How to Save a Life...

Wow. Angry. Disappointed. Frustrated. Sad.
You learn that someone you had contact with every week, was so hurting and so desperate in this life that they took their own life.
You wonder how you didn't realize it.
You wonder why you didn't spend more time with them- especially when they invited you.
You remember two other people that you knew and cared about and you remember the phone call from one and the hurt and the pain and rushing over to their house to find them collapsed and .... you called the ambulance and they went to the hospital and had charcoal pushed into their stomach...and they were fragile...but they lived.
You remember the other person- how you didn't know where they were- why they weren't where they said they would be and you found them at the hotel they were living in - saw them sprawled out on the bed through the little piece of curtain that was somehow pulled back a bit...and you knew. you just knew. But you got there in time and the ambulance came and this friend lived....she was in the hospital for a while...but she lived....
This time, you didn't know. How could you? you weren't as involved.
 "Don't blame yourself", you heard him say through your tears and sporadic breathing... but you are thinking to yourself..."I should have noticed. I should have taken time from my busy life to spend time with her. She wanted to hang out. I did, too. BUT, I didn't make time."
"How to Save a Life" is a song I cannot get out of my head.....
oh how i wish i could run right now...i would run and run and run and not stop until i ran out of tears...out of pain...out of sadness....out of guilt....i cannot run.....so i write...and i cry...and i cry....and shake my head....
Angry. Disappointed. Frustrated. Sad.

Learning Through Loss

I have no picture to put here...just words that express my thoughts and feelings about a rather sad topic.

Experiencing the death of a loved one happened to me for the first time around the age of 7, when my grandpa died.

When I reflect on the people I have lost, I sometimes think people may be afraid to befriend me if they knew the amount.

There are acquaintances, family, and best friends, and friends on my list and each touched my life through their living and again through their dying.

Through the loss of my grandparents- which I was blessed that most stayed around until I was an adult and had all of my children- I learned the importance of legacy. I learned that which we pass along to our children and our children's children is of the utmost importance. I learned to love in a very unconditional and personal way that I think one learns best as they age.

Through the loss of two of my best friends- one in elementary school who was killed while biking on a ride she invited me to go on, and one from high school who was murdered after we both had kids- I learned that death sometimes is so brutally unexpected and can end a relationship before you ever imagined you would have to let it go.

My niece, who was just 12 days younger than my oldest daughter, died when she was 9. This reminded me and taught me that as adults, we should never take a child for granted. And that sometimes, life lasts for a much shorter time than anyone would ever guess....and how unfair that seems.

A great uncle of mine passed, and though he was such a sweet man, I learned how ugly people can sometimes become when someone they love passes.

As I said, there are more deaths- but I will not get into each one. I will simply say this: with each person's passing, whether expected or not, I have experienced some degree of guilt. Some denial. Some anger. Some fear. Some depression.

I have realized or been reminded each time how much and how often I can take life and those people in my life for granted.

I have also come to the conclusion that death was not what we were made for as people. We were made as eternal beings and that means there should be NO END. I believe this is what makes death so difficult. Being left here without the ones we love. We feel an end that should not be.

The recent passing of a friend from one of my Zumba classes came as a complete shock to me. I try to make my classes a place where people can come and set aside life's troubles. I try to make it a healthy, happy place. And, I think it is. But, the death of this friend, reminded me that we never know when we encounter another- what their story is...so it has become even more important to me now to make sure I do what I can for each person I encounter. To give a message of hope and love and happiness. A smile, some encouraging words.... It doesn't take a lot to let others know they and whatever it is they are going though, is important. That they matter. That you care.

I have heard it said,

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

Leo F. Buscaglia quotes

My friend's daughter told me that when she saw me, she pictured her mom in my Zumba class, smiling and laughing and having such a good time. She probably has no idea how very thankful I was and am to hear that. Because I DO care. People are what matters most on this planet and I want the people I come in contact with to know that.

The Ying Yang of Life

If I had never been lied to, I would not appreciate truth so much.

If I had never been lonely, I wouldn't appreciate company as much.

If I had never been used, I wouldn't appreciate truly being cherished.

If I had never been really sad, I wouldn't appreciate being so very happy.

If I had never experienced loss, I wouldn't appreciate all that I have.

If I had never made mistakes, I wouldn't appreciate forgiveness.

If I had never been frightened, I wouldn't appreciate security.

If I had never been hated or disliked, I wouldn't appreciate love.

If I had never been sick, I wouldn't appreciate being healthy.

If I had never been hurt, I wouldn't appreciate tenderness as much.

If I had never been bored, I wouldn't appreciate activity so much.

If had never experienced and seen ugly, I would not appreciate beauty as much.

Even the not so pleasant and sometimes very painful things of this life have a greater purpose....don't forget to look toward what you have learned to appreciate because of the negative in life...then you may, in some strange way, even appreciate the negative.

Reflections on Mother's Day of What My Momma Taught Me....

Two winters ago, my mom was unemployed and was going to some place that was helping her in her jobless situation. While there she met many different people. A few of the people she met were jobless and homeless.

She had been living in a cheap place- it was really all she could afford without a job- and in the midst of her staying there, she became aware that a homeless veteran was ill and not being treated very considerately at the homeless shelter he would go to in order to survive the cold winter nights.

My mom did not judge this guy. My mom had compassion on him. She decided to switch places with him. She gave him her warm, albeit, tiny space that she was paying for with her minimal income and she went to the homeless shelter. She didn't ask for anything from him. She didn't even make it public knowledge that she was doing this. Her own kids didn't even know....

I have been thinking about this because tomorrow is Mother's day. I have chosen to go walk a 5K with my family to celebrate as it goes toward helping the homeless in Denver....and there are perks to go along- food and fun after, t-shirts, and ticket vouchers to a Rockies game later.

I know I have learned many things from many people....but I am thankful this Mother's Day that I learned to be both- nonjudgemental and compassionate in great part- because of my beautiful mother!

THANKS MOM! I love you!

Closing the Closet! What it all means....

Well, now you know some more junk about me. (That is, if you read the two blog posts previous to this one!)

Today was the big day. The closet was fixed and I was able to put everything that I decided to keep back inside- according to its kind and color. So happy! Now, I can relax in my bedroom again as there is no mess all around...I can close my closet and open it to find everything very easily- right at my finger-tips....

BUT, this did not just happen. Did it? I went through the realization that there was stuff I was trying to hold onto that I really needed to get rid of.  When I finally conviced myself to clear out the stuff that I thought was there just in case and bringing me comfort- I realized that in actuality, it wasn't bringing me comfort! It was making a mess- and causing me stress!!  PHEW! How nice it is to have gotten rid of that baggage- cleaned up the mess and now have all that I need (and more still, actually) and so little stress!!

I have a little life comparison here- sometimes in life, we hold onto things because we feel safe with them where they are- it is what we are used to.... Even when  it isn't good for us it is causing our lives stress and unneccesary mess. When we get rid of the junk causing the mess- we can breathe easier. We have less stress and less mess.

What is it in your life that you need to get rid of? What has been causing you stress and a mess? Will you do it? Will you part with what you know and are finding comfort in because you know it needs to be done? It isn't always easy- but oh it feels good when it is over!

Coming Out of the Closet part 2

Well, I went thru the stuff in my closet. I have about a total of 6-7 garbage bags of stuff that I will not be putting back in there!

It was hard getting rid of some of it. You know-- it was weighing down the closet bar and causing it to break-but it was my stuff- I was comfortable with it and it was there- just in case- and I had memories that were made while wearing some of those clothes...  or memories of who gave me the clothes.... But, I kept telling myself. You don't NEED all this stuff in your life! This stuff is just giving you a head-ache by the broken mess it is creating. GET RID OF IT! And so I did.

Now, I have everything piled on my shelf that belongs there- it is neatly folded and orderly- and this makes me happy. However, I have been waiting - the closet bar now needs replaced and some wood needs rehung and we are going to secure a third bracket in the middle of the long bar to ensure this mess doesn't happen again. So, I still have quite a pile of hang-up clothes on the loveseat. I am trying to be patient. I realize that sometimes it takes time for everything to be right again, once we have been in the middle of a mess....and so it is the case with this. But, I can now see that I have done what needed to be done to clean up the mess- to make arrangements for this mess not to happen again. I wait as patiently as I can to hang everything back up and get on with life as I know it- not in a broken mess! :)