The Struggle... Weeding

My whole life I have been forgiving. Chosen the high road. Focused on positive.

This year was the most difficult of my life mentally, emotionally and physically as our family's entire life changed when my husband was diagnosed with Leukemia. Everything and I mean absolutely everything changed. My roles. The amount of time I could invest in anything other than taking care of my husband and my four girls diminished to being pretty much non-existent. I didn't sleep in my bed or any bed for about 4 months out of six... maybe more. I could not hang out with friends. I could not attend my kids' events. I no longer taught my fitness classes. Grocery shopping- planning meals, cooking- what were those things? Asking for help? I went from being one of the most helpful people I know to being in need of the most help. I felt as though I went from being healthy and having a great life to being helpless and sick (without actually being sick).

The strangest thing happened. In the midst of me trying to do what was best for the five people in my life I had to bare the biggest responsibility for, and keep my own head above water so I could actually function enough to still do that,  I had some people who simply said, "What do you need?" and they did whatever it was no questions asked. I had some who knew I wasn't thinking clearly and they just did SOMETHING, ANYTHING that they imagined might help. Others, though, they completely backed off- they disappeared. Or they became angry as they disliked a choice I made or the way I handled something. I had a flood of people I never really knew before becoming my biggest support and I had some that I thought might be my biggest support in a time like this who were just not there- or even worse- made a huge freaking stink of a drama and put even more crap on my already way too full plate. Then there were also those who lingered. They didn't push their way in to be present, but I knew that if I called them, I could count on them.... they called once in a while or sent a card. I am forever grateful to the many, many people who were there. Who didn't judge me at the time in my life when nothing made sense- including my thought process and actions, at times, but chose to love me through it - whatever that looked like.

What a mix! I realized in this struggle that in reality, nothing changed. It was just that what already existed in people was magnified... Myself, included. And this might actually be my biggest struggle now.

A huge wake up call came to me over the past nine months. I had been told I lived in a bubble and boy did I! I ALWAYS looked for the best, focused on positive, overlooked the bad.... It seemed though, that through this time of crisis, the pain and strain and overload I was under, couldn't, wouldn't and didn't allow for any kind of leeway. I quite bluntly had to call it like I saw it. And, now, I am left feeling like weeds have grown in my life and that in large portion, I have allowed those weeds to grow and have not pulled them. Now, they need pulled and their roots are deep and they are sturdy and I wish I had noticed them growing before so I could have yanked them- but I didn't....I chose to ignore them and focus on flowers.... and now I struggle to do what I know needs done.

The struggle is real, but I can't allow the weeds to take up space in a beautiful garden when they suck the life out of things I purposely planted and water and care for that I want to grow. Including weeds that attack me- almost as if they are poison ivy..... those weeds are the most deadly. I picture that old cartoon where the weeds reach over and strangle the plants beside them and that's how I feel. They make me feel like I can't breathe, like I need to escape.

I Hope You Dance

I'm going to share a piece of my story that was a very painful part of my life. I am sharing it simply because I hope it encourages you to talk and lets you know that if you need someone who will listen, I will, without judgement.

When I was in the end of my 5th grade year, I was 10ish? My very best friend (only the second best friend I had ever had in my life because we moved so much) called me up after school to see if I wanted to go on a bike ride with her. I was home alone, but always a responsible kid, so I told her I couldn't go because I had some things I had to do at home- chores- I told I would go with her after I finished.

Before I knew it, my phone was ringing and kids from school were calling me and asking if I was ok. They were telling me my best friend died.

That seemed impossible. I just spoke with her. Someone was playing a not funny joke, I thought.
Pretty soon a friend that I trusted who was pretty mature for his age called me and asked if I was ok. I told him about the not funny joke and he told me it wasn't a joke. He told me to call and talk to her mom. He told me she had been hit, by a drunk driver while riding her bike. He was there. I knew it then that it must be true. I could hear it in his voice.

I called her mom. It was true.

I was still home alone and I threw everything I could around our apartment. I was so ANGRY. How does this happen? WHY does this happen? She was so young! She was my best friend!

And then, GUILT. I was supposed to be with her. What if I was there? Maybe I could have caught her as she flew back down from the air? Maybe I would have been hit and not her? I SHOULD HAVE .....This is my fault. I could have stopped it. I still cry as I type this, because I can remember that pain.

I considered ending my life. I didn't want to live.

"Rainbow Connection" was the song they played at her funeral- she loved that song.... and to this day, when I see a rainbow or hear this song, I think of her.....

I went on living, though, I cried a lot. I hurt a lot. I lost more loved ones in between then and now. I also saw a lot more of the world, I met a lot more people. I made some new friends. I moved some more. Some of the friends I went through that with - and her mom and her little brother- are still in my life today. And you know what? We all remember that pain. But, we all also have learned a compassion for others that I am not sure we would have if we hadn't gone through that pain.

Years later, when my oldest daughter was 9, my next one, 8, then 6 and 4..... she lost her best friend- they all lost a cousin they loved tremendously. She was also hit by a car- but he wasn't drunk and she wasn't on a bike. Our whole family felt those feelings again. Anger. Then guilt.... It was a very powerful thing to be able to know how my daughters felt because I had been there. It was good that I could walk them through the feelings they had, listen to them, let them be angry, let them know I understood them feeling guilty- even guilty that they could go on dancing and singing and living without her, let them be sad and crumble in my arms, just let them be.....

But I could offer them a hope that this wasn't going to last forever. I could tell them about my own story and how painful it was, but that it didn't last forever. I could share with them that just as I came to know that my best friend would still want me to live and laugh and love and ride my bike... their cousin would still want them to live and laugh and love and dance and sing like they all used to do. Mostly, I hugged them a whole lot and told them how much I loved them. I wrote scriptures on note cards to give them truths to focus on whenever their mind pulled them in a different direction. I listened to them whenever they wanted to talk and I encouraged them to live and told them one day, they would see how this tragic loss would make it so they could be there in a way for others like I was for them- with a heart full of compassion because they knew what it was like to lose someone you loved so much.

That song, "I Hope You Dance" was popular then.... and it still makes me think of her. I told my daughters that I believed that the lyrics from the song would be the message their cousin would have for them.

Life is hard sometimes. It sucks sometimes. But, life has a lot of beauty to offer ....
Listen to this:

http://youtu.be/y2SfmcNg8js

Here I Am

I'm probably just gonna ramble. I feel better when I write.
I have no answers - only questions in my mind.
There is no easy way of making troubles light.
But there is an easier way of taking on the fight.
I remember I don't stand alone, I don't sit, I don't breathe… I am surrounded by armies of angels and they are all around me.
It isn't even them I feel, at least I don't think it is. It is the presence of my Lord, his strength encapsulates me.
Here I am, His strength comes to me through people who walk on this earth by my side.
Here I am, His love comes pouring out from the many helping hands.
Here I am, His hand are wiping my tears with the hugs and embraces I feel.
Here I am, His hope it filling my life as I see every need being met.
Here I am and I call on the Great I AM, He is God, I am not, I won't pretend.
Here He is through it all and I have learned I can call on Him time and time again.

Sitting at the hospital watching my husband sleep ….. Callico S. Neu

The Greatest of What Remains…..

These three remain…. Faith, Hope and Love.

Faith Hope and Love can remain - it's a choice, if you ask me, but possible for them to remain no matter what. 

Sometimes life is complicated. Sometimes life is difficult. Sometimes life is easy. Sometimes life is wonderful! Sometimes life is absolutely awful.

But, here is the deal. YOU CAN HOLD ON TO FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE. Those three things can remain - should you chose to allow them no matter what is happening in life!

The greatest of the three? LOVE. 

WHY?

Love is stepping aside, getting yourself out of the way, focussing on other.

Love is what you can do and be to someone else to help keep them hoping and having faith.

But, love is not about you. 

LOVE IS THE GREATEST because it is better to give than to receive.

LOVE IS THE GREATEST because it is something that you can give when you don't have anything else to give.

LOVE IS THE GREATEST because it is contagious and once you give it, you catch it back- or at least feel a little something from it that keeps you a bit warm and fuzzy!

My best advice if you need a pick me up? Stop sulking about yourself, you situation, your sickness, your predicament, your lack and start LOVING OTHERS!

My Favorite Things About This Guy, Jesus…….

So, based on my upbringing, I have always told my kiddos the truth about Santa and the reality that Christmas Day isn't REALLY the birthday of Jesus, but when we choose to celebrate it. (Much the same as how we usually celebrate our own birthdays on a convenient day- not the actual day of birth.)

I have also been always honest about the story of His birth. Yes, Shepherds were probably told first. God is cool like that, he often uses those people that others consider the under-dog or slightly under par according to society. I think it may be because often times, they realize they don't have much to lose in following Him- but, I also think it shows the proud that it's a good thing to depend on God and not just yourself, because the really cool things happen then!

The wise men? Let's be serious…. sometimes, they stand alone in another part of the house away from the Nativity at our house because they weren't there when he was born. Good heavens! There were no airplanes back then. They probably  showed up when Jesus was a toddler- the journey was too far!

Anyway, what I really have always appreciated as I started looking at the story of WHO this guy Jesus was on earth, some things have really stood out to me. These things have caused me to love him more than I had before- because, hey! He's God and man and CHOSE to be in RELATABLE.

First, He was born into a working class family. Born in a stable of all places where virtually ANYONE could come to him. (Right off the bat- he was available to people- not in some ritzy, high class building where only a few were welcome….) To a woman who got pregnant OUTSIDE of marriage… (gasp)….. to a YOUNG mother (teen)…… He was a child to a STEP-DAD and had only "HALF-SIBLINGS". (Can you imagine all the people talking about this family behind their backs and under their breath?)

As an adult he chose to be HOMELESS….. Have you ever met anyone who CHOSE that life? (I know one person….it takes a very humble spirit.)

He hung out with and talked to people that society discounted or hated and he chose to love them! He was a RULE BREAKER whenever it came to rules; he chose a person over being right or being thought of as right by others.

Yeah, this Jesus, stole my heart when I realized how he could have chosen a different life when he lived here with us…. but he chose the common life. The life that would make him more relatable to more people. I love that about him. He didn't come for the select few- he came FOR ALL.

Blurred Lines, Miley and Us......

After reading many comments and a couple articles about the VMA Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke performance I decided to watch. Here is the warning.... STOP READING this if you are easily offended. I am going to be "thinking out loud" and it could get ugly.

All these people are disgusted with Miley. Others are outraged that Robin Thicke is married and has a son and allowed young Miley to move on him like that.Others feel that they can teach their own kids a lesson from her behavior or his...... and maybe you can. But, I want to know will you first try to learn from it yourself?

BLURRED LINES. That is EXACTLY where our society lives! You have to be a certain age to have a facebook account.... but do you REALLY? You have a dress code you are to follow at school- but it's not really "enforced".  Another human being tells you that what you are doing is hurting them in some way- their feelings, their body, whatever.... do you REALLY have to stop? You have to be 21 to buy alcohol- SERIOUSLY? Our food is all approved and safe for us to eat by our government- REALLY? Is that why some of the same things we allow here are banned in other countries? A woman gets raped and then has to turn around and feel added guilt and shame because people insinuate or just come right out and say it's her fault because of how she was dressed?

I have heard adults tell 2 and 3 year old girls they are "sexy". I have been told by 14-19 year olds how common it is for all kids their age to "grind" which, for the record is what it sounds like- moving as though you are having sex while wearing clothes- dry-humping all in some big pile up of a circle....and guess what? Adults are right there allowing it. I have seen little boys applauded for getting girlfriends- and the more the better. 

Our media promotes sex everywhere. Not just the act- but the act of selling yourself as sex- being hot, staying up all night to get lucky. What is that? Lucky at what? You know you are worthwhile if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You know you have value if you can squeeze into a size...... How popular are you? That's what really matters, you know. How many "likes" can you get? How many "followers"  and "friends". Is that what REALLY matters in life?

So, we allow a young lady to come out and sing about doing what she wants- she can't stop and she won't stop and she is not alone.... she says "we" because she is right. It is COMMON! It's NOT just Miley Cyrus. It's not just Robin Thicke. (Remember Brittney Spears? Lindsey Lohan?) How about the kids at your local high school with underwear hanging out with their main goal in life being how many girlfriends they can get? Or the butt cheeks hanging out for the world to see? Or cleavage exposed so much so that you fear a nipple may actually show? Do you know that our Super Bowl boasts the biggest pro-football event and biggest SEX TRAFFICKING event in our country?????

Where do you think our kids are learning that all of this is ok. Not just ok but good and acceptable.......normal.

So, Miley comes out  in a teddy bear costume (representing youth and child-likeness) then RIPS IT OFF to a skin toned colored bra and panty set and then we put her on a stage with a man who is about to sing a song about how even if you are a good girl, he knows you "want it" and your gonna "get nasty"...... and what are the exact moves you are thinking they may come up with????????????????????? Um, I'm sorry, but I am pretty sure someone is in charge about what is on TV still.... funny how the next morning it wasn't acceptable to show on TV because "kids are around". Where were the kids the night before???/ WHAT THE HECK? Are we THAT STUPID!!!????

BLURRED LINES? Get a grip, people. Quit getting all pissy because the exact thing we as a society ALLOW ON A DAILY BASIS is done publicly every once in a while in front of TONS of people instead of just a few! So, you are going to shame one person and act so disgusted when you LIVE in these BLURRED LINES DAILY?! 

Now, let me say this- for me.... this has become a REAL wake up call. I teach fitness and I listen to words of songs closely for my classes as I do not want to be responsible for bringing crap lyrics to young lives. However, I liked the catchy tunes associated with both of these songs, but never took the time to look at what they were actually saying......Now that I have, I will NEVER allow them to be played at my house or in my car again- it's a given that they won't be in any of my classes, either. Why would I?? What kind of message do they send? Absolutely NO KIND of message I want anyone to associate with me. 

This has been a wake up call for me to be sure that I don't just fall unaware into the blurred lines that surround our culture and society today. Maybe more people need to put some glasses on so things can clear up and not be so blurry any more..... just a thought....... 

Steal Kill and Destroy

I know many people who are not Christians, but they would still agree with this concept.

The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy.

A thief takes without thought of giving.

What a thief takes can be different in different situations and for different people; but, believe this- they will destroy and kill if they are allowed. 

Destroy and kill relationships, happiness, trust, love, hope, joy, peace.

The thief will not always be up front about it, either. 

But, thieves are everywhere and they mean only to take for themselves without thought of how they have affected the victim(s) of their schemes.

Most thieves are pretty good at what they do. They are usually liars. Sometimes they are so good at lying, even they believe themselves.....

Take the illness that feeds on it's victim trying to convince him or her that they don't stand a chance. Making them ill and zapping their joy.

Look at the bully at school who belittles the other children- putting them down, trying to make themselves look better by making others feel worse.

How about the boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn't really love their mate- but loves the fact that they can get what they want from them pretty much when they want and don't have to give much if anything back to the relationship so they stay in it and keep just saying the words to make the other person stay under false hope.

What about the parent who just can't let their child become who they were made to become- doing what they love and are passionate about because they demand the child go in a direction the parent dreams about.

Or maybe it's the friend who just is so insecure that they are constantly putting pressure on everyone around them to be who they want them to be so they feel safe. If they see their friends having relationships with others, or do well at something, they feel threatened and so they get upset and the friendship is attacked.

Have you thought about drugs and alcohol and they way it makes a person feel better for a few minutes or hours and then leaves them lower than they had been?

I believe we often ignore or forget that we live in a spiritual realm. We feel like our fights are between us and another person. Or us and God. The reality is that a spiritual war is raging and it is always present. To not believe in good and evil is to not believe in right and wrong, day and night..... 

The real thief the devil prowls around like a lion waiting to devour. He is a liar and the father of lies. 

In my mind, he is behind these battles above. Not a person..... yes, he may plant some seeds in a way that makes a person believe a lie and follow the wrong path. Yes, he may convince you that you are defeated. He may work through a person.....an illness......drugs or alcohol.....but the key to battle is always to KNOW YOUR ENEMY.

If you know that his job is to steal kill or destroy..... then, be on  the look-out for that happening in your life!

If you feel like your life or the things in life that you enjoy are being taken-  relationships, happiness, trust, love, hope, joy, peace- then you can be pretty sure that the enemy is scheming against you! If you are feeling defeated, like giving up, like a complete failure with no hope and no love- you are being played!! DO NOT let the schemes of the thief work against you in your life! FIGHT BACK!

Sometimes, it means you have to totally turn away from a situation or even the person. Sometimes it means you need a support group. Sometimes it means you need to get help and guidance by way of counseling. Sometimes it means standing up to a person or a situation and doing all that you can to communicate and gain understanding together. 

But recognizing what is going on is the first step to fixing the problem. So not allow your life to be stolen killed or destroyed! Do not allow a thief to have an easy job! Choose to recognize, work to conquer and keep away!