanted to talk and I encouraged them to live and told them one day, they would see how this tragic loss would make it so they could be there in a way for others like I was for them- with a heart full of compassion because they knew what it was like to lose someone you loved so much.
That song, "I Hope You Dance" was popular then.... and it still makes me think of her. I told my daughters that I believed that the lyrics from the song would be the message their cousin would have for them.
Life is hard sometimes. It sucks sometimes. But, life has a lot of beauty to offer ....
Listen to this:
http://youtu.be/y2SfmcNg8js
When I was in the end of my 5th grade year, I was 10ish? My very best friend (only the second best friend I had ever had in my life because we moved so much) called me up after school to see if I wanted to go on a bike ride with her. I was home alone, but always a responsible kid, so I told her I couldn't go because I had some things I had to do at home- chores- I told I would go with her after I finished.
Before I knew it, my phone was ringing and kids from school were calling me and asking if I was ok. They were telling me my best friend died.
That seemed impossible. I just spoke with her. Someone was playing a not funny joke, I thought.
Pretty soon a friend that I trusted who was pretty mature for his age called me and asked if I was ok. I told him about the not funny joke and he told me it wasn't a joke. He told me to call and talk to her mom. He told me she had been hit, by a drunk driver while riding her bike. He was there. I knew it then that it must be true. I could hear it in his voice.
I called her mom. It was true.
I was still home alone and I threw everything I could around our apartment. I was so ANGRY. How does this happen? WHY does this happen? She was so young! She was my best friend!
And then, GUILT. I was supposed to be with her. What if I was there? Maybe I could have caught her as she flew back down from the air? Maybe I would have been hit and not her? I SHOULD HAVE .....This is my fault. I could have stopped it. I still cry as I type this, because I can remember that pain.
I considered ending my life. I didn't want to live.
I went on living, though, I cried a lot. I hurt a lot. I lost more loved ones in between then and now. I also saw a lot more of the world, I met a lot more people. I made some new friends. I moved some more. Some of the friends I went through that with - and her mom and her little brother- are still in my life today. And you know what? We all remember that pain. But, we all also have learned a compassion for others that I am not sure we would have if we hadn't gone through that pain.
Years later, when my oldest daughter was 9, my next one, 8, then 6 and 4..... she lost her best friend- they all lost a cousin they loved tremendously. She was also hit by a car- but he wasn't drunk and she wasn't on a bike. Our whole family felt those feelings again. Anger. Then guilt.... It was a very powerful thing to be able to know how my daughters felt because I had been there. It was good that I could walk them through the feelings they had, listen to them, let them be angry, let them know I understood them feeling guilty- even guilty that they could go on dancing and singing and living without her, let them be sad and crumble in my arms, just let them be.....
But I could offer them a hope that this wasn't going to last forever. I could tell them about my own story and how painful it was, but that it didn't last forever. I could share with them that just as I came to know that my best friend would still want me to live and laugh and love and ride my bike... their cousin would still want them to live and laugh and love and dance and sing like they all used to do. Mostly, I hugged them a whole lot and told them how much I loved them. I wrote scriptures on note cards to give them truths to focus on whenever their mind pulled them in a different direction. I listened to them whenever they wanted to talk and I encouraged them to live and told them one day, they would see how this tragic loss would make it so they could be there in a way for others like I was for them- with a heart full of compassion because they knew what it was like to lose someone you loved so much.
That song, "I Hope You Dance" was popular then.... and it still makes me think of her. I told my daughters that I believed that the lyrics from the song would be the message their cousin would have for them.
Life is hard sometimes. It sucks sometimes. But, life has a lot of beauty to offer ....
Listen to this:
http://youtu.be/y2SfmcNg8js
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