"We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve"

"We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve".... a line out of the movie THE PERKS OF BEING A WALL FLOWER.

That line spoke to my very core.

That line is quite possibly the truest statement I have ever heard.

I have been pondering it for a couple days. It says what I have thought and felt and seen and known but now known how to put into words.

People chase relationships with people who are not good for them.... People stay in relationships where they are verbally or physically mistreated. People are sure that God doesn't exist- or if He did, they feel they are not good enough for Him. People close themselves off and refuse to be honestly who they are with others. Sometimes they put on a show and pretend to be a person they are not to impress or cover up who they really are.

People overeat. Overeat. Drink too much. Do drugs. People are lackadaisical about taking care of themselves- eating right, drinking enough water, exercising, getting enough rest and sleep. Some people don't even need another person anymore to beat them up as they call themselves the worst things, they cut themselves, they are convinced that they are unlovable and unworthy.....

In a very sad way it makes perfect sense.

We have all experienced this imperfect world. We have all been a part of it at one point or another.

Someone lies to you. Puts you down. Tells you you are not worth it. Tells you you are no good. Tells you they don't care or want you around. Tells you that you are crazy. They don't believe you anyway even when you pour your heart out to them. Or worse- they tell you they love you while they do these things.....

Someone is nice when you are standing in front of them  but then they talk behind your back in negative ways. They say you can trust them and count on them- you want to believe.....

Someone doesn't accept your humanity and they expect perfection from you- and you know you can't live up to it- and so you feel like you aren't good enough.....

Someone violates you sexually. You think that you are only good for one thing.... 

Someone violates you physically and you think you are less than others.....

Someone ignores your attempts to make a relationship with them. No matter what you do, it is just not enough. You always have to make the efforts and give of yourself and unless you do, they aren't interested. They don't initiate or try and soon you feel a sense of abandonment and rejection.....

These are some examples of the things we face in this imperfect world we live in. No one is perfect and we truly only open ourselves up to LOVE when we feel we deserve it.

Let me tell you- YOU DESERVE LOVE!!! You were created for GOOD. You were created for RELATIONSHIP! Don't deny yourself! Learn to love yourself and then you will know how to love others.....

Raising Kids in a Crazy World

If you know me, you know I love kids! All kids! However, my very favorite age group of kids happen to be teenagers.....

People think I am crazy or a saint because of this. But, the reality is that we all have different talents and gifts and to the people who think teens are difficult, but babies are easy, I would say that YOU are crazy or a saint! ;)

I like the teen years because it is a time of huge developmental change. Hormones are raging, brains are racing, social skills are demanding and independence is flaring! What an exciting time!!

With my own children (all girls), I have sort of counted down to their adulthood officially when they turned 13. 

13th birthday- In 5 years, you will be an adult.

14th birthday- In 4 years, you will be an adult.

15th birthday- In 3 years, you will be an adult.

16th birthday- In 2 years, you will be an adult.

17th birthday- In 1 year, you will be an adult.

Otherwise known as a GROWN UP! :)

Honestly, that is as far as we have come so far.... 

If I did my job correctly in the formative years- which many say ends personality wise around 9, then at this stage of the game, in my mind, my job has become largely that of a Guide. 

When they were very little, I had many more rules. I picked out food, clothing, friends, hang outs and the like. I did a lot of teaching and explaining to my girls along the way always having in the back of my mind, that as they grew, I would have less and less rules and prayerfully and hopefully, they would have learned enough from me to make good choices.

Teaching them to make good choices was definitely part of the journey. 

I would explain why I made the choice I made. I explained to them why I felt this outfit was appropriate and this one was not. I told them why eating this food was better than that one. I gave them insights into relationships with people and how to choose friends wisely, but how important it was to be kind to everyone.

All of the time and energy used to do this was of good use. In my mind, I knew if I put the extra work and effort in while they were so young and formative, they would grown up evaluating and thinking and looking at things from different angles....

As they got older, I gave them more and more choices.... If they needed help, I would help them create pros and cons lists. I would help them look at something from another perspective. I encouraged them to ask questions. 

I was never a "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" Kind of parent. To me that did nothing to help them develop, except teach them to just chew up and swallow what someone else was saying without thinking. I didn't want my kids to grown up into adults who didn't think for themselves. I didn't want them to grow into an adult who didn't know they could and sometimes should question authority. I did teach them how to do it respectfully, though.

I am and always have been honest with my kids. If I yell, they know I am yelling to get their attention. I am not a good "yeller" and I don't do it well, so at times it can be quite comical. (Like the time it made me pee.....)

I don't usually swear, but they know that when I do, it is because I am at my last effort in grabbing their attention.Yelling and swearing are not things I like, either, and they also know that.

They know I mess up. They also know that when I do, I admit it and I ask forgiveness. I am not a perfect anything.... parent, wife, sister, friend, daughter. I am honest with my kids because I think they need to know  perfection is not expected of them, either. Just that they try their best. Their best- not my best, or their friend's best or sister's best--- whatever best looks like for them!

My kids know my faith and it is a faith I have tried my best to teach them. But, we have also looked at the faith of others and we have explored other beliefs. 

As a mother of teens, my biggest thing is that they TALK WITH ME. I am here ALWAYS and for ANYTHING and I will NEVER stop loving them. They know there is simply NOTHING they can do or say that will change my love for them. 

I will give them advice- sometimes when they don't want it. I will continue to guide and teach and educate them. But, let's face it, I would be doing them an injustice if I were still trying to call all the shots and then expecting them to go out into the world in 1 year, 2 years- even the next 3-5 years and make good decisions for themselves!

They are each different, as individuals often are, so things vary from person to person. I try my best to treat each of them as an individual while respecting the fact that I also try to be somewhat fair. 

But honestly, one of them likes and cares way more than the others about make up and hair. One has problems in math and needs more time to study. One is so self-driven that it sometimes makes me nervous! One loves TV and is a great story teller. But, they are all girls, too and so they have similarities in that....

Of course they have each been attracted to a boy- isn't that how God made us? Completely normal! However, we discuss why they are attracted and when they want to have a boyfriend- WHY that is... and they KNOW across the board that the age may vary, but we will ALWAYS want to know their friends and their boyfriends as our kids are more precious to us than our cars and our home.... and just as we would never give keys to either of those things to a stranger, we won't give our daughters to a stranger!!

I would rather they start practicing while they are here with me (when I can still guide them and help them through difficulties), rather than beginning to make their own decisions and running their lives more independently when they leave here for the first time. At that point in time, I want them (and me) to be confident that they CAN DO IT! They have more knowledge, skills and experience already..... when life throws them curve balls, they won't just get hit between the eyeballs!

The cool thing is, that it has worked so far for us.

My girls talk to me. They know I have an open mind. That I am not going to be judgmental. That I am looking out for them and their best interest even if I give them advice they don't agree with or like.

I am not saying I never have to say no. Or set limits. I do. I am just selective about it. And I am more selective about the limits I set and what I say no to, the older they get. 

I understand that this is also necessary because a relationship where one person calls all the shots and the other has no input- isn't really a true relationship. It's a dictatorship. This can lead to huge breakdown. Kids sneaking and lying and hiding. On the other hand, a relationship where a person just steps back and says nothing and does nothing is also no kind of relationship, either! It says you don't really care- and so why should I come to you? Why should I value your opinion? In either instance, certain kids in households with these kinds of parents often run to others more way more than their parents to find their worth and to get information and guidance.

There has to be a balance. That is true of everything in life. Balance is key. And the balance will vary from person to person as each person is different.

I am convinced that even though so many people think and say the teenage years are the worst, they don't have to be. As the youthful independence of our children rises up, we need to respect and nurture and guide it- not try to crush it!!

I am convinced that this world IS crazy place- therefore, I need to be a place and a person of safety and trust and love for my kids. I need to protect that relationship from the craziness of the world and sometimes from the abundant and potential-to-be-overbearing love of a parent! I am the adult here, after all. So, it is my job to make this happen! I don't take it lightly. I pray all the time about it. And, just as I teach my children- I do MY BEST with it. Less than that is just not acceptable!

A Hardened Heart..... My Hardened Heart

It has come to my attention lately that something terribly disconcerting has happened.....
The fact of the matter is I once had such a soft and loving heart.... so soft it would bring tears to my eyes when I would see them in others'. It would be compelled to always think and want the best from and for someone else- always, no matter what.... even if they killed a bunch of innocent people. It would make me feel incapable of sitting on a jury to determine another person's fate.
This heart of mine over the years has seen some pretty horrible things. Had some pretty tremendous burdens. Been hurt. And.... as things like this have occurred, it has become hard. Like a wall being built up around it. Not willing to let things penetrate that may cause more pain, more let down, despair.....it has found a way to stay safe.... but, at what cost?

It stopped looking at strangers with a smile and started looking at them like they could possibly be harmful. 
It stopped feeling sorry for people who were in bad circumstances and instead thought- "make a different choice and alter your course, if you are so unhappy."
It stopped allowing a person to hurt me without in turn withholding a bit of love from them- maybe eve more than a bit.
I don't like these changes I see.
I like the reckless abandonment my heart used  to be capable of without even trying.
The forgiveness and grace that was so ready to be extended without worry of being used again or wounded again.
How can I get that back?
I am not completely sure. 
Starting today, though, when I see my heart hardened, I am going to make the opposite move and be more loving. 
When I suffer a loss, I will look forward to a new beginning and a lesson learned.
When I want to judge, I will love.
When I want to withdrawal, I will force myself to open up and love.
When I feel fear, I will ignore it, or face it and go forward anyway.
When I want to hold a grudge, I will forgive.
When I see someone else reacting with a hard heart, I will cover them in prayer and with kindness and be more nourishing.
I do not choose to continue down this path.....a soft heart, though it can be bruised, easily hurt and wounded, feels so much better than a rock hard one! This is one area of my body that no matter how much I work out, I want to remain soft! ;)

So Not a Superficial Girl!

I blog to work through things in my mind. I blog to get a message out. I blog as a way of venting. I blog to share sometimes in hopes that it helps someone else.....

Today I am working through things in my mind.

I have been on Facebook since 2009, I believe. I didn't really want to join, but I had some friends telling me I really needed for several months and so, I decided to at least give it a go! Fast forward about 3 years and some 1,300 friends later.....

Getting on Facebook was just starting to frustrate me. I mean, I could see into the lives of so many. I could look at endless pictures, read people's jokes, frustrations, accomplishments, let downs, see their foods and get hungry.... But in the midst of this, while I also tried to share my own, I felt a block. Something that just wasn't as satisfying and meaningful as the relationships I had with these people in the real world outside of Facebook.

Maybe it is because we are nearing the Holidays. Maybe it's because the novelty finally wore off for me..... Maybe it's because I am so relational.... but I am at a place where I just had more frustrations about Facebook than anything, really.

I only deactivated my account Monday. Today is Thursday. But, I have felt a peace I haven't felt in a long time. I have a world of people who's voices I can actually hear, and some of them, I can touch and sit with and talk to. I think I need this time to have relationships in "real time" right now. I need more than words, typed....still pictures to look at. 

My preference is old school. Getting together with actual people. Phone conversations and for those I am really close to and wish to see but can't- there are web-cams, Face Time and Skype and they are so much better than still pics!

Also, I am no longer waking up and wanting to check Facebook and see what I have missed. I am waking up and spending time with those I love. I also have more time than before. I am getting another work out in each day. I am taking an online class and going at a really good pace.

I am also not feeling as sad that I cannot be with the people I see and miss on Facebook because I am not getting the fact that we aren't together shoved in my face anymore on a daily basis.

So, for me, right now, this has been a good move. I do miss the ability I had to promote my fitness classes and keep people up to speed about a Missions Trip my daughters and I will be taking. I also miss putting pictures and info up for our High School basketball team.... but then I realize, I am giving others the ability to take a turn doing it!

It's funny, too. As many "friends" as I have on there, and as often as I would post, I have only had a handful ask where I am- why I am not posting..... just another thing pointing to the fact that Facebook is really superficial. Just another thing pointing to the fact that the REAL relationships I share with people are the ones that are much more than Facebook. The relationships with the people in my life who want to be there- who make an effort and who care how my life is and show interest through actual conversations are the ones I want to spend my time on and focus on.

I like to do more than skim the surface with people. I like to know and be known. To love and be loved. .....

So not a Superficial Girl!

WWJD-

It has been a crazy week. Emotional, exhausting, troubling, concerning.....long.....
Sunday afternoon, we found out via social media that a young man in the Junior Class at our high school had taken his life.
You feel helpless in situations like this as you read of the sadness, confusion, guilt, and sometimes feelings of hopelessness coming from your computer screen.... your heart aches as you can feel the pain from their posts....because you have experienced pain like that and understand on many levels how they feel and what they are going through.
In an attempt to reach out and let the hurting young people you know that someone is there and cares for them, you invite them to a church service you attend that happens every Sunday evening specifically for youth in high school. You let them know that if they feel like church is a place they want to go, it is open and you can offer them a ride.
Before you know it, people are posting that there is a service at your church - a Memorial Service for this young man who is no longer with us.
It's OK....you say to yourself. People will come and they will be right where they should be- with people who love God and love others. You try to remind them this is just a regular church service, but you know that the young man and this situation will be talked about as many people who go to this service knew him....and there will be prayer and hugs if wanted.....
WOW.
We prayed before we walked out into the room- we prayed for God to be there and to use us and speak words through us.
We walked into a room that soon held over 100 people easily....including the young man's family.
What happened was amazing- the plans for the regular service went out the window. People were told that they mattered. That their feelings - as many emotions as they had- were relevant and that sometimes life is hard and things don't make sense but, they were LOVED. They were loved by God and loved by the people present from our church.
We sang a couple songs... we gathered as much tissue as we could for all those tears..... we hugged so long and so hard that our arms and shoulders were actually sore..... we shed our own tears with them.
We were all reminded that this is what our Bible teaches us- we mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice.
We got to hear from friends and family about their favorite memories and times with their loved one.
The principal and a football coach and two guidance counselors from the high school came. The principal and the coach shared from their hearts as they spoke to the students and the parents. The two guidance counselors spoke with individuals and gave out great big hugs......
This is so moving to me as I think this is exactly how Jesus would have done life with others..... he would have given up the "church plan" in a heart-beat for the people who were broken-hearted and hurting. He would have loved them right there and then and comforted them.
This is what Christians often profess to do- live life like Jesus..... in this particular case, I think they put those words into action- WWJD- DID IT!
I am so thankful to be a part of Rocky Mountain in Frederick Colorado. I am honored beyond measure that I get to serve in Thrive- our High School Ministry.

What The?

I am seeing so many posts from so many Christian friends I have this morning and even last night.... well, heck.... for weeks now.

Here is the thing, I get sick to my stomach sometimes reading the crap!

Judge-mental. Legalistic. Imposing.

No wonder people don't want to go to church. No wonder people don't like Christians.

As a Christian, you should know that God himself does not FORCE himself on people. He gives us FREEDOM. Love isn't really love if it is forced on someone. A choice isn't really a choice if it is forced on someone.

How about getting out of your church? Out of your home? Out of your little circle of friends? How 'bout going into the world and hanging out with people who don't think like you? Act like you? Believe like you?

Jesus and his disciples did that! They hung out with the people that the legalistic, judge-mental and imposing people said not to!

Here is the thing- man looks at the outward appearance of things- GOD LOOKS AT THE HEART.

Are you REALLY telling me you KNOW what is in the heart of another man or woman? What their motivation is? No, I don't think you can.

As a Christian our two greatest commandments are #1. Love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul. #2. Love your neighbor as yourself.

LOVE GOD/ LOVE PEOPLE.

"NO!"



I was always the "yes" girl. Someone would ask me to help with this, do that, etc, etc. I felt like if I COULD I SHOULD. In fact my life verse was "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

HA! I got BURNT OUT! I mean, I was homeschooling, watching people's kids, working part time as a Childcare director, I was in choir, on Praise Team, leading a small group, working in children's ministry, teaching at co-op, coaching basketball.....I am sorry, I have to stop there, I am getting tired!! Phew!

I ended feeling used and abused and needed a LOT of time to regain my energy and stamina.
I stopped doing just about everything. I rested. I focused. I tried to understand how I got into that state and then tried to figure out how not to go back!

It wasn't until I found out my passion, that I realized how GOOD it was to say YES! It wasn't until I found my passion that I understood how easy it is to say NO!

 



You see, I now understand that we are all created with passions for a reason. Our passion is that thing(s) that gets our blood pumping and our motivation catches on fire and we actually just feel compelled and it feels good- not exhausting- and it is almost always on our mind and it is energizing!

If it isn't my passion- it must be someone else's. They will be energized by it and more focused. They will be able to take it to a much higher level than I will.

If it isn't my passion- I will get drained...It will feel like work and I will not be making it as good as it could be.

So, if it isn't my passion, I now can say "NO" with full confidence that it is a good thing. :)
How freeing!!