Broken Hallelujah

Last year, I wore my "HOPE" outfit. Last year, I lived in a world that felt like a constant battle. Sometimes it was a battle to advocate for my husband, fighting to keep my children's lives as normal as I could, fighting to stay strong for my family, fighting to take care of myself.... I had never been in a battlefield like this one- so I prayed and did my best. For some my best wasn't good enough and I eventually reached the point that I passed my people pleaser mentality and decided my life was better without them in it. (That actually took me about a year to do! Oh why of why do I worry what someone else thinks when I know we all have one judge?)

Fast forward to this year...... CRAZY!!!!!

Especially this past couple weeks.

You hear the doctor tell your husband that one of three things will end his life, cancer, chemo or fungal infection and then they offer him to go home and you have said from the beginning, a beginning of 16 months ago that you JUST DONT WANT HIM TO SUFFER NEEDLESSLY.
You see, I am a Christian. I don't believe death is a part of God's original plan for us and I DO believe that when we leave this world, there IS NO MORE PAIN AND SUFFERING. NO MORE SICKNESS. NO MORE TROUBLE. I would rather know that he is healed and in heaven than struggling on this earth with a pain and suffering I can only imagine and watching him fight against it all..... that is one of the hardest things I have ever seen in my life. The second hardest thing I have seen is watching our four daughters watch it, too. If he can beat it, then by all means, fight. But, if you can't.... don't suffer needlessly.

So, I felt like they were saying, "There is no hope." I put on my "I will be strong through this battle." outfit, if you will. I also have researched and studied and I realized that the AML coming back wasn't at all favorable. I realized that adding to it pneumonia, a fungal infection on the brain and the fact that induction chemo did nothing to the cancer was simply NOT GOOD.
The odds seem stacked more and more against us this time.

The doctor said that some of us are more guarded now ... and that is true of me. I am. I have always prayed against having a hard heart and this is the hardest my heart has been in my whole life. I have seen the unfair and hurtful judgements of people and the unfair harshness of sickness and my heart is very guarded. I am guarding it for me and I am guarding it for my kids. I literally often feel like I am waiting to punch someone or something at any given moment - to take someone down.... I feel like a warrior. I am not a fighter, by nature... I am a lover, a peaceful person, a hippie. This is all new to me.

Two days ago, the doctor said that if his marrow showed any sign of cancer, they would be unable to do anything else for him. Yesterday, they said they will now allow up to 20% cancer cells to allow him to continue to fight. 5% or less  is required for remission. I never have claimed to be logical.... but...None of this is making sense to me. The doctor told him, he feels like Mark should fight, but if at any time, he says he is done fighting, that is ok.

How can you go back and forth so much concerning something- especially a life or death something??? It is hard to adapt for me especially in the midst of preparing myself still from the last news only to get new news to prepare for again, in a different way. How could you be ready to let him go home two weeks ago and then swing over here? I don't feel like I trust the doctors now. I don't feel like I trust anything.

Mark, if you want to fight, fight. I will fight with you. If you want to stop, stop. I will be there to support you. No choice is an easy one and none seems fair. I am sorry you are going through this. I am sorry to watch our kids go through this... and your family. I feel empty and helpless....

So, there is a song I sing right now... a song that resonates from within....
 "Broken Hallelujah". The Afters     https://youtu.be/Fo3DudOzV4k