Broken Hallelujah

Last year, I wore my "HOPE" outfit. Last year, I lived in a world that felt like a constant battle. Sometimes it was a battle to advocate for my husband, fighting to keep my children's lives as normal as I could, fighting to stay strong for my family, fighting to take care of myself.... I had never been in a battlefield like this one- so I prayed and did my best. For some my best wasn't good enough and I eventually reached the point that I passed my people pleaser mentality and decided my life was better without them in it. (That actually took me about a year to do! Oh why of why do I worry what someone else thinks when I know we all have one judge?)

Fast forward to this year...... CRAZY!!!!!

Especially this past couple weeks.

You hear the doctor tell your husband that one of three things will end his life, cancer, chemo or fungal infection and then they offer him to go home and you have said from the beginning, a beginning of 16 months ago that you JUST DONT WANT HIM TO SUFFER NEEDLESSLY.
You see, I am a Christian. I don't believe death is a part of God's original plan for us and I DO believe that when we leave this world, there IS NO MORE PAIN AND SUFFERING. NO MORE SICKNESS. NO MORE TROUBLE. I would rather know that he is healed and in heaven than struggling on this earth with a pain and suffering I can only imagine and watching him fight against it all..... that is one of the hardest things I have ever seen in my life. The second hardest thing I have seen is watching our four daughters watch it, too. If he can beat it, then by all means, fight. But, if you can't.... don't suffer needlessly.

So, I felt like they were saying, "There is no hope." I put on my "I will be strong through this battle." outfit, if you will. I also have researched and studied and I realized that the AML coming back wasn't at all favorable. I realized that adding to it pneumonia, a fungal infection on the brain and the fact that induction chemo did nothing to the cancer was simply NOT GOOD.
The odds seem stacked more and more against us this time.

The doctor said that some of us are more guarded now ... and that is true of me. I am. I have always prayed against having a hard heart and this is the hardest my heart has been in my whole life. I have seen the unfair and hurtful judgements of people and the unfair harshness of sickness and my heart is very guarded. I am guarding it for me and I am guarding it for my kids. I literally often feel like I am waiting to punch someone or something at any given moment - to take someone down.... I feel like a warrior. I am not a fighter, by nature... I am a lover, a peaceful person, a hippie. This is all new to me.

Two days ago, the doctor said that if his marrow showed any sign of cancer, they would be unable to do anything else for him. Yesterday, they said they will now allow up to 20% cancer cells to allow him to continue to fight. 5% or less  is required for remission. I never have claimed to be logical.... but...None of this is making sense to me. The doctor told him, he feels like Mark should fight, but if at any time, he says he is done fighting, that is ok.

How can you go back and forth so much concerning something- especially a life or death something??? It is hard to adapt for me especially in the midst of preparing myself still from the last news only to get new news to prepare for again, in a different way. How could you be ready to let him go home two weeks ago and then swing over here? I don't feel like I trust the doctors now. I don't feel like I trust anything.

Mark, if you want to fight, fight. I will fight with you. If you want to stop, stop. I will be there to support you. No choice is an easy one and none seems fair. I am sorry you are going through this. I am sorry to watch our kids go through this... and your family. I feel empty and helpless....

So, there is a song I sing right now... a song that resonates from within....
 "Broken Hallelujah". The Afters     https://youtu.be/Fo3DudOzV4k

Healing- One thing you can count on.

Holding my baby girl in my arms as she asked me the tough questions...
"What if he doesn't make it?" "This could end badly, couldn't it?"

I tell everyone that I am the kind of person who hopes and prays for the best and prepares for the worst. I need to know the spectrum I am dealing with. I have four kids to think about.

Yes, this could end badly. I would be lying to you if I said I knew that everything this might not end poorly. None of us have that guarantee in life. No one knows what could happen- I could walk out into the street and be hit by a car tomorrow.

The first church we went to was a church called the Chapel at Blendon. A woman had cancer and she had her hands lifted as they prayed for her healing. When they finished, she said, "I will either be healed here on earth, or I will be healed in heaven with God." That has always stuck with me. That is how it is with all of us. We pray for healing and we WILL be healed. Either here on earth, or in heaven with God.

Is that comforting? in some ways it's not- Not to the people who love you- who want more time, have plans and need you. But, to know that if healing doesn't happen on earth, having the peace that it happens in heaven- no more pain- no more suffering. That is hope! No matter what, you WILL BE HEALED!

Being "with"

One thing last year that I did not do near enough of is spend time with my adolescent daughters through the biggest trauma of their life- their dad having Acute Myeloid Leukemia. I was torn between two places and it was easy to physically see who needed me most. Him- he was anemic, getting transfusions, fighting cancer and affects of chemo.... He was physically sick. You knew by looking at him.
What you could not visibly see is the torment, torcher, confusion and heart ache that my daughters went through.
What was I going through? Who even cares. I was in fight mode. I was fighting for all of them. I didn't take a lot of time to think about how I was. I knew I needed occasional breaks. I knew I needed to rely on people to take care of everything else because I had my hands full with these five. I knew I needed to work out and to stay positive and to vent some.... But life was about them. Mostly about him.
I respected the wishes of my husband and my kids. They all felt most comfortable only having me stay home with them or me stay at hospital with him. I allowed a lot to be on my shoulders. I respected their wishes and I leaned into everything that was happening as if immersing myself in water and allowing the current to take me in whatever direction it needed.
I did not see the things my daughters needed as much- because it wasn't apparent on the outside and because I wasn't around them much. They are designed a lot like their parents and most people and are pretty good at making themselves "look good" to outsiders.
This year, I have help. I am thankful. This year, I can help my sister-in-law help my husband fight and I can be with my girls more. They have already been through hell.... and that hell took its toll. This time I am glad I can be here to at least make sure they have a person here - some stability in their life. Some structure and reassurance.
I have been with people who have suffered loss and stayed up right beside them all day and all night. Sometimes it isn't in what you say or do- it is simply in the being "with" that is most helpful and most meaningful. You don't have to have all the answers and you don't have to fix things... just being there... that can mean the world.
This part of the journey is comparable to depression. You can't see it the way you can see a person has a broken bone- but both hurt and both need to have help in the healing process.
Many people have told me they are also "with" me. Those words and that action means the world.
God bless you!

You don't know

You don't know - you think you know, but the reality is so much more happens behind closed doors than people imagine. 
You think you know because a person shares with you what happens, or how it feels... but the reality is that you compare it all to your own experience... and it is not your experience at all- so you don't know.
It is empathy that makes you relate... RELATING is NOT KNOWING.
I have discovered that it is the case with many people- to realize this phenomenon and to respect it. To talk to a person going through something and to understand that they personally don't know, but might be able to relate. That because they don't know, they can't judge- but they can choose to be there- or they can choose to walk away. Being there is what gives a person more insight, more understanding... it doesn't mean they will ever know. But they will have supported and loved a person through something big and powerful. Being there with that love and support is often the biggest gift a person can ever give or receive. 
Allowing a person to be on their journey and to learn from it because it is their journey is often hard- especially when you want to help them and think you know what is best. But, what is best, is not trying to be more than God is in their life. Not trying to control them or make them see or do things the way you think you would- again- the way you THINK you would because you DON'T KNOW- you haven't experienced life quite like another person has. God gives us free will. God gives us free will and then tells us to love and not to judge lest we be judged. God has each of us on our own path- a path designed specifically for us to help us grow... let people grow and learn. Respect that you don't actually know, even though you can probably relate.

The Struggle... Weeding

My whole life I have been forgiving. Chosen the high road. Focused on positive.

This year was the most difficult of my life mentally, emotionally and physically as our family's entire life changed when my husband was diagnosed with Leukemia. Everything and I mean absolutely everything changed. My roles. The amount of time I could invest in anything other than taking care of my husband and my four girls diminished to being pretty much non-existent. I didn't sleep in my bed or any bed for about 4 months out of six... maybe more. I could not hang out with friends. I could not attend my kids' events. I no longer taught my fitness classes. Grocery shopping- planning meals, cooking- what were those things? Asking for help? I went from being one of the most helpful people I know to being in need of the most help. I felt as though I went from being healthy and having a great life to being helpless and sick (without actually being sick).

The strangest thing happened. In the midst of me trying to do what was best for the five people in my life I had to bare the biggest responsibility for, and keep my own head above water so I could actually function enough to still do that,  I had some people who simply said, "What do you need?" and they did whatever it was no questions asked. I had some who knew I wasn't thinking clearly and they just did SOMETHING, ANYTHING that they imagined might help. Others, though, they completely backed off- they disappeared. Or they became angry as they disliked a choice I made or the way I handled something. I had a flood of people I never really knew before becoming my biggest support and I had some that I thought might be my biggest support in a time like this who were just not there- or even worse- made a huge freaking stink of a drama and put even more crap on my already way too full plate. Then there were also those who lingered. They didn't push their way in to be present, but I knew that if I called them, I could count on them.... they called once in a while or sent a card. I am forever grateful to the many, many people who were there. Who didn't judge me at the time in my life when nothing made sense- including my thought process and actions, at times, but chose to love me through it - whatever that looked like.

What a mix! I realized in this struggle that in reality, nothing changed. It was just that what already existed in people was magnified... Myself, included. And this might actually be my biggest struggle now.

A huge wake up call came to me over the past nine months. I had been told I lived in a bubble and boy did I! I ALWAYS looked for the best, focused on positive, overlooked the bad.... It seemed though, that through this time of crisis, the pain and strain and overload I was under, couldn't, wouldn't and didn't allow for any kind of leeway. I quite bluntly had to call it like I saw it. And, now, I am left feeling like weeds have grown in my life and that in large portion, I have allowed those weeds to grow and have not pulled them. Now, they need pulled and their roots are deep and they are sturdy and I wish I had noticed them growing before so I could have yanked them- but I didn't....I chose to ignore them and focus on flowers.... and now I struggle to do what I know needs done.

The struggle is real, but I can't allow the weeds to take up space in a beautiful garden when they suck the life out of things I purposely planted and water and care for that I want to grow. Including weeds that attack me- almost as if they are poison ivy..... those weeds are the most deadly. I picture that old cartoon where the weeds reach over and strangle the plants beside them and that's how I feel. They make me feel like I can't breathe, like I need to escape.

I Hope You Dance

I'm going to share a piece of my story that was a very painful part of my life. I am sharing it simply because I hope it encourages you to talk and lets you know that if you need someone who will listen, I will, without judgement.

When I was in the end of my 5th grade year, I was 10ish? My very best friend (only the second best friend I had ever had in my life because we moved so much) called me up after school to see if I wanted to go on a bike ride with her. I was home alone, but always a responsible kid, so I told her I couldn't go because I had some things I had to do at home- chores- I told I would go with her after I finished.

Before I knew it, my phone was ringing and kids from school were calling me and asking if I was ok. They were telling me my best friend died.

That seemed impossible. I just spoke with her. Someone was playing a not funny joke, I thought.
Pretty soon a friend that I trusted who was pretty mature for his age called me and asked if I was ok. I told him about the not funny joke and he told me it wasn't a joke. He told me to call and talk to her mom. He told me she had been hit, by a drunk driver while riding her bike. He was there. I knew it then that it must be true. I could hear it in his voice.

I called her mom. It was true.

I was still home alone and I threw everything I could around our apartment. I was so ANGRY. How does this happen? WHY does this happen? She was so young! She was my best friend!

And then, GUILT. I was supposed to be with her. What if I was there? Maybe I could have caught her as she flew back down from the air? Maybe I would have been hit and not her? I SHOULD HAVE .....This is my fault. I could have stopped it. I still cry as I type this, because I can remember that pain.

I considered ending my life. I didn't want to live.

"Rainbow Connection" was the song they played at her funeral- she loved that song.... and to this day, when I see a rainbow or hear this song, I think of her.....

I went on living, though, I cried a lot. I hurt a lot. I lost more loved ones in between then and now. I also saw a lot more of the world, I met a lot more people. I made some new friends. I moved some more. Some of the friends I went through that with - and her mom and her little brother- are still in my life today. And you know what? We all remember that pain. But, we all also have learned a compassion for others that I am not sure we would have if we hadn't gone through that pain.

Years later, when my oldest daughter was 9, my next one, 8, then 6 and 4..... she lost her best friend- they all lost a cousin they loved tremendously. She was also hit by a car- but he wasn't drunk and she wasn't on a bike. Our whole family felt those feelings again. Anger. Then guilt.... It was a very powerful thing to be able to know how my daughters felt because I had been there. It was good that I could walk them through the feelings they had, listen to them, let them be angry, let them know I understood them feeling guilty- even guilty that they could go on dancing and singing and living without her, let them be sad and crumble in my arms, just let them be.....

But I could offer them a hope that this wasn't going to last forever. I could tell them about my own story and how painful it was, but that it didn't last forever. I could share with them that just as I came to know that my best friend would still want me to live and laugh and love and ride my bike... their cousin would still want them to live and laugh and love and dance and sing like they all used to do. Mostly, I hugged them a whole lot and told them how much I loved them. I wrote scriptures on note cards to give them truths to focus on whenever their mind pulled them in a different direction. I listened to them whenever they wanted to talk and I encouraged them to live and told them one day, they would see how this tragic loss would make it so they could be there in a way for others like I was for them- with a heart full of compassion because they knew what it was like to lose someone you loved so much.

That song, "I Hope You Dance" was popular then.... and it still makes me think of her. I told my daughters that I believed that the lyrics from the song would be the message their cousin would have for them.

Life is hard sometimes. It sucks sometimes. But, life has a lot of beauty to offer ....
Listen to this:

http://youtu.be/y2SfmcNg8js

Here I Am

I'm probably just gonna ramble. I feel better when I write.
I have no answers - only questions in my mind.
There is no easy way of making troubles light.
But there is an easier way of taking on the fight.
I remember I don't stand alone, I don't sit, I don't breathe… I am surrounded by armies of angels and they are all around me.
It isn't even them I feel, at least I don't think it is. It is the presence of my Lord, his strength encapsulates me.
Here I am, His strength comes to me through people who walk on this earth by my side.
Here I am, His love comes pouring out from the many helping hands.
Here I am, His hand are wiping my tears with the hugs and embraces I feel.
Here I am, His hope it filling my life as I see every need being met.
Here I am and I call on the Great I AM, He is God, I am not, I won't pretend.
Here He is through it all and I have learned I can call on Him time and time again.

Sitting at the hospital watching my husband sleep ….. Callico S. Neu

The Greatest of What Remains…..

These three remain…. Faith, Hope and Love.

Faith Hope and Love can remain - it's a choice, if you ask me, but possible for them to remain no matter what. 

Sometimes life is complicated. Sometimes life is difficult. Sometimes life is easy. Sometimes life is wonderful! Sometimes life is absolutely awful.

But, here is the deal. YOU CAN HOLD ON TO FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE. Those three things can remain - should you chose to allow them no matter what is happening in life!

The greatest of the three? LOVE. 

WHY?

Love is stepping aside, getting yourself out of the way, focussing on other.

Love is what you can do and be to someone else to help keep them hoping and having faith.

But, love is not about you. 

LOVE IS THE GREATEST because it is better to give than to receive.

LOVE IS THE GREATEST because it is something that you can give when you don't have anything else to give.

LOVE IS THE GREATEST because it is contagious and once you give it, you catch it back- or at least feel a little something from it that keeps you a bit warm and fuzzy!

My best advice if you need a pick me up? Stop sulking about yourself, you situation, your sickness, your predicament, your lack and start LOVING OTHERS!

My Favorite Things About This Guy, Jesus…….

So, based on my upbringing, I have always told my kiddos the truth about Santa and the reality that Christmas Day isn't REALLY the birthday of Jesus, but when we choose to celebrate it. (Much the same as how we usually celebrate our own birthdays on a convenient day- not the actual day of birth.)

I have also been always honest about the story of His birth. Yes, Shepherds were probably told first. God is cool like that, he often uses those people that others consider the under-dog or slightly under par according to society. I think it may be because often times, they realize they don't have much to lose in following Him- but, I also think it shows the proud that it's a good thing to depend on God and not just yourself, because the really cool things happen then!

The wise men? Let's be serious…. sometimes, they stand alone in another part of the house away from the Nativity at our house because they weren't there when he was born. Good heavens! There were no airplanes back then. They probably  showed up when Jesus was a toddler- the journey was too far!

Anyway, what I really have always appreciated as I started looking at the story of WHO this guy Jesus was on earth, some things have really stood out to me. These things have caused me to love him more than I had before- because, hey! He's God and man and CHOSE to be in RELATABLE.

First, He was born into a working class family. Born in a stable of all places where virtually ANYONE could come to him. (Right off the bat- he was available to people- not in some ritzy, high class building where only a few were welcome….) To a woman who got pregnant OUTSIDE of marriage… (gasp)….. to a YOUNG mother (teen)…… He was a child to a STEP-DAD and had only "HALF-SIBLINGS". (Can you imagine all the people talking about this family behind their backs and under their breath?)

As an adult he chose to be HOMELESS….. Have you ever met anyone who CHOSE that life? (I know one person….it takes a very humble spirit.)

He hung out with and talked to people that society discounted or hated and he chose to love them! He was a RULE BREAKER whenever it came to rules; he chose a person over being right or being thought of as right by others.

Yeah, this Jesus, stole my heart when I realized how he could have chosen a different life when he lived here with us…. but he chose the common life. The life that would make him more relatable to more people. I love that about him. He didn't come for the select few- he came FOR ALL.

Blurred Lines, Miley and Us......

After reading many comments and a couple articles about the VMA Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke performance I decided to watch. Here is the warning.... STOP READING this if you are easily offended. I am going to be "thinking out loud" and it could get ugly.

All these people are disgusted with Miley. Others are outraged that Robin Thicke is married and has a son and allowed young Miley to move on him like that.Others feel that they can teach their own kids a lesson from her behavior or his...... and maybe you can. But, I want to know will you first try to learn from it yourself?

BLURRED LINES. That is EXACTLY where our society lives! You have to be a certain age to have a facebook account.... but do you REALLY? You have a dress code you are to follow at school- but it's not really "enforced".  Another human being tells you that what you are doing is hurting them in some way- their feelings, their body, whatever.... do you REALLY have to stop? You have to be 21 to buy alcohol- SERIOUSLY? Our food is all approved and safe for us to eat by our government- REALLY? Is that why some of the same things we allow here are banned in other countries? A woman gets raped and then has to turn around and feel added guilt and shame because people insinuate or just come right out and say it's her fault because of how she was dressed?

I have heard adults tell 2 and 3 year old girls they are "sexy". I have been told by 14-19 year olds how common it is for all kids their age to "grind" which, for the record is what it sounds like- moving as though you are having sex while wearing clothes- dry-humping all in some big pile up of a circle....and guess what? Adults are right there allowing it. I have seen little boys applauded for getting girlfriends- and the more the better. 

Our media promotes sex everywhere. Not just the act- but the act of selling yourself as sex- being hot, staying up all night to get lucky. What is that? Lucky at what? You know you are worthwhile if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You know you have value if you can squeeze into a size...... How popular are you? That's what really matters, you know. How many "likes" can you get? How many "followers"  and "friends". Is that what REALLY matters in life?

So, we allow a young lady to come out and sing about doing what she wants- she can't stop and she won't stop and she is not alone.... she says "we" because she is right. It is COMMON! It's NOT just Miley Cyrus. It's not just Robin Thicke. (Remember Brittney Spears? Lindsey Lohan?) How about the kids at your local high school with underwear hanging out with their main goal in life being how many girlfriends they can get? Or the butt cheeks hanging out for the world to see? Or cleavage exposed so much so that you fear a nipple may actually show? Do you know that our Super Bowl boasts the biggest pro-football event and biggest SEX TRAFFICKING event in our country?????

Where do you think our kids are learning that all of this is ok. Not just ok but good and acceptable.......normal.

So, Miley comes out  in a teddy bear costume (representing youth and child-likeness) then RIPS IT OFF to a skin toned colored bra and panty set and then we put her on a stage with a man who is about to sing a song about how even if you are a good girl, he knows you "want it" and your gonna "get nasty"...... and what are the exact moves you are thinking they may come up with????????????????????? Um, I'm sorry, but I am pretty sure someone is in charge about what is on TV still.... funny how the next morning it wasn't acceptable to show on TV because "kids are around". Where were the kids the night before???/ WHAT THE HECK? Are we THAT STUPID!!!????

BLURRED LINES? Get a grip, people. Quit getting all pissy because the exact thing we as a society ALLOW ON A DAILY BASIS is done publicly every once in a while in front of TONS of people instead of just a few! So, you are going to shame one person and act so disgusted when you LIVE in these BLURRED LINES DAILY?! 

Now, let me say this- for me.... this has become a REAL wake up call. I teach fitness and I listen to words of songs closely for my classes as I do not want to be responsible for bringing crap lyrics to young lives. However, I liked the catchy tunes associated with both of these songs, but never took the time to look at what they were actually saying......Now that I have, I will NEVER allow them to be played at my house or in my car again- it's a given that they won't be in any of my classes, either. Why would I?? What kind of message do they send? Absolutely NO KIND of message I want anyone to associate with me. 

This has been a wake up call for me to be sure that I don't just fall unaware into the blurred lines that surround our culture and society today. Maybe more people need to put some glasses on so things can clear up and not be so blurry any more..... just a thought....... 

Steal Kill and Destroy

I know many people who are not Christians, but they would still agree with this concept.

The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy.

A thief takes without thought of giving.

What a thief takes can be different in different situations and for different people; but, believe this- they will destroy and kill if they are allowed. 

Destroy and kill relationships, happiness, trust, love, hope, joy, peace.

The thief will not always be up front about it, either. 

But, thieves are everywhere and they mean only to take for themselves without thought of how they have affected the victim(s) of their schemes.

Most thieves are pretty good at what they do. They are usually liars. Sometimes they are so good at lying, even they believe themselves.....

Take the illness that feeds on it's victim trying to convince him or her that they don't stand a chance. Making them ill and zapping their joy.

Look at the bully at school who belittles the other children- putting them down, trying to make themselves look better by making others feel worse.

How about the boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn't really love their mate- but loves the fact that they can get what they want from them pretty much when they want and don't have to give much if anything back to the relationship so they stay in it and keep just saying the words to make the other person stay under false hope.

What about the parent who just can't let their child become who they were made to become- doing what they love and are passionate about because they demand the child go in a direction the parent dreams about.

Or maybe it's the friend who just is so insecure that they are constantly putting pressure on everyone around them to be who they want them to be so they feel safe. If they see their friends having relationships with others, or do well at something, they feel threatened and so they get upset and the friendship is attacked.

Have you thought about drugs and alcohol and they way it makes a person feel better for a few minutes or hours and then leaves them lower than they had been?

I believe we often ignore or forget that we live in a spiritual realm. We feel like our fights are between us and another person. Or us and God. The reality is that a spiritual war is raging and it is always present. To not believe in good and evil is to not believe in right and wrong, day and night..... 

The real thief the devil prowls around like a lion waiting to devour. He is a liar and the father of lies. 

In my mind, he is behind these battles above. Not a person..... yes, he may plant some seeds in a way that makes a person believe a lie and follow the wrong path. Yes, he may convince you that you are defeated. He may work through a person.....an illness......drugs or alcohol.....but the key to battle is always to KNOW YOUR ENEMY.

If you know that his job is to steal kill or destroy..... then, be on  the look-out for that happening in your life!

If you feel like your life or the things in life that you enjoy are being taken-  relationships, happiness, trust, love, hope, joy, peace- then you can be pretty sure that the enemy is scheming against you! If you are feeling defeated, like giving up, like a complete failure with no hope and no love- you are being played!! DO NOT let the schemes of the thief work against you in your life! FIGHT BACK!

Sometimes, it means you have to totally turn away from a situation or even the person. Sometimes it means you need a support group. Sometimes it means you need to get help and guidance by way of counseling. Sometimes it means standing up to a person or a situation and doing all that you can to communicate and gain understanding together. 

But recognizing what is going on is the first step to fixing the problem. So not allow your life to be stolen killed or destroyed! Do not allow a thief to have an easy job! Choose to recognize, work to conquer and keep away!

Day 7. On the Island

Friday morning, June 14th, I woke up feeling just a bit out of sorts. Not as bad as I had the morning before. But still, not as good as I usually do! 

None-the-less, today was our last day. Today we would go to an island and relax a bit before heading home.

We again were up early and ready to go. I think this time it was leaving by 6am! Funny thing is I hear my daughter, Tanise' alarm go off so we all started getting up. One of the girls in our room, Allie, said, "Beach day! Time to get up!" (Chipper is the tone I would use to describe it.) I looked at my phone and it said 4:30! UGH! We were up an hour too early! Back to bed and a sound sleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow!

We headed to the lobby, to the bus, and then to the water taxi. As soon as we boarded the water taxi, I felt a sense of relaxation I hadn't felt all week. I love the water.....it was beautiful! Blue sky, clear water and white clouds. The wind as we surfed the water was amazingly appreciated by me after all of the heat and sweat I had experienced through the week. We were heading for a day of fun!

Snorkeling.... This was something that amazed me! I was afraid to go under and try yo breathe through that little contraption.... but as soon as I put my head under and did it, I felt relaxed. Relaxed from floating peacefully in the warm water surrounding me and relaxed from the scenery, which made me feel as though I were in an aquarium. The rhythmic sound of my breathing was soothing and I began to think it was probably similar to what my babies felt in my womb while I was pregnant...... PEACE. I felt total peace in that water.

Sting Rays! We later swam with them. It was pretty cool, although, I never got far enough under to touch one. I enjoyed watching them under my feet and attempting to go far enough under to get a feel......

Lunch at a restaurant. We still had no ice in our glasses- but it was nice to sit in a chair at a table to eat. All week we sat in pews in the church and had foam containers..... this was more of a back to normal feeling for me! Funny thing, we had 11 people from our group at this restaurant and we ALL ordered BURGERS! I guess we missed our American food, as well! 

Time to walk around the island and do some shopping. This was fun and I witnessed just how good my second Daughter, Tanise and a young woman named Allie were at haggling! I wanted to buy a Hammock Chair for our family and the man told me it was something like $100. These two got him down to $35! Nice! I appreciated the hand made items being sold there. I knew that purchasing them was giving us a nice souvenir and helping some of the locals' businesses. Thankfully, a generous person gave us a little money to do some shopping on our trip and we got hand made jewelry, a couple small carvings, bags (girls love their bags, you know.) and now the hammock seat! 

A little team meeting and recap of the week. We got to hear from 2 individuals about each person in the group. Some encouragement from our peers! How nice! After, we went for dinner (another restaurant) and this time a buffet! Fish and Chicken and Shrimp and side dishes! Cold Lime drink! YUM! Our last meal together. This week had flown by! There were a few staff members from Praying Pelican that I wanted to share something encouraging with. I appreciate them leaving home and comforts again and again to help lead groups like ours in unfamiliar things in an unfamiliar place. We spent a week, but they would be spending their summer there with group after group.

One last game of Silent Football under a canopy of black sky and a Palm leaf roof over our heads outside the hotel.

This hotel had GOOD AIR CONDITIONING! I went in as soon as we arrived and turned it to the lowest setting! It was pretty clean- no ants marching around.....a carpeted floor and solid tiles....no holes in the ceiling, no exposed wires..... we were living a more comfortable life here.... more of the life we were all used to before this week. It was amazing how much I was appreciating it!

Outside of our hotel:

Entrance to our room:

Yes, this life was more like the life a tourist leads while in Belize.... a little blinded by the life of most natives of the place. 

If I lived here, I think I would want to be a captain or ship mate on a boat and take people snorkeling all day...... 

On death and dying......

One of life's tragedies is that moment in time when lives are separated without our permission or desire.

We were made for relationship and to love and to live.

In the beginning, when God created man, the plan was that there would be no pain or suffering or sickness.

The plan was that the life created would live forever.

In my mind, this is exactly why death is so painful.... so hard to deal with. Because it simply wasn't supposed to be this way.

Personally, I have had several deaths happen in my life. I will list them simply to be relate-able. Nothing is uncommon to us as people. We sometimes need to get over ourselves and realize that we are never alone in our journey. There is always someone out there with a similar story to our own. 

7 years old- Grandpa- he had been not well ever since I can remember. 10.5 years old- best friend was suddenly hit and killed while riding her bike by a drunk driver- she had asked me to go on that bike ride..... not sure of my age- but some time after this, my Great Grandma died- she actually was not fully responsive when she started moving her hand like she was writing- they gave her a pen and paper and she wrote the date that she ended up passing on. Middle School- my uncle who had just gone off to college that year was hit by a train and killed- I loved this guy- he was always helping me with basketball and being silly! In my early 30's my best friend from high school was stabbed to death by her estranged husband and then he also killed himself. A lovely lady who worked for me at our church passed away after complications from an optional surgery- leaving behind a husband and four young daughters. My niece- who was only 9 years old and only 12 days younger than my oldest daughter was hit by an SUV and killed. Devastating and familiar as I looked back on my own childhood loss. Both of my grandmother's passed away- I was extremely close to them both and this was a time that I literally cried myself to sleep several nights and woke up again in the morning, crying. My great uncle passed as well and he was such a blessing to my family. A lady that I had in some of my fitness classes and seemed to be bubbly and have a zest for life- took her own life- leaving behind two children and family and friends.....

Now, I  have learned something about death through all of these deaths....

One thing is that a cloud does not hang over my head because I have lost loved ones. This happens to all of us. We all lose loved ones.

Another thing is that every person handles loss in their own way. People need to have the freedom to grieve and be able to be loved through it.

Also, do not take life or the people in your life for granted. You really have no idea how long or how short your time with them is going to be.

It is absolutely normal to feel guilt. Feeling guilty that you are still here and they are gone. Feeling like there was something you could have done to make it not happen. Feeling like you didn't spend enough time..... guilt will be felt and it is normal.

Anger is a natural feeling. As I said earlier- this is not the way it was originally intended, so of course, you are going to be mad. Something was taken from you- a relationship. A life that had plans and dreams was ct short of seeing all of those plans and dreams achieved.

Denial- it's hard to believe this actually happened. You expect to see them and talk to them.....they can't be gone.

Sadness.... your heart is going to ache and feel like it is breaking. Again, death is not how life should be. With loss  comes pain and heart ache. Cry. It's ok. 

Feeling alone- sometimes you feel like no one understands your emotions. Sometimes you feel alone in death. You are not alone. I felt alone in death and went to a program called Grief Share. There, I realized just how common my feelings were- how alone I wasn't......

Eventually, we accept death- which isn't to say it is now easy or that we no longer feel the other emotions or cry....It's just to say that we have come to peace with the fact that death has happened, we realize we are going through this thing called the grieving process. We realize we are still alive and need to keep on living - even though it might feel awkward or wrong. If we really think about it, we realize the person we lost, would WANT us to keep on going. To live.

Sometimes, people need help going through this process- they get stuck. Depressed. They may try to take their own life to join the other. If a person gets stuck, GET HELP!! Medication, counseling and a good support group are imperative. There is no shame in needing help. As I said before- we are created for relationship- we need to be here for each other.

Even if you don't need professional help- it is so wise to seek support from others. In life, especially in hardship, it is so comforting to know you are not alone. Even if it means just finding someone who will stay up all night with you when you can't sleep for a while..... having another human being there WITH you can make a world of difference.

One really big thing that helps me to get through the loss of a loved one is my faith. I believe I will see them again. I believe that their life lives on through those they touched here on earth and also in eternity. I don't claim to understand why suffering and death happen other than to say we live in an imperfect world- but I have a HOPE that the way things were originally set up to be, will be again..... 

Another thing I realize, have experienced and know to be true is that you have a choice. After you have been through loss, you can use it to be of help to others. Compassion can form and you can understand in a way that others cannot what kinds of feelings and thoughts they may be experiencing.... Don't allow your heart to become hardened. 

This is what I call beauty for ashes.... it's a part of my story and it can be a part of yours. Use the bad things, the hard things, the ugly things, the sad things you have gone through in life to be of help to others. I am convinced that the losses I have experienced personally have helped me to be a person who cries with those whose hearts are breaking. To hug and hold up those whose knees are too weak to stand alone. To laugh whole-heartedly with the joyous. To understand that each of us has a story and a journey and to live and let live and truly appreciate life.

Day 6, Thursday, June 13th

The night had been extremely difficult for me. My stomach was crampy and nauseated throughout. I woke up, took my shower and then laid back down again and fell asleep. The girls got up and I lay there thinking, "This is our last day here and I feel like crap! How am I going to do this?"

So, about 10 minutes before we had to meet in the lobby of the hotel, I got up. We had to walk on this day as our bus driver, Vinson, was driving the other group to the water taxi for their day of R&R. We were up in the mountains and the hills were steep. I could do it. I'm a fitness instructor- let's see how I do in the heat exerting energy while feeling sick.

I lagged. Took my time. Kayla walked with me. She mentioned that she was kind of glad I wasn't feeling 100% as seeing me have so much energy and doing so much was somehow making her not feel as positive about what she was giving or doing on the trip. Something like that. I didn't take offense. I actually understand it. I have been told similar things before. Sometimes, people are somehow intimidated (not sure if that's the best word) by a person with my personality. I am a "go-getter". I make lists and check them off. I give as much as I can to whatever I am doing, or to me, it isn't worth doing. I don't care what other people choose to do- but I somehow can cause others (unintentionally to feel like less- or be intimidated by). I was once a Strength's Coach for Gallop. This Coaching helps people see the way they "do life" in a positive light. It isn't uncommon for people to hear negative comments from others who don't understand how they operate and when you can get an appreciation for how you operate and how others do it helps teams work together, people feel better about how they are and helps people take on roles and jobs that best suit them. My top five themes (which make up how I do life) are "Achiever"- list making and checking off then starting a new list, "Maximizer"- make good better or best- don't bother if it isn't going to happen or isn't a strength of mine- let someone else, "Relator"-relating to people- do well one on one or small groups, "Strategic"- always thinking "what if" looking at possibilities, "Responsibility"- If I say I am going to do it, I am going to... or I will kill myself trying! Now, don't get me wrong. I also relax and play with the same passion and conviction as I work. When I take a day off- I DO NOTHING. AT. ALL. When I play, I PLAY HARD! I say all this to say- no matter how you are made- you have been made in such a way to do whatever is in front of you to do in a unique way! Being different from another isn't bad- it's actually very good as it helps give well-roundedness to the world or project and more completion than if it was only one way accomplished from one viewpoint or one standard or one way of doing it. BE YOU! YOU are NEEDED!! :)


Kayla and I stop at the store right before the church and she buys me a ginger ale. I am trying to feel good and have energy!



So, we get there.... I am giving it the best shot I have. I DO NOT WANT TO MISS THE LAST DAY!
However, I couldn't eat. I was forcing pieces of breakfast fruit down my throat little by little- but it was VERY little. Ginger ale....that was good. Canada Dry- just like at home. I helped put the frames together for VBS. This require little from me. I wouldn't help finish painting today. I would keep laying low and see how far I could push myself. I soon found myself exhausted. I would succumb to it from time to time - but tried to deny it as well. I joked with the students... slept. Tried to do the Cha-Cha slide.... slept. Weird thing was I was sleeping on the tiled floor with no pillow or blanket, loud music playing and people all around me talking loudly. (Totally out of character for me. I usually need complete darkness, no noise and comfort.)



So, eventually, it was time for lunch and I just couldn't bring myself to eat. I kept making myself drink water. I was extremely tired of the water. Jen, one of the PPM staff asked me what I would be able to consume. I needed to have SOMETHING. I said, "Chicken Noodle soup, saltines and ginger ale- but I already had ginger ale- gatorade was probably a better choice." She did what she could to get me some! Along with her air mattress and a fan so I could sleep more comfortably until the bus arrived and could take me back to the hotel and the air conditioning.

Sleep. That was all I could do.



We got to the hotel and I went to my bed right beside the window air conditioner. I slept another couple of hours before I was finally able to sit up and eat the Ramen noodles and the crackers Jen brought me. I also drank the gatorade she got and then I finished off the water I had in my bottle. Water had to be filtered there. I didn't dare walk outside to go find some or get more Gatorade. What if I was too weak? What if I fainted? I took a quick, cold shower to ensure I was cooling off. Then I decided to lay down and sleep more- after I emailed home to have some human connection. I didn't feel well and I think I was alone for about 5 hours.... I needed some human companionship- and reassurance. Tired, I fell back asleep. Around 9:30 my daughters came in with more Gatorade and filled my water bottle with more water. This was some sort of heat exhaustion, I was suffering from. I had every hope that when I woke up in the morning I would feel much better. Have I ever slept so much in my life? I don't think so. But, again, I went to bed and didn't wake up until the alarm sounded the next day!

My comfort foods from Jen-

 

Our room-



Bathroom-

 

The hotel "kitchen" - the family that owns it also lives there- they let me make coffee in the morning :)



Hotel Hallway to the rooms and balcony-

Wednesday, June 12th Day 5

Per usual we wake up and get ready to arrive at the church by 8am for breakfast.
I am not looking forward to this day as much because I realize that it is our last day working with St. Richard's Church from Jackson, Mississippi.

The whole trip- outside of the day we arrived- people have been saying that you cannot tell us apart. We really teamed up right from the beginning. They are a GREAT group. They have more girls represented, just like us, their teens were about the same ages as ours, they also brought three leaders. The difference was- they were Catholic and we were Protestant. But, that never got in the way. We talked openly about our differences and they were gracious as our students asked questions about their theology.



For me, I was raised in a crazy environment. My dad was Jehovah's Witness. My mom took me to all kinds of churches on her weekends so I could see what else was out there other than JW's as my dad took me to the Kingdom Hall on the weekends I was with him. Then, when I was about 11, my mom married a man who was Catholic. Back then, I despised religion. Everyone thought they were "right" and others were "wrong". I thought it was a bunch of garbage because from what I read- Jesus wanted us to live in peace and be unified.... I called it hypocrisy and stopped going. But, that is another story! Let's just say, though, that my opinion never changed. Unity was where it was and is and I was glad we were at a Baptist church working with a Catholic church and we came from a Christian church! ;)

So, today, we had some training time with Praying Pelican on sharing our testimonies. One of our leaders, Andy, shared his with our whole group first. We had some similarities in our stories....I knew I liked this kid! He had a little bit of a rough road and now look at him-he was working with youth and reaching out to others. A tattoo on his foot said Romans 10:15. He was living that life. :) After he shared, we broke into groups of 3-4 and shared our stories. It bonded us even more! I had 2 young ladies from St. Richards in my group and 1 of their leaders. Hannah had been a Christian always and yet she had never grown stale- she is very passionate about her faith and sharing it- not common for a lot of the whole-life Christian kids I know. Ramsay- she was a compassionate soul and some of that has stemmed from having a sibling with some kind of disability. It was a privilege to hear them both.I was proud of them, and I barely knew them! Amelia- their leader. She was one that I really felt closer to at the end of our sharing time. I wished we had done this activity earlier in the week!

Next up- The nursing home! I adore elderly people. This would be one activity I had been looking forward to all week. I used to visit and take care of my grandmothers quite a bit. They have been gone for a while now and I miss having them around. The were wise, funny and SO loving.









We begin by talking with the residents of the home. I talked with about 8 of them and each one shared that they were so happy to be living in this home. I was happy for them and a bit perplexed... in the US, you seldom hear about people being happy living in a nursing home!!





We sand hymns with them. Mostly we sang- but some of them joined us and others just sat back and  enjoyed the music.... Thank goodness for Conner- he lead our group well! Our church doesn't sing hymns often. We are more contemporary.







Next, we danced for them using some of the songs we were dancing to at VBS. To my surprise, they really enjoyed this! A couple of them joined us in dancing! This made my heart happy!









Finally, they played some of their music and low and behold- more joined in! A lady grabbed a hold of me and started dancing with me! I was in heaven!

They were holding our hands, kissing our cheeks, the out-pour of love was overwhelming to my heart! It was soon time to go and as we got on the bus I placed my sunglasses on my face so my tears wouldn't be so noticeable. My heart was deeply touched that we had gone there to be a blessing to them and yet they had blessed us SO MUCH!

We came back to lunch and VBS. We seemed to grow more each day! Amazing since it was exam week at the schools! I was feeling a little off today. I had been taking my vitamins. But, got dizzy a couple times. I was forcing myself to drink the water which I was actually very sick of by now. It was always warm and had additives I could taste. (The clean, crisp cold water of Colorado had spoiled me, I decided) I also continued to try to make myself eat. Although I liked the Plantains and Coconut Rice we had each lunch, I was tiring of having them each day. I guess variety is also something I am spoiled by!  It's always the little things that matter, isn't it? The humidity and heat wasn't bothering me as much anymore. The sweat sort of felt good. I am crazy like that, I love to work out, sweat and feel the burn.... lol.


This evening after dinner, we left the church as they had a Men's Bible Study. We went down town again and this time, we were allowed to do some shopping and purchase our own snack! PIZZA!!!!!!

 

(I am thinking back and I don't know how it happened....but somehow, we left on a bus away from the St. Richard kids.... maybe only our group went downtown. I was with the other female leader from my team and the female leader from PPM, so it is hard for me to say. But, I remember lots of hugs and gathering all of their first and last names so our group could find them on Facebook, etc.  We made them a big picture with little sentiments and signatures....It was hard to imagine going to the church the next morning and them not being there with us. We were blessed that this group ended up being placed with us kind of last minute!)

After our big meeting time together, we went back to our hotel and it was my turn to lead our study with our team of 16. The reading was Matthew 3:1-17. I had someone read it out loud to the group as not everyone had done it in the morning. I liked this study, although the questions just seemed to review what you read and that bored me some. So, I made some of my own questions.

1. What do we have in common with John?
 Some answers:We left comforts of home. Left relationships- understanding our mission for the week we aren't looking back. Leaving internet, TV, ice....

2. Why is what we are doing here on this mission important?
Some answers: Church from different places working together. Poor area- painting, cleaning, making life better. Body of Christ coming together. Telling about Jesus' love at VBS and sharing life with natives.

3. Why do you think God included this Scripture in His word? (This one is from the book)
Some answers: Shows us to tell people about Jesus. Prepare people to know God. My biggest take- John saying that the work he was doing was nothing compared to the one after him- Jesus. We do what we can to plant water a seed- but ultimately it is GOD who makes things really happen! What we do is nothing compared to what He does and is doing!!

We prepared for the next day- planning session.

I was feeling pretty queezey. It would not be a good night of rest for this girl!

Day 4 - Tuesday

This day was the day I felt it all come together. I felt like my prayers and patience in waiting for God's plan to unfold developed on this day.
We woke up in time again to leave for the church and breakfast at 7:45am. After Breakfast today, we have a little down time to go and see the Mayan Ruins! This is pretty cool, I think. I feel like we traveled North, South, East and West in Belize and I appreciated this as it gave me time to see more of the entire country than just one little aspect. Since we arrived, I had made it my goal to take everything I could in. Billboards, homes, businesses, streets, people- I wanted to try to grasp as much as I could about the place, it's culture and it's people. I had already realized that poverty was everywhere, HIV and AIDS were a big deal, relationships were important (rarely did I see a person all alone- usually they had groups  doing things together.) The ladies and children are a bit shy as far as I can tell, but they are also super friendly and willing to make friends. Men are men- Some of them say comments to women when you walk by. They are more outgoing and sure of themselves it seems.... not too much different than back home- except that they may be a little more forward in their approach! ;)




So, we board our charter bus and head out for a field trip! FEELING EXCITED!!









 









    

  

  

  

  

  

I love the view from the top of peaks! Mountain peaks- but even this one from on top of the Temple. It gives me some sort of comfort in knowing that as an imperfect human being, I have no ability to regularly see the big picture. I see whatever is in front, behind, beside or above me- sometimes, it isn't much as what is near me looks bigger than me..... But, God, He can see the whole picture ALWAYS! I can take comfort in this when I am unsure or afraid or feeling overwhelmed. God sees all and has a plan for it all..... I just need to follow His lead.

 

Following His lead. That is what happened up there that day. It began to rain as we stood up on this monument. How glorious! I love the rain- but especially when I am hot! Refreshing! However, this made some people a little scared. Instantly, my mom mode kicked in and my safety training from various activities though life. It makes me humbled and grateful that as life unfolds you can see how things from your past can be used to help others in the present. Calmly directing people as they climb back down. "Stay low. It's slippery. Go slow. Try to use both feet and both hands. You can do it. Good job." Sometimes, it just helps to hear affirmation. A reminder of what you already know. Everyone made it down safely. It was beautiful.

As we get ready to head out, the other leaders ask for a picture of the three of us together! :) This makes me smile on the inside and the outside. :) Comradery is a beautiful thing!



And, as we are heading back out- a CUTE MONKEY!!!!! I LOVE MONKEYS!!!! This is my first time seeing one in the wild! :) Happy Day!

 

This is truly a beautiful place.....

  



A little time to relax before VBS after lunch and we go back to the hotel. Today, a group of almost all of the girls on the trip came to our room (Our room was a bit different now- Kayla, the other leader and my oldest daughter, Shyanna, went to another room and Haley joined our room.) We had a little time to talk. One of my very favorite things to do is listen to teens. They have a lot of insights that I think many adults just over-look or take for granted. These ladies are intelligent, they have some life-concerns and some ideas about life. It is always helpful to open up to people you can trust and share your thoughts, struggles, fears, joys, likes and dislikes. We are built for relationship with other people and with God. I am feeling extremely blessed to have growing relationships with these young ladies and to see them growing in relationships with each other and God on this trip! Yes, God is showing me why I am there.... and I am loving it!

WOW! Back to the church and VBS is GROWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

 today we have over 100 kids!! Amazing!

We meet as a team again after everything is over. St Richards and Rocky and PPM.
Then we have our own little team meeting. Tonight, Ben has asked Kayla to lead the meeting time and we are able to go have a little ice cream snack in the city and sit outside to do it! Pretty cool!



I wondered what the local thought about us praising God right there in the middle of everything..... Some people stopped to look at us and observe a bit- but not many.

Today was a good day. A turning point where you could really see relationships growing. This was an answer to one of my prayers. THANKFUL!! <3 p="">