Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The Struggle... Weeding

My whole life I have been forgiving. Chosen the high road. Focused on positive.

This year was the most difficult of my life mentally, emotionally and physically as our family's entire life changed when my husband was diagnosed with Leukemia. Everything and I mean absolutely everything changed. My roles. The amount of time I could invest in anything other than taking care of my husband and my four girls diminished to being pretty much non-existent. I didn't sleep in my bed or any bed for about 4 months out of six... maybe more. I could not hang out with friends. I could not attend my kids' events. I no longer taught my fitness classes. Grocery shopping- planning meals, cooking- what were those things? Asking for help? I went from being one of the most helpful people I know to being in need of the most help. I felt as though I went from being healthy and having a great life to being helpless and sick (without actually being sick).

The strangest thing happened. In the midst of me trying to do what was best for the five people in my life I had to bare the biggest responsibility for, and keep my own head above water so I could actually function enough to still do that,  I had some people who simply said, "What do you need?" and they did whatever it was no questions asked. I had some who knew I wasn't thinking clearly and they just did SOMETHING, ANYTHING that they imagined might help. Others, though, they completely backed off- they disappeared. Or they became angry as they disliked a choice I made or the way I handled something. I had a flood of people I never really knew before becoming my biggest support and I had some that I thought might be my biggest support in a time like this who were just not there- or even worse- made a huge freaking stink of a drama and put even more crap on my already way too full plate. Then there were also those who lingered. They didn't push their way in to be present, but I knew that if I called them, I could count on them.... they called once in a while or sent a card. I am forever grateful to the many, many people who were there. Who didn't judge me at the time in my life when nothing made sense- including my thought process and actions, at times, but chose to love me through it - whatever that looked like.

What a mix! I realized in this struggle that in reality, nothing changed. It was just that what already existed in people was magnified... Myself, included. And this might actually be my biggest struggle now.

A huge wake up call came to me over the past nine months. I had been told I lived in a bubble and boy did I! I ALWAYS looked for the best, focused on positive, overlooked the bad.... It seemed though, that through this time of crisis, the pain and strain and overload I was under, couldn't, wouldn't and didn't allow for any kind of leeway. I quite bluntly had to call it like I saw it. And, now, I am left feeling like weeds have grown in my life and that in large portion, I have allowed those weeds to grow and have not pulled them. Now, they need pulled and their roots are deep and they are sturdy and I wish I had noticed them growing before so I could have yanked them- but I didn't....I chose to ignore them and focus on flowers.... and now I struggle to do what I know needs done.

The struggle is real, but I can't allow the weeds to take up space in a beautiful garden when they suck the life out of things I purposely planted and water and care for that I want to grow. Including weeds that attack me- almost as if they are poison ivy..... those weeds are the most deadly. I picture that old cartoon where the weeds reach over and strangle the plants beside them and that's how I feel. They make me feel like I can't breathe, like I need to escape.











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