Last year, I wore my "HOPE" outfit. Last year, I lived in a world that felt like a constant battle. Sometimes it was a battle to advocate for my husband, fighting to keep my children's lives as normal as I could, fighting to stay strong for my family, fighting to take care of myself.... I had never been in a battlefield like this one- so I prayed and did my best. For some my best wasn't good enough and I eventually reached the point that I passed my people pleaser mentality and decided my life was better without them in it. (That actually took me about a year to do! Oh why of why do I worry what someone else thinks when I know we all have one judge?)
Fast forward to this year...... CRAZY!!!!!
Especially this past couple weeks.
You hear the doctor tell your husband that one of three things will end his life, cancer, chemo or fungal infection and then they offer him to go home and you have said from the beginning, a beginning of 16 months ago that you JUST DONT WANT HIM TO SUFFER NEEDLESSLY.
You see, I am a Christian. I don't believe death is a part of God's original plan for us and I DO believe that when we leave this world, there IS NO MORE PAIN AND SUFFERING. NO MORE SICKNESS. NO MORE TROUBLE. I would rather know that he is healed and in heaven than struggling on this earth with a pain and suffering I can only imagine and watching him fight against it all..... that is one of the hardest things I have ever seen in my life. The second hardest thing I have seen is watching our four daughters watch it, too. If he can beat it, then by all means, fight. But, if you can't.... don't suffer needlessly.
So, I felt like they were saying, "There is no hope." I put on my "I will be strong through this battle." outfit, if you will. I also have researched and studied and I realized that the AML coming back wasn't at all favorable. I realized that adding to it pneumonia, a fungal infection on the brain and the fact that induction chemo did nothing to the cancer was simply NOT GOOD.
The odds seem stacked more and more against us this time.
The doctor said that some of us are more guarded now ... and that is true of me. I am. I have always prayed against having a hard heart and this is the hardest my heart has been in my whole life. I have seen the unfair and hurtful judgements of people and the unfair harshness of sickness and my heart is very guarded. I am guarding it for me and I am guarding it for my kids. I literally often feel like I am waiting to punch someone or something at any given moment - to take someone down.... I feel like a warrior. I am not a fighter, by nature... I am a lover, a peaceful person, a hippie. This is all new to me.
Two days ago, the doctor said that if his marrow showed any sign of cancer, they would be unable to do anything else for him. Yesterday, they said they will now allow up to 20% cancer cells to allow him to continue to fight. 5% or less is required for remission. I never have claimed to be logical.... but...None of this is making sense to me. The doctor told him, he feels like Mark should fight, but if at any time, he says he is done fighting, that is ok.
How can you go back and forth so much concerning something- especially a life or death something??? It is hard to adapt for me especially in the midst of preparing myself still from the last news only to get new news to prepare for again, in a different way. How could you be ready to let him go home two weeks ago and then swing over here? I don't feel like I trust the doctors now. I don't feel like I trust anything.
Mark, if you want to fight, fight. I will fight with you. If you want to stop, stop. I will be there to support you. No choice is an easy one and none seems fair. I am sorry you are going through this. I am sorry to watch our kids go through this... and your family. I feel empty and helpless....
So, there is a song I sing right now... a song that resonates from within....
"Broken Hallelujah". The Afters https://youtu.be/Fo3DudOzV4k
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Healing- One thing you can count on.
Holding my baby girl in my arms as she asked me the tough questions...
"What if he doesn't make it?" "This could end badly, couldn't it?"
I tell everyone that I am the kind of person who hopes and prays for the best and prepares for the worst. I need to know the spectrum I am dealing with. I have four kids to think about.
Yes, this could end badly. I would be lying to you if I said I knew that everything this might not end poorly. None of us have that guarantee in life. No one knows what could happen- I could walk out into the street and be hit by a car tomorrow.
The first church we went to was a church called the Chapel at Blendon. A woman had cancer and she had her hands lifted as they prayed for her healing. When they finished, she said, "I will either be healed here on earth, or I will be healed in heaven with God." That has always stuck with me. That is how it is with all of us. We pray for healing and we WILL be healed. Either here on earth, or in heaven with God.
Is that comforting? in some ways it's not- Not to the people who love you- who want more time, have plans and need you. But, to know that if healing doesn't happen on earth, having the peace that it happens in heaven- no more pain- no more suffering. That is hope! No matter what, you WILL BE HEALED!
"What if he doesn't make it?" "This could end badly, couldn't it?"
I tell everyone that I am the kind of person who hopes and prays for the best and prepares for the worst. I need to know the spectrum I am dealing with. I have four kids to think about.
Yes, this could end badly. I would be lying to you if I said I knew that everything this might not end poorly. None of us have that guarantee in life. No one knows what could happen- I could walk out into the street and be hit by a car tomorrow.
The first church we went to was a church called the Chapel at Blendon. A woman had cancer and she had her hands lifted as they prayed for her healing. When they finished, she said, "I will either be healed here on earth, or I will be healed in heaven with God." That has always stuck with me. That is how it is with all of us. We pray for healing and we WILL be healed. Either here on earth, or in heaven with God.
Is that comforting? in some ways it's not- Not to the people who love you- who want more time, have plans and need you. But, to know that if healing doesn't happen on earth, having the peace that it happens in heaven- no more pain- no more suffering. That is hope! No matter what, you WILL BE HEALED!
Monday, June 22, 2015
Being "with"
One thing last year that I did not do near enough of is spend time with my adolescent daughters through the biggest trauma of their life- their dad having Acute Myeloid Leukemia. I was torn between two places and it was easy to physically see who needed me most. Him- he was anemic, getting transfusions, fighting cancer and affects of chemo.... He was physically sick. You knew by looking at him.
What you could not visibly see is the torment, torcher, confusion and heart ache that my daughters went through.
What was I going through? Who even cares. I was in fight mode. I was fighting for all of them. I didn't take a lot of time to think about how I was. I knew I needed occasional breaks. I knew I needed to rely on people to take care of everything else because I had my hands full with these five. I knew I needed to work out and to stay positive and to vent some.... But life was about them. Mostly about him.
I respected the wishes of my husband and my kids. They all felt most comfortable only having me stay home with them or me stay at hospital with him. I allowed a lot to be on my shoulders. I respected their wishes and I leaned into everything that was happening as if immersing myself in water and allowing the current to take me in whatever direction it needed.
I did not see the things my daughters needed as much- because it wasn't apparent on the outside and because I wasn't around them much. They are designed a lot like their parents and most people and are pretty good at making themselves "look good" to outsiders.
This year, I have help. I am thankful. This year, I can help my sister-in-law help my husband fight and I can be with my girls more. They have already been through hell.... and that hell took its toll. This time I am glad I can be here to at least make sure they have a person here - some stability in their life. Some structure and reassurance.
I have been with people who have suffered loss and stayed up right beside them all day and all night. Sometimes it isn't in what you say or do- it is simply in the being "with" that is most helpful and most meaningful. You don't have to have all the answers and you don't have to fix things... just being there... that can mean the world.
This part of the journey is comparable to depression. You can't see it the way you can see a person has a broken bone- but both hurt and both need to have help in the healing process.
Many people have told me they are also "with" me. Those words and that action means the world.
God bless you!
What you could not visibly see is the torment, torcher, confusion and heart ache that my daughters went through.
What was I going through? Who even cares. I was in fight mode. I was fighting for all of them. I didn't take a lot of time to think about how I was. I knew I needed occasional breaks. I knew I needed to rely on people to take care of everything else because I had my hands full with these five. I knew I needed to work out and to stay positive and to vent some.... But life was about them. Mostly about him.
I respected the wishes of my husband and my kids. They all felt most comfortable only having me stay home with them or me stay at hospital with him. I allowed a lot to be on my shoulders. I respected their wishes and I leaned into everything that was happening as if immersing myself in water and allowing the current to take me in whatever direction it needed.
I did not see the things my daughters needed as much- because it wasn't apparent on the outside and because I wasn't around them much. They are designed a lot like their parents and most people and are pretty good at making themselves "look good" to outsiders.
This year, I have help. I am thankful. This year, I can help my sister-in-law help my husband fight and I can be with my girls more. They have already been through hell.... and that hell took its toll. This time I am glad I can be here to at least make sure they have a person here - some stability in their life. Some structure and reassurance.
I have been with people who have suffered loss and stayed up right beside them all day and all night. Sometimes it isn't in what you say or do- it is simply in the being "with" that is most helpful and most meaningful. You don't have to have all the answers and you don't have to fix things... just being there... that can mean the world.
This part of the journey is comparable to depression. You can't see it the way you can see a person has a broken bone- but both hurt and both need to have help in the healing process.
Many people have told me they are also "with" me. Those words and that action means the world.
God bless you!
You don't know
You don't know - you think you know, but the reality is so much more happens behind closed doors than people imagine.
You think you know because a person shares with you what happens, or how it feels... but the reality is that you compare it all to your own experience... and it is not your experience at all- so you don't know.
It is empathy that makes you relate... RELATING is NOT KNOWING.
I have discovered that it is the case with many people- to realize this phenomenon and to respect it. To talk to a person going through something and to understand that they personally don't know, but might be able to relate. That because they don't know, they can't judge- but they can choose to be there- or they can choose to walk away. Being there is what gives a person more insight, more understanding... it doesn't mean they will ever know. But they will have supported and loved a person through something big and powerful. Being there with that love and support is often the biggest gift a person can ever give or receive.
Allowing a person to be on their journey and to learn from it because it is their journey is often hard- especially when you want to help them and think you know what is best. But, what is best, is not trying to be more than God is in their life. Not trying to control them or make them see or do things the way you think you would- again- the way you THINK you would because you DON'T KNOW- you haven't experienced life quite like another person has. God gives us free will. God gives us free will and then tells us to love and not to judge lest we be judged. God has each of us on our own path- a path designed specifically for us to help us grow... let people grow and learn. Respect that you don't actually know, even though you can probably relate.
You think you know because a person shares with you what happens, or how it feels... but the reality is that you compare it all to your own experience... and it is not your experience at all- so you don't know.
It is empathy that makes you relate... RELATING is NOT KNOWING.
I have discovered that it is the case with many people- to realize this phenomenon and to respect it. To talk to a person going through something and to understand that they personally don't know, but might be able to relate. That because they don't know, they can't judge- but they can choose to be there- or they can choose to walk away. Being there is what gives a person more insight, more understanding... it doesn't mean they will ever know. But they will have supported and loved a person through something big and powerful. Being there with that love and support is often the biggest gift a person can ever give or receive.
Allowing a person to be on their journey and to learn from it because it is their journey is often hard- especially when you want to help them and think you know what is best. But, what is best, is not trying to be more than God is in their life. Not trying to control them or make them see or do things the way you think you would- again- the way you THINK you would because you DON'T KNOW- you haven't experienced life quite like another person has. God gives us free will. God gives us free will and then tells us to love and not to judge lest we be judged. God has each of us on our own path- a path designed specifically for us to help us grow... let people grow and learn. Respect that you don't actually know, even though you can probably relate.
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