When I was in the end of my 5th grade year, I was 10ish? My very best friend (only the second best friend I had ever had in my life because we moved so much) called me up after school to see if I wanted to go on a bike ride with her. I was home alone, but always a responsible kid, so I told her I couldn't go because I had some things I had to do at home- chores- I told I would go with her after I finished.
Before I knew it, my phone was ringing and kids from school were calling me and asking if I was ok. They were telling me my best friend died.
That seemed impossible. I just spoke with her. Someone was playing a not funny joke, I thought.
Pretty soon a friend that I trusted who was pretty mature for his age called me and asked if I was ok. I told him about the not funny joke and he told me it wasn't a joke. He told me to call and talk to her mom. He told me she had been hit, by a drunk driver while riding her bike. He was there. I knew it then that it must be true. I could hear it in his voice.
I called her mom. It was true.
I was still home alone and I threw everything I could around our apartment. I was so ANGRY. How does this happen? WHY does this happen? She was so young! She was my best friend!
And then, GUILT. I was supposed to be with her. What if I was there? Maybe I could have caught her as she flew back down from the air? Maybe I would have been hit and not her? I SHOULD HAVE .....This is my fault. I could have stopped it. I still cry as I type this, because I can remember that pain.
I considered ending my life. I didn't want to live.
I went on living, though, I cried a lot. I hurt a lot. I lost more loved ones in between then and now. I also saw a lot more of the world, I met a lot more people. I made some new friends. I moved some more. Some of the friends I went through that with - and her mom and her little brother- are still in my life today. And you know what? We all remember that pain. But, we all also have learned a compassion for others that I am not sure we would have if we hadn't gone through that pain.
Years later, when my oldest daughter was 9, my next one, 8, then 6 and 4..... she lost her best friend- they all lost a cousin they loved tremendously. She was also hit by a car- but he wasn't drunk and she wasn't on a bike. Our whole family felt those feelings again. Anger. Then guilt.... It was a very powerful thing to be able to know how my daughters felt because I had been there. It was good that I could walk them through the feelings they had, listen to them, let them be angry, let them know I understood them feeling guilty- even guilty that they could go on dancing and singing and living without her, let them be sad and crumble in my arms, just let them be.....
But I could offer them a hope that this wasn't going to last forever. I could tell them about my own story and how painful it was, but that it didn't last forever. I could share with them that just as I came to know that my best friend would still want me to live and laugh and love and ride my bike... their cousin would still want them to live and laugh and love and dance and sing like they all used to do. Mostly, I hugged them a whole lot and told them how much I loved them. I wrote scriptures on note cards to give them truths to focus on whenever their mind pulled them in a different direction. I listened to them whenever they wanted to talk and I encouraged them to live and told them one day, they would see how this tragic loss would make it so they could be there in a way for others like I was for them- with a heart full of compassion because they knew what it was like to lose someone you loved so much.
That song, "I Hope You Dance" was popular then.... and it still makes me think of her. I told my daughters that I believed that the lyrics from the song would be the message their cousin would have for them.
Life is hard sometimes. It sucks sometimes. But, life has a lot of beauty to offer ....
Listen to this:
http://youtu.be/y2SfmcNg8js
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