My word for 2012 "BETTER"

Someone asked me last night what my New Year's Resolution was going to be.

I do not really like the whole idea of a New Year's Resolution.....so, I do not have one.
I DO, however, like the idea a a word for the year. Another friend of mine does that- and as I follow her blog and tweets I see that it works, somehow "better" than a resolution. Maybe it is because a single word can carry meaning into so many facets of life and is general and focussed at the same time in some strange but very meaningful way....
That is my word- "BETTER".
Off the top of my head I can think of this word and its meaning transposing itself into various areas of my life in the coming year- and in the long and short of it- helping me to focus on what is most important- at least at this juncture as we all know priorities change over time and circumstance.
A lot of life as I have known it will be changing this year- and I will share that as the journey continues...but as I prepare for these changes and visualize the future, I know without a doubt that there are many areas of my life in which I must start learning the difference between good and better.
 I feel I have somewhat of a grasp on the difference between bad and good. I do not always choose good over bad- sometimes as a creature of habit, sometimes out of a certain sense of rebellion...but I must say, usually, I at least know the difference. If, though, this year, I am chosing BETTER- even over GOOD- that should help dismantle  the bad options in life a little better, too, right? (maybe that pun was intended... (;)

 
Anyway- think of the sayings you have heard;
"It is better to give than to receive."- I may need to be on the giving end more than I had before.
"Two are better than one."- maybe my alone time isn't as valuable as I had thought. Maybe more teamwork is necessary
"Better is the enemy of best" - and yet- without always even chosing better over good, is it possible to jump over everything to best?
"My life is better because you are in it."- am I making the lives of those around me better? Who am I around that makes my life better?
"Well done is better than well said"- are my actions speaking loudly and clearly to others- or are my actions muddled down as I just fill the air with the noise of my words?
"Adjustment with the right people is always better than argument with the wrong people." I need not waste my time, effort and energy arguing with others. Instead, I need to focus on working with the people in my life that I have meaningful relationship with sometimes that means adjusting to make things BETTER.
"It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Am I being loving? I need not be too guarded...
"Make better choices-" better food choices, better drink choices, better time choices,
"It is better to have a few good friends than many aquaintances."- makes me think of things like Facebook and all the thousands of people who have sometimes such deep insight into our personal lives...

So, you see the possibilities of BETTER seem almost endless.... I am just scratching the surface here....but thru the upcoming year, I plan on getting BETTER at chosing what is BETTER...and becoming a BETTER person in doing so.

Cheers! :)

Bully! Bully!

Recently I had the privledge of going with a group of people to elementary schools to give a message thru a program we call "Rush Hour" about RESPECT and "anti-bullying".

Before we went, I was very excited as I personally know some young children as well as some older ones who have been faced with bullying and I think it is a hugely important message to tell these young people that it is WRONG to bully. Youngsters need to know that it is not acceptable. They are valuable people and do not have to take someone else pushing them around, belittling them, or being cruel to them with words or actions.

Something had not occurred to me until I was there backstage listening to the message being acted out. I heard them say that young people can take their example from the older people around them concerning how to treat others and show respect....and it has had me thinking....

I  KNOW ADULTS WHO ARE BULLIES!

You probably do, too. You know- the ones who put you or others down. They say things to make people feel like they are worthless and gross and ignorant. They use their words to tear others down - ON PURPOSE!

I am not sure what makes people think they have the right to belittle another human being...but it is DEAD WRONG! Somehow, even though our society does not condone in any way shape or form physical abuse, it seems to in some way, excuse this verbally abusive behavior sometimes with adult people. I am not sure why. It really is just NOT ACCEPTABLE!

I urge you, if you are being bullied by an adult in your life- confront them. Try to seek help. If they refuse to change- don't walk- RUN in the other direction as fast as you can! You ARE valuable and deserve to be treated with respect!! If a person in your life is purposely tearing you down- saying demeaning things to you- making you feel ashamed and bad about yourself to somehow make themselves feel better- YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE IT!

Make the choice to surround yourself with positive, loving, and caring people. When you are in that kind of an environment, you have the ability to reach out to others in a positive, loving and caring way. Don't let the harmful and hurtful words of another push you down so that you cannot be a light to others! After all- in this world one of the most important things you can do is love others.... :)

RESPECT-

esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.

deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for respect for a suspect's right to the elderly.

BULLY-
a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.

Selfish Confessions

Confession time.... Hopefully this will help someone else on their journey. It is pretty embarrassing to me....

I had my first child when I was 24.5. I had my last when I was 29.5. I had FOUR in FIVE years. Not complainging about that. I really wanted to have them close together. Our hope is that they will always be best friends - there for eachother thru life!

People told me that when I had children my life would completely change- I thought they didn't know what they were talking about. I had worked with children and adults with disabilities, I had nannied, I had been serviing people and teaching them for a long time. How different could having kids be?? HA! My life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. My husband and I also made the decision that our children would be homeschooled, and not watched by people who were not in our family until they were able to talk well enough to give us details of time spent with people- and had a good foundation of good verse bad, etc. I had some part time jobs along the way while raising and homeschooling my four girls. Watched other kids, cleaned houses, worked for a church part time, worked part time at Gap Kids...things like that.

I liked homeschooling. I loved my kids. But as my husband said, "You like Chocolate ice cream, does that mean you would want it for every meal every day?" The answer became over the years, "No."

The thing was, I did absolutely nothing anymore that represented my own identity. No scrap booking, no horseback riding, no fitness, no dancing. We might have gone out on a date once a year- maybe twice.

I got to the point where I felt like my life consisted of living in a shadow. Supporting and aiding everyone else in my life with their dreams and desires and completely forgetting my own.

Food became a fantastic friend. So did watching TV. I am an introvert anyway, so slowly but surely, I didn't even want to come out of the house. We had moved to Illinois when my oldest was about 11 and I didn't really know people there and I really missed my family and my friends in Ohio....it was easier to just stay to myself and go out to my kids' activities, go to homeschooling co-op and that was more than enough.

I came to the end of my rope. My husband and I began having some marriage trouble. I really felt pushed over the edge. We had no church home as we had all the other years of our marriage. No accountability. No "help".

That's when it happened. A neighbor about 10 years younger than me, started inviting me to go for walks. on those walks we would end up running, doing lunges, crunches, talking. I felt the burn again. I remembered how much I missed that feeling. ( Working out had always been a huge part of my life- I was the 12 year old in the house working out to Jane Fonda videos alone, the girl in jr. high lifting weights with the guys after school, the college gal working at Bally's).

I started taking Zumba Fitness classes. I started remembering what it felt like to have my own identity....and BOY, did I let that feeling take over!!

Yes, I was working out again, and that was a good thing for I was up to about a size 16 and the end-of-pregnancy weight I had been before- and getting unhealthier by the minute! But, for about 2 years, I fed my own desires. I thought more about myself that anyone, really. I wasn't as thorough even in homeschooling my girls. I would leave my family time and time again just to do my own thing and be away. I went out with friends. I lavished myself with gifts- actually needed clothes as I lost weight- but it seemed like I cared more about my own clothes, than those of my children! Handbags, shoes, sunglasses- I had to have them.

UGLY. SELFISH. SELF-SEEKING. GROSS. SELF-CENTERED. ALL ABOUT ME. UNCARING.

Thankfully. we moved. I didn't want to move- but it WAS the best move.

With the move, we found a home church right away- which was a great thing as it was already bringing our family back to that foundation it had always had thru the years before we moved to Illinois. My kids needed me. My husband was sure he had not realized before being apart from us all for about 4 months, how much he needed all of us.

I find myself right now- regretting the way I seemed to have "checked out" of my family for a while. I can only tell others from my own experience, that it is so important to keep up with your own identity. Yes, serve and love others, but you can't let them become your life. You still have to see who you are- and do the things you were designed to do. For some people, that may be to wrap your whole world around your children and your husband. What I have found for myself and many other ladies I know is that I am better for myself, my husband and my kids when I have a balance.

I need to be about them. But, there are other things in life I am passionate about- and I cannot just push those things aside as if they don't exist. It makes me unbalanced and unhealthy.

Right now- I have my passions with my husband and children and I have my passions with things I am doing outside of that. I am a much happier me...and a much less selfish me. I love to work on the things outside of my family that are helping others- and I love the time I get with my family. Probably enjoying both aspects of life NOW, more than ever!

Hope this story of my selfishness helps someone else - hopefully, someone else can avoid going thru it!

The Beauty of Forgiveness

I have had some people in my life look up to me. I have had some people in my life call me a hypocrite and look down on me. Neither of these positions makes me happy. I have struggled my whole life wanting to make people happy- so, knowing full well that I am always going to let someone down because of how imperfect I am, makes me worrisome and pressured when they think too highly of me. On the other hand- people who judge me and seemingly dislike me...well, that makes me feel bad, too, because I want to be liked and I love people- so I don't enjoy being hated!

However, one thing that has become apparent to me over the years (and it has taken me 40)- is that you can never please everyone all the time. That is freeing!! I have learned that the harder someone judges another person, usually means the person doing the judging is the one with the bigger issues...I mean, let's face it- NO ONE is perfect- NOT EVEN ONE of us living here on earth. Knowing that I am imperfect should push me toward grace and mercy for others, knowing that I need it as well.

In 1 Timothy 1:15 Paul says this, "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." This is often times, exactly how I feel.

Also in Romans 7:15 Paul says this, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

Today, as I reflect on a life full of sin and grossness....I am thankful that I am forgiven! FORGIVENESS IS A  BEAUTIFUL THING!

The Beauty of Family

The past couple days as I have been noticing over and over again the beauty of family.

I adore my family!

I love moments we spend eating, shopping, cuddling, playing games, attending sporting events, watching movies...the years I have had the privledge of educating my kids...and still now, after sending some into public school it is so fun to get things ready with them for Spirit Week, going to see them perform, or play sports, meeting their friends, having their friends over, getting ready for dances...the support and the love that I feel as we all do life together and all cheer eachother on and show how much we really care about eachother is amazing!

Sometimes, most times, with six of us- life can get extremely busy and feel crazy! But, I wouldn't trade it for the whole world!!

I love it all- it is all so beautiful! I cannot imagine life without a family and the ties that bind us together- the memories we make together and the tremendous love we share. I have raised my girls telling them over and over again that they were born to be best friends. "No matter what the world throws at you, you will always have eachother!"

Family is a beautiful thing!! We are sooo blessed!!

Seeing Beauty

We had quite a bit of snow the past day and a half or so. I am not a fan of snow and cold and more darkness in a 24 hour period. In fact, if I could, I would live somewhere closer to the equator- where it was always hot, more sunny and never snowed! lol

However, this month of December, I am asking God to let me see more beauty. (Got this in a way from my cousin, Heather, who often asks God to surprise her!) You can read some of her stuff here: http://gentlespiritmama.blogspot.com/2011/11/day-1630.html

He sure does answer prayer! Today, in the midst of my driving around town thinking about the immense amount of fog and snow and greyness of the sky I found myself thinking "This is like Narnia- always winter, never Christmas!"

Suddenly, I drive by a beautiful sight- I had stopped thinking about how things looked outside completely and I see something that was so beautiful to me, I had to stop my car, put it in reverse, get out and take a picture! Then, of course, I HAD to share that picture on Facebook. (I share just about everything on Facebook- perhaps it's my part Hippie upbringing - you know, open book, sharing everything, peace, love, joy..... hehe)

Anyway, as I saw the beautiful, fluffy, white, powdery snow on  darker, harder, and more rigid branches against what was now a beautifully pure and illuminus shade of blue sky....I thought- "HOW BEAUTIFUL!"

Then, I started thinking...isn't that how God works? Even in times and places where we are thinking the forecast is ugly, dreary and dark...He shows up and He makes what we thought was far from beautiful into pure, magical beauty!! :)

Free Love- does the church have it wrong?

I am in no way writing this to slam the church. I have gone thru times in my life without a church and times with- and I must say- the times with it are better than without. There is a bond, an accountability, a unity that comes with being part of a church that is not easy to find thru aother avenues...

However, I have been completely turned off by the church at times. I have to always remember that, like me, the people who attend and make up the church body are not perfect beings by any stretch of the imagination. They are just people like anyone else in the world. Only difference really is that they trust Jesus has died for their sins and so they are forgiven.

When you read the Bible- the love that Jesus showed to people was a love that met them right where they were. He did not wait to love on them until they did this, said that....you know?

I look at the many Bible stories of people making wrong choices, sinning. God didn't stop loving them. If there was  a breakdown in the relationship, it was because the person walked away from Him- He wasn't walking away from them!

That is part of our imperfection- we as people- make other people feel they aren't "good enough"- haven't "done enough". GUESS WHAT?! NONE OF US ARE GOOD ENOUGH. NONE OF US COULD DO ENOUGH! One would hope that a person who goes to church every Sunday would understand this better than someone who doesn't....sadly- that doesn't always seem to be true!
Here is WHY we who are in church should know that :

Isaiah 64:6

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

I don't know why people in church act better than others, or say and do things that make others feel as if they are less. The sad thing is, I know MANY, MANY Church-goers who do not make others feel that way. However, the ones that do, turn people away from God- from church.

I wish that love was freely given to ALL (wo)men by ALL (wo)men. But, the reality is that none of us is that perfect. We are all going to mess up in one way or another. The best we can hope for is that when we do, we can realize we have and humble ourselves to admit it, ask for forgiveness and try to make things right.

Withholding love from others, requiring they change in order to feel loved and accepted- that is so far from how my loving God acts. He gives love FREELY to all who come to Him. He already loves you before you come, in fact, because He created you. Do you know Him?? I hope so....if you don't....it would be my pleasure to introduce you! :)

Forgiveness Part 3

So, it has taken me a while to finish this up....Forgiveness- Part 3.
I wrote about forgiving yourself and forgiving others already....today is the "how" part of all of that.

I definitely can only speak for myself....as I have only experienced how I personally forgive...

I pray. I ask God to help me forgive. I sometimes have to picture myself giving the offense- or the offender to Him and then picture myself walking away. Sometimes, depending on the depth of the wound, I have to do these things repeatedly....

I sometimes have to remind myself of how often I have needed to be forgiven and how imperfect I have been- how MUCH I appreciate the grace and the mercy I have been shown. (It is much more difficult for me to feel the need to "repay" or have revenge on someone for something they have done when I realize how I could have been treated for the wrongs I have done.)

I have to remind myself that the God I know is the fullness of goodness and trustworthiness and so whatever I give to Him, He will handle in the best way! I am reminded that I am thankful it is He who has handled my own transgressions and for that I am thankful as people are not nearly as good and trustworthy as He is.

I am really not sure how people forgive when they don't know and have a relationship with God. I know some people without that relationship and knowlege who choose to hold on to bitterness and unforgiveness and they usually end up with a hardened heart and become sort of grumpy and untrusting. I am sure it is not true of everyone. But, I can only write on this topic from my own understanding and experience.

As I said in an earlier post. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you are saying it is "ok". It is NOT "OK" that a man took my friend's life- but I can get to the point where I don't want to punish him myself because of what he did.

If you are in a relationship with a person who continually hurts you, I believe we can forgive-(not want to punish) and at the same time choose to distance ourselves a bit from the situation.Forgiving someone isn't giving them permission to walk on you like a door mat. If you recognize that being with a person who is negatively affecting the rest of your life - you cannot continue to be brought down like that. It is my opinion that we have a duty in this life to try to be positive, loving, encouraging, and a light- we cannot do this when we are constantly being brought down by negativity, hate, discouragement and darkness. So, sometimes, in order that we may continue to do our duty, we have to separate ourselves from the other.

I am thankful to know God. I am thankful to know the love and forgiveness he offers to me and everyone else! He is how I have been able to forgive others and He is how I will be able to continue to forgive. I hope you know Him!

Mercy Interrupts with PRAYER....

I am one of those people who likes to understand people. I thought about going into counseling, social work and therapy for a while because of this...It also drives me to take "tests"- you know, personality tests, strength tests, spiritual gift tests...

Well, Mercy is my number one Spiritual Gift.

1. Compassionate treatment, especially of those under one's power; clemency.

2. A disposition to be kind and forgiving: a heart full of mercy.

3. Something for which to be thankful; a blessing: It was a mercy that no one was hurt.

4. Alleviation of distress; relief: Taking in the refugees was an act of mercy

 

I am full of compassion. I love people. I want to help people. I am used to people feeling comfortable with me and having pretty deep relationships as I am also a "relator" on the strengths test and so developing relationships is part of who I am and how I work.

 

In the not so far away, I have had a couple friendships that were fairly new and those friendships were quickly spreading thru my heart and into my life.

 

Suddenly, the relationship came to an abrubt stand still. I was left with next to no information. But, that friend that was feeling like a new kindred spirit- was suddenly "ripped" away.

 

I began internalizing. I began thinking the person(s) I was caring so much about, just didn't like me anymore. I was feeling like I must have done something wrong. I wondered why this happened?? I. I. I. I. I. I. I......

 

 

It soon became apparent in both instances, that somehow, I made the situations all about me. Why?? In reality, the individuals I was dealing with were having some very major challenges in their lives that really had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! But, I was determined that they were all about me.

 

I guess, it is selfishness. A self-centered issue. I feel like a toddler as I write this- you know....thinking that the world revolves around me...?

 

In the midst of all of this, I felt nudged to pray for the person. This was a HUGE help. Praying shifted me away from me. Praying made me really feel for them and whatever their situation was- whether I knew what it was or not- and I didn't! But, it didn't matter so much anymore that I felt...it mattered that THEY felt. THEY had needs. That THEY were important. That THEY were loved and would come out of whatever was going on for the better.

 

Life feels so much better when it's not all about me. Life is so much nicer when instead of thinking the worst and worrying, I am hoping and wanting the best and trusting that God is good and he will take care of everything if I just have faith and try to love others and think of them before myself!

 

Some Turmoil Turned Around

I interrupt the Forgiveness series to share with you a little turmoil turned around!

Lately, I have been getting an incredible sense of loneliness.

I have told people about it. Posted on FB about it. I have asked people to pray concerning it. I have cried out loud about it. I have prayed myself and pondered why, in such a friendly place- and knowing so many people in such a short time- have I not had that "click"? I have been feeling pretty desperate about it....
   

We were fortunate enough as a family unit living in Plainfield, Illinois to have wonderful neighbors in our neighborhood that we could hang out with at the drop of a hat!
We had 2 families in Canton, Ohio that were like extended family to my family. We did weekends together, holidays...sometimes even school nights!
We were very close with 2 families in Pryor, Oklahoma as well. They became like family to us almost instantly as we were over 1000 miles away from our own.
Before that, we were in Columbus, Ohio and we were fabulous friends with a family with 3 boys when we had 3 girls. Again, like extended family!

You get the idea, I am sure! We got it in our heads, that where ever we lived, there would undoubtedly be someone that this connection would happen with.

Here, we have definitely made friends. But not the same kind. Very loving people, for sure, but no one we hang out with nearly every weekend consistently. No one we do holidays with. It is different. For a while, I had been looking at this as a bad thing....

It has been harder for me than my husband as he is a salesman and likes lots of people and has friends- but I am more intimate with people, I guess you could say. I LOVE spending one-on-one time. Talking. Laughing. Sharing life with others on a regular basis.

But, today, I feel like I had somewhat of a revelation!! Today, I feel like as bleak as things have seemed to me- they may not be so bad after all!

Today, I realized, that with only a couple more years with my oldest before she goes to college, and a few before the next goes...maybe what I am supposed to do with that feeling of loneliness is to spend it with my FAMILY. Have a coffee date with my girls. Go on more dates with my husband.
If we were going to spend $50 inviting another family over for dinner- why not just take our family to see a movie we have been wanting to see instead?

This could be a remarkable opportunity for The Neu Crew! I cannot wait to see how this all turns out now.... I will keep you posted! :)

Forgiveness Part 2

What about forgiving yourself??

Since we are all imperfect, we ALL mess up! Sometimes, we do it on accident. Sometimes, we do wrong KNOWINGLY.

In my humble opinion, it is pretty easy to firgive yourself when you have done something wrong accidentally; however, when you know something is wrong and do it anyway, it is a little more difficult to forgive yourself.

I say this, picture your best friend, of someone else you love tremendously having done the same thing(s), and then looking back and feeling remorse- wishing they hadn't done it or said it, and seeking to be forgiven.

WOULD YOU FORGIVE THEM???

If you said, "Yes"- then put that same perspective on you and your situation. FORGIVE YOURSELF!!

Since, ALL OF US ARE IMPERFECT- we are ALL going to need forgiveness. Yes, that includes the one writing this and the one reading it! :)

Forgiveness Part 1

THIS seems like a HUGE topic....
although, it isn't really that ginormous when you break it down!
So, I am gonna try to break it down, yo! lol
Many people think that in forgiving another person, you are saying that what they did is OK.

NOT TRUE!!!!!!         

What is actually happening within forgiveness is that you are not requiring or wanting revenge- or justice for what happened.

I have struggled with this in my life with people on many different levels. I have needed to learn to forgive wrong that was done by way of heart-break, death, physical abuse, verbal mistreatment, judgemental attitudes...some things that were intentional and some that were not. My struggles are the same as everyone else on the planet. We have all been wronged- we are all imperfect!

In some instances these wrongs were realized by the other person(s) involved and they sought out my forgiveness. In some instances, they never realized their part -or if they did, simply didn't care enough to seek the forgiveness.

I am FAR from perfect. But, I have been looking at, dealing with, and praying about forgiveness since early this past spring. Probably almost 9 months. I can honestly say that at this moment in time, I feel I have forgiven every person in every situation as far back as I can remember and as recent as this morning, at this moment. :)

It is a GREAT feeling, being at a place of forgiveness, as harboring unforgiveness makes me restless...makes me feel a sense of discontentment...and brings me to a place of almost torment inside at times with feelings of resentment and unfinished business. It makes me UGLY.

The thing about forgiveness is that it can be a reoccurring event. Being imperfect beings, we can have moments where we slip back and those old wounds are reopened and we have to forgive once again.

But, it is worth it! FAR better than the alternative- When I don't forgive, on the outside it is apparent, as I have nothing nice to say about the other person. I may have nothing but ugly words to say to the person or about the person. I may hate the thought of even being in their presence- or picture dumping a bucket of ice cold water over their head out in the snow- or even slapping them across the face in my mind. On the indside I am churning...thinking over and over again about the situation- unable to let it go- unable to move on. Inside I am stuck. IT IS UGLY!

 It is poison!


It is poison to us...not to the other person when we harbor unforgiveness....
The other person, as I stated earlier, may not even realize that they have done wrong- or they may just not care. If that is the case- the only person being damaged by the torment  going on in your mind and body over the issue at hand is YOU!

Why do that to yourself????? :)

Insecurity .... Don't Let It!

This week I have been thinking a lot about insecurity. The topic came up in a Beth Moore Bible study I am doing with some wonderful women that I am friends with.

According to the free online dictionary it means
1. Not sure or certain; doubtful:

2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe:

3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady:

4. a. Lacking stability; troubled: b. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety:

The thing about insecurity is seems to affect everyone in some way at some point in life.

It would also seem that most of it begins in our formative years when we depend on someone and they somehow do not meet the need for which we were depending on them. But, it can happen throughout life.

Basically, since we are all human- which means none of us is perfect- we are bound to let someone else down- even when we try our best not to. But, depending on how severe the let down- or how often it happened- this could have a lot to do with just how insecure an individual becomes and/ or how long it takes them to become more secure.

The very troubling thing about insecurity is that it does nothing but destroy. I think I agree completely with Beth in that insecurity leads to JEALOUSY, ENVY, MANIPULATION, LOW SELF-ESTEEM, PROMISCUITY, UNBELIEF, and I have already added FEAR, LACK OF TRUST, and SKEPTICISM to that list.... all of these things cause breakdown in relationships we have with other people....and that break down in relationship leads to more insecurity....it seems it is somewhat of a vicious cycle...

Have you ever noticed a person who seems to be pretty secure about themselves? A lot of times those who are more insecure just cannot handle that person. They seem to have a hard time even wanting a relationship with a very secure person as it seems to scare them. Maybe because they have to face their insecurities instead of ignoring them- maybe in the light of security, they know it is bound to show just how insecure they themselves really are.

I lived a good portion of my life in insecurity. And, honestly, it can still be a struggle - insecurity has shown itself in my life in a fear of not living up to someone's expectations, or being abandoned- which has either made me choose to not even try at a relationship- or try too much! It has caused a lack of trust -formed on the basis of history with others- not with the one- which is unfair to the one....

I remember even coming in contact myself with those very secure people - which used to make me shy away and feel "not good enough"- now I LOVE to be around secure people as they inspire me!! And when you hang out with secure people, you discover that they are just like everyone else- except for the way they look at and handle mistakes and failures and fears. They are more optimistic and handle themselves and their lives as such....especially the valleys.....

Insecurity breeds breakdown. Breakdown of relationships and self-image....and often other-image. I think the best way to combat it is to look insecurity in the eye and NOT BACK DOWN.

Picture insecurity as a piece of splintery wood. As you sand it down-it takes strength and consistency  to go back and forth with and against the grain of it's wood without fearing splinters! It may start off prickly and a little difficult- you may get stuck a couple times (remember that splinters can be pulled out) , but ultimately, your life will just be so much more smooth- your relationships will be so much better- you will feel so much better- not having to live with it rubbing against- and sticking you all the time!

 Don't let insecurity destroy all the beauty around you- the beauty of relationship, of things available for you to try, to see, to do! Insecurity breeds- but you have the power to stop it!

"Given the Chance, I Hope You DANCE!"

Dancing....that is something I have always absolutely loved! I grew up in rather poor conditions, so I never really was able to go take classes to learn to dance- but I ALWAYS immitated those I saw dancing!

I recently became a member of something called "CREW" at our church- http://www.rmcc.org/ - Rocky Mountain Christian Church. I had been a part of Rush Hour- http://www.rushhourcolorado.com/ as a character- actress, playing the roll of mother to a very roudy, but sweet boy- "Vinny"- as "Mrs. T.".

That has been an awesome experience- and challanged me in a number of ways. Memorization, speaking publically, not laughing my head off while on stage at the hilarious actions and words that go on all in the midst of getting a message about a virtue across to children and their parents..... to name a few. ;)

This season, though- I get to DANCE as well as play Mrs. T.! I auditioned in the spring for "crew" the group of people that dance during the Rush Hour production. I wasn't sure if this was wise or not as practices are Wednesdays and performances are Sunday mornings- which happen to be 2 of the 3 days I am off from teaching Zumba...BUT!

WOW!! Last night, being on that stage- or even in the room- and dancing my heart out- jumping around, singing, smiling- what an incredible feeling!!! Often times as  Christians, we "hold back" and don't just really LET GO and PRAISE God with our EVERYTHING- but last night, I was able to let go! My entire body just bounced around in joy praising God!

I cannot help but reflect on that child-like, excited, energetic and joyful feeling that I had in dancing last night, this morning! As I think about dancing- as happy as I know I always am to see people let go and move- I can only imagine the God who made our bodies and minds and how he must feel to see us-his children of any age- just let go in joyfulness with all that we are and praise Him!! It brings a tear to my eye. Tears of joy and thankfulness that I have found a place that expressing in this way is not only acceptable- but WANTED. :)

So, much of this life is spent staying in the lines- and what we think others will think prohibits us from doing what we love or feel moved to do. Prohibits us from just letting our hair down and having fun! I feel so blessed right now to be a part of something that encourages just that! Truly, truly blessed and so overwhelmed and humbled that I GET to do it!

Below are some scriptures just showing that God MUST enjoy our dancing bodies! He made them so they COULD dance, after all! So, if you are given the chance, I hope you DANCE!!!! :)

"You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."
Psalm 30:11 (NIV)

"A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance."
Ecclesiastes 3:4 (KJV)

"Praise him with the timbrel and dance: praise him with stringed instruments and organs"
Psalm 150:4 (KJV)

"Let them praise his name in the dance: let them
sing praises unto him with the timbrel and harp."
Psalm 149:3 (KJV)

"And David danced before the LORD with all his might;
and David was girded with a linen ephod."
2 Samuel 6:14 (KJV)

You Can't ALways Get What You Want- (Expectations....)

There has been a recurring theme in my life over the summer. (Yeah, it has been that long since I have written in this blog.)

The thing is that I have been learning about EXPECTATIONS. Expectations are hopes or sometimes even demands, in a sense, that we put on ourselves and others. What has been becoming very clear to me is that seldom are our expectations met when we put them on others.

I think there are reasons for this. For one thing, no two human beings are exactly alike. No one is put on this earth to do exactly the same thing as another.Our expectations, at least my own expectations, are usually formed based on what I think I would do- how I think I would or would not handle a situation.... The truth of the matter, though, is that since no one else is my clone- or exact copy- more than likely, the way they think and the way they act will not be the same as me.

I am not sure I would always want everyone else to handle things the way I would. Honestly, even the expectations I have of myself lead to disappointment when I realize in hind-sight that I could have and should have handled something differently. If I don't even always live up to my own hopes/ expectations- how can I justify placing those expectations on another.

Even if I place an expectation on another, I have to understand that-- guess what?? THEY ARE ONLY HUMAN!!! We humans are IMPERFECT!! People will always let eachother down because of that imperfectioon- if perfection is what we are expecting....

In excluding seeking perfection, even having high hopes, or placing demands on others...who am I to do that?? I have my own issues to deal with. I have my own road I am trying to stay on and obey the rules of....do I really have time to police everyone else??  I don't even think it comes close to my job description- after all, do I really know WHY anyone else was put on this planet? Sometimes, I have enough trouble figuring out what my own reason for being here is. I am not about to begin telling other people how to do their job- when I don't know what their job may REALLY be...

I do believe that in some situations there is just a clash. There are people that just do not work well together. I don't think bad-mouthing, or trying to force another to change is helpful at all in those situations. In truth, it will probably just make things worse for all involved. In those instances, sometimes the best option is just creating space- or distance. Allowing them to continue their journey and allowing yourself to continue yours....PEACEFULLY, without resentment or condemnation....

One other thing I have noticed, is people -including myself- when putting personal demands and expectations on others are often the most unhappy people- the most discouraged- the angriest. I don't want to live that way. Do you??

How to Save a Life...

Wow. Angry. Disappointed. Frustrated. Sad.
You learn that someone you had contact with every week, was so hurting and so desperate in this life that they took their own life.
You wonder how you didn't realize it.
You wonder why you didn't spend more time with them- especially when they invited you.
You remember two other people that you knew and cared about and you remember the phone call from one and the hurt and the pain and rushing over to their house to find them collapsed and .... you called the ambulance and they went to the hospital and had charcoal pushed into their stomach...and they were fragile...but they lived.
You remember the other person- how you didn't know where they were- why they weren't where they said they would be and you found them at the hotel they were living in - saw them sprawled out on the bed through the little piece of curtain that was somehow pulled back a bit...and you knew. you just knew. But you got there in time and the ambulance came and this friend lived....she was in the hospital for a while...but she lived....
This time, you didn't know. How could you? you weren't as involved.
 "Don't blame yourself", you heard him say through your tears and sporadic breathing... but you are thinking to yourself..."I should have noticed. I should have taken time from my busy life to spend time with her. She wanted to hang out. I did, too. BUT, I didn't make time."
"How to Save a Life" is a song I cannot get out of my head.....
oh how i wish i could run right now...i would run and run and run and not stop until i ran out of tears...out of pain...out of sadness....out of guilt....i cannot run.....so i write...and i cry...and i cry....and shake my head....
Angry. Disappointed. Frustrated. Sad.

Learning Through Loss

I have no picture to put here...just words that express my thoughts and feelings about a rather sad topic.

Experiencing the death of a loved one happened to me for the first time around the age of 7, when my grandpa died.

When I reflect on the people I have lost, I sometimes think people may be afraid to befriend me if they knew the amount.

There are acquaintances, family, and best friends, and friends on my list and each touched my life through their living and again through their dying.

Through the loss of my grandparents- which I was blessed that most stayed around until I was an adult and had all of my children- I learned the importance of legacy. I learned that which we pass along to our children and our children's children is of the utmost importance. I learned to love in a very unconditional and personal way that I think one learns best as they age.

Through the loss of two of my best friends- one in elementary school who was killed while biking on a ride she invited me to go on, and one from high school who was murdered after we both had kids- I learned that death sometimes is so brutally unexpected and can end a relationship before you ever imagined you would have to let it go.

My niece, who was just 12 days younger than my oldest daughter, died when she was 9. This reminded me and taught me that as adults, we should never take a child for granted. And that sometimes, life lasts for a much shorter time than anyone would ever guess....and how unfair that seems.

A great uncle of mine passed, and though he was such a sweet man, I learned how ugly people can sometimes become when someone they love passes.

As I said, there are more deaths- but I will not get into each one. I will simply say this: with each person's passing, whether expected or not, I have experienced some degree of guilt. Some denial. Some anger. Some fear. Some depression.

I have realized or been reminded each time how much and how often I can take life and those people in my life for granted.

I have also come to the conclusion that death was not what we were made for as people. We were made as eternal beings and that means there should be NO END. I believe this is what makes death so difficult. Being left here without the ones we love. We feel an end that should not be.

The recent passing of a friend from one of my Zumba classes came as a complete shock to me. I try to make my classes a place where people can come and set aside life's troubles. I try to make it a healthy, happy place. And, I think it is. But, the death of this friend, reminded me that we never know when we encounter another- what their story is...so it has become even more important to me now to make sure I do what I can for each person I encounter. To give a message of hope and love and happiness. A smile, some encouraging words.... It doesn't take a lot to let others know they and whatever it is they are going though, is important. That they matter. That you care.

I have heard it said,

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

Leo F. Buscaglia quotes

My friend's daughter told me that when she saw me, she pictured her mom in my Zumba class, smiling and laughing and having such a good time. She probably has no idea how very thankful I was and am to hear that. Because I DO care. People are what matters most on this planet and I want the people I come in contact with to know that.

The Ying Yang of Life

If I had never been lied to, I would not appreciate truth so much.

If I had never been lonely, I wouldn't appreciate company as much.

If I had never been used, I wouldn't appreciate truly being cherished.

If I had never been really sad, I wouldn't appreciate being so very happy.

If I had never experienced loss, I wouldn't appreciate all that I have.

If I had never made mistakes, I wouldn't appreciate forgiveness.

If I had never been frightened, I wouldn't appreciate security.

If I had never been hated or disliked, I wouldn't appreciate love.

If I had never been sick, I wouldn't appreciate being healthy.

If I had never been hurt, I wouldn't appreciate tenderness as much.

If I had never been bored, I wouldn't appreciate activity so much.

If had never experienced and seen ugly, I would not appreciate beauty as much.

Even the not so pleasant and sometimes very painful things of this life have a greater purpose....don't forget to look toward what you have learned to appreciate because of the negative in life...then you may, in some strange way, even appreciate the negative.

Reflections on Mother's Day of What My Momma Taught Me....

Two winters ago, my mom was unemployed and was going to some place that was helping her in her jobless situation. While there she met many different people. A few of the people she met were jobless and homeless.

She had been living in a cheap place- it was really all she could afford without a job- and in the midst of her staying there, she became aware that a homeless veteran was ill and not being treated very considerately at the homeless shelter he would go to in order to survive the cold winter nights.

My mom did not judge this guy. My mom had compassion on him. She decided to switch places with him. She gave him her warm, albeit, tiny space that she was paying for with her minimal income and she went to the homeless shelter. She didn't ask for anything from him. She didn't even make it public knowledge that she was doing this. Her own kids didn't even know....

I have been thinking about this because tomorrow is Mother's day. I have chosen to go walk a 5K with my family to celebrate as it goes toward helping the homeless in Denver....and there are perks to go along- food and fun after, t-shirts, and ticket vouchers to a Rockies game later.

I know I have learned many things from many people....but I am thankful this Mother's Day that I learned to be both- nonjudgemental and compassionate in great part- because of my beautiful mother!

THANKS MOM! I love you!

Closing the Closet! What it all means....

Well, now you know some more junk about me. (That is, if you read the two blog posts previous to this one!)

Today was the big day. The closet was fixed and I was able to put everything that I decided to keep back inside- according to its kind and color. So happy! Now, I can relax in my bedroom again as there is no mess all around...I can close my closet and open it to find everything very easily- right at my finger-tips....

BUT, this did not just happen. Did it? I went through the realization that there was stuff I was trying to hold onto that I really needed to get rid of.  When I finally conviced myself to clear out the stuff that I thought was there just in case and bringing me comfort- I realized that in actuality, it wasn't bringing me comfort! It was making a mess- and causing me stress!!  PHEW! How nice it is to have gotten rid of that baggage- cleaned up the mess and now have all that I need (and more still, actually) and so little stress!!

I have a little life comparison here- sometimes in life, we hold onto things because we feel safe with them where they are- it is what we are used to.... Even when  it isn't good for us it is causing our lives stress and unneccesary mess. When we get rid of the junk causing the mess- we can breathe easier. We have less stress and less mess.

What is it in your life that you need to get rid of? What has been causing you stress and a mess? Will you do it? Will you part with what you know and are finding comfort in because you know it needs to be done? It isn't always easy- but oh it feels good when it is over!

Coming Out of the Closet part 2

Well, I went thru the stuff in my closet. I have about a total of 6-7 garbage bags of stuff that I will not be putting back in there!

It was hard getting rid of some of it. You know-- it was weighing down the closet bar and causing it to break-but it was my stuff- I was comfortable with it and it was there- just in case- and I had memories that were made while wearing some of those clothes...  or memories of who gave me the clothes.... But, I kept telling myself. You don't NEED all this stuff in your life! This stuff is just giving you a head-ache by the broken mess it is creating. GET RID OF IT! And so I did.

Now, I have everything piled on my shelf that belongs there- it is neatly folded and orderly- and this makes me happy. However, I have been waiting - the closet bar now needs replaced and some wood needs rehung and we are going to secure a third bracket in the middle of the long bar to ensure this mess doesn't happen again. So, I still have quite a pile of hang-up clothes on the loveseat. I am trying to be patient. I realize that sometimes it takes time for everything to be right again, once we have been in the middle of a mess....and so it is the case with this. But, I can now see that I have done what needed to be done to clean up the mess- to make arrangements for this mess not to happen again. I wait as patiently as I can to hang everything back up and get on with life as I know it- not in a broken mess! :)

Coming out of the Closet

Well, you see, one thing on my list of things to do when I gave up FB for 40 days, was to clean out my closet. I was feeling like I had too much. I actually was pretty poor as a young girl and have found there are certain things I tend to hold onto as an adult because of this.

One thing is food. DON'T touch my food. If it's on my plate- it is mine and I ain't into sharing~! Also, I always like to have back-ups on hand. You know gotta have an extra ketchup, mustard, salad dressing, mayo...don't want to run out. I eat most everything in a unique and loving way and I sometimes hide food to ensure I get some- and no one else eats it!

The other thing is my clothing. I have been given clothes- hand-me-downs- and for whatever reason, I may not really like them, but I keep them- just in case. I have clothes that don't fit me- but I keep them-just in case. I have clothes that are ancient- but I keep them just in case. LOL

So, getting back to the point, I went through and got rid of a couple bags of clothing from my big closet. It is not walk-in, but it is actually 2 closets with a long shelf over top. I used every inch of the bar for hang up clothing and then folded clothes on the shelf above. I have shoes and bags on the floor of it.- And, yes, they go all the way across as well.

It felt good to have gotten rid of some things. The next day, I slid open the door and I went to grab something off the hanger. I knew exactly where to grab as all of my things are hanging up according to likeness and color. Low and behold, it wasn't there. I looked, and to my dismay, NOTHING was there! I looked down and there was the bar, with all of the clothing, laying on the floor! UGH!

 

Frustrated, I called my husband and told him about the ordeal. I took most things out of the closet because some wood actually broke and the bar was bent...

He fixed things up and I began to hang thing up again. I got about half way through (after deciding not to hang up my wedding dress or heavy wool winter coat) and as I walked away I heard a big CRASH! NO! The bar had fallen again AND the shelf had come undone!! "WHAT??!!" I said, "I give up!"

I walked over and looked at the clothes on the floor of the closet again. I looked at the clothes on the loveseat beside the bed. I shook my head. I still had so much! Was he seriously telling me I should get rid of more? (He had made the comment after the first fix and second fall...)

Well, I had been in a state of refusal. I refused to understand how this closet which held more of my clothes over the past 8 months, could suddenly not be capable of withstanding the load! I was determined that I had gotten rid of enough. I liked keeping my clothes. There was comfort, somehow in knowing I had so much.

My husband was going to have one or two friends come and give him some pointers on how to fix the problem. I began thinking about the possibility of them teasing me when they witnessed all that I had and I became embarrasses and ....Then it hit me. I am tired of living in a messy clothes-filled room. I am tired of my closet breaking. I should not have so many clothes that I KNOW others would look and be amazed and possibly think I had a problem....I set out to give clothes to people who really NEEDED some- not some "just in case" but really actually NEEDED....and I had kept soooo much!

I am going to make myself change. I am going to go through and get rid of anything I have not worn in the past year. THAT should get rid of a lot of clothes!

Isn't this how we are though? We get comfortable. We like to keep comfortable. Even when what is bringing us comfort is breaking, causing problems, making a mess....we want to keep it....for some reason....

The next entry from me will be different. It will be pictures of a neat and tidy, fixed closet- with LESS. It will be of my experience and emotions as I cleaned it up and got a little uncomfortable...by getting rid of an old habit.....

Yes- it will be more about me coming out of the closet with this embarrassing part of me and my living...and hopefully, it will inspire someone not to feel so bad about their own issues.... :)

Sometimes the Best Things Cannot Be Planned...by Us

The girls and I recently finished reading Anne of Green Gables. We decided to watch the movie and eat popcorn to celebrate!

It was such a good story with powerful life lessons in it throughout- but I think a huge life lesson can be found that seems almost like a thread that is weaved through the story from beginning to end.

Anne came into the lives of Marilla and Matthew sort of unexpectedly. Yes, they knew they would be taking in an orphan- but they were expecting (wanting) a boy. There plans were to have a young man who could do some manual labor and work hard with Matthew.

Anne was a frail young girl. The only thing big about her was the gift of gab that she possessed! It was clear from the start that she was not what they were looking for.

To Anne, however, Marilla and Matthew and Green Gables was just what she wanted. More than she expected and where she really wanted to be and stay.

Three different perspectives...Anne was happy with what she had from the beginning there with them. Matthew seemed like he was not far behind in recognizing that maybe what he had thought he wanted or was hoping for, wasn't meant to be and that maybe Anne was just what was needed in their lives.  He didn't seem so "hell-bent" if you will, on having things the way he planned. Marilla, on the other hand- it seemed to take longer for her. She was somewhat a "take charge" "planning" kind of person.

For those of us with that kind of personality, we understand that sometimes when our best-laid plans- our hopes- our desires- or even our dreams go awry- we can take a little longer to accept the new way... the unplanned... the unknown...

I am by nature a planner. I have been as long as I can remember. Planning everything- names, vacations, schedules, meals, budgets. I enjoy knowing what is in store. I enjoy thinking and figuring things out.

This year so far, though, has handed me things one-by-one that I have been very shocked by. Things that were not in my plan, my hopes, my dreams. I am learning that something I have lacked in this life has been the ability to just surrender and relax and know that whatever happens, happens for a reason. That undoubtedly there is a reason for it...and it will all work out for some sort of good.

In the story- we all come to find out that not only were the Cuthberts and Green Gables a wonderful blessing to Anne- just what she needed to flourish in this life- SHE was exactly what THEY needed as well. Ahhhhh..... I love a happy ending! :) How much sweeter life is, when we learn to just be grateful for what has been given to us and truly appreciate our blessings and allow them to work in our lives, instead of trying to figure it all out on our own!

LOVE always PERSEVERES

This is to persevere: To persist in or remain constant to a purpose, idea, or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement.

As I watched the Passion of the Christ last night, It was not the first time I had watched. It was not the second. But somehow last night as I watched, I was overwhelmed in thinking about how calmly Jesus acted in the midst of betrayal. How calm he stood before His accusers. How calm he was as they antagonized and spit on him and attacked his character. As he received the flogging, he was in pain at the very least, for sure- pieces of his flesh being ripped from His body- and he was calm. As he hung on the cross- a tortureous, humiliating death suitable for the worst kinds of criminals- he actually prayed for the people who put Him there. He prayed and asked for them to be forgiven for they didn't realize what they were doing. This was a huge demonstration of remaining constant for a purpose in the face of obstacles....perseverance.

No one really questions whether of not Jesus existed. They do, however, question who He really was. Who was this man that history has recorded as doing many wonderful things while here- and making a lot of people very angry while he was here- and while being innocent of any real crime- was killed as a criminal while here- and then was unable to be found in the tomb he was burried? Some people dismiss Him of being anyone important at all.

There are eye-witness, recorded accounts of people who saw this man after He was raised from the dead. Of these people who saw Him, many are recorded as dying later (martyrs) because of their belief in Him. If I was going to question who He was...all I would have to do, really, is look to the ones who believed so strongly in who He was, because they were with Him the whole time. They were there while he performed miracles and preached, while he was persecuted and stayed so calm, when he died and was burried, and when he rose from the dead and showed Himself to them.

Some were crucified like Jesus. Some were crucified upside-down. Some died by the sword or spear. Why would any of them die for a person that was a liar? No, I believe they believed so strongly as they saw Jesus set on his course of love for others. Giving up Himself completely, in all humility, as a sacrifice for all and then, after dying, being raised from the dead- just as He said.

"No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily. For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again. For this is what my Father has commanded." John 10:18.

If he wasn't who He said He was, and He didn't do what has been recorded in History, and I had been following Him, I would have been embarrassed. I would not have wanted to be associated with it all. I would never have died for Him - or because of my belief in Him. Why would they?

But, He did what He did. He died like He did. He was ressurrected like He was, so that we could be forgiven. So that we could know that kind of selfless love and try to implement, in our own lives, the kind of love that He demonstrated. LOVE THAT PERSEVERES.