On death and dying......

One of life's tragedies is that moment in time when lives are separated without our permission or desire.

We were made for relationship and to love and to live.

In the beginning, when God created man, the plan was that there would be no pain or suffering or sickness.

The plan was that the life created would live forever.

In my mind, this is exactly why death is so painful.... so hard to deal with. Because it simply wasn't supposed to be this way.

Personally, I have had several deaths happen in my life. I will list them simply to be relate-able. Nothing is uncommon to us as people. We sometimes need to get over ourselves and realize that we are never alone in our journey. There is always someone out there with a similar story to our own. 

7 years old- Grandpa- he had been not well ever since I can remember. 10.5 years old- best friend was suddenly hit and killed while riding her bike by a drunk driver- she had asked me to go on that bike ride..... not sure of my age- but some time after this, my Great Grandma died- she actually was not fully responsive when she started moving her hand like she was writing- they gave her a pen and paper and she wrote the date that she ended up passing on. Middle School- my uncle who had just gone off to college that year was hit by a train and killed- I loved this guy- he was always helping me with basketball and being silly! In my early 30's my best friend from high school was stabbed to death by her estranged husband and then he also killed himself. A lovely lady who worked for me at our church passed away after complications from an optional surgery- leaving behind a husband and four young daughters. My niece- who was only 9 years old and only 12 days younger than my oldest daughter was hit by an SUV and killed. Devastating and familiar as I looked back on my own childhood loss. Both of my grandmother's passed away- I was extremely close to them both and this was a time that I literally cried myself to sleep several nights and woke up again in the morning, crying. My great uncle passed as well and he was such a blessing to my family. A lady that I had in some of my fitness classes and seemed to be bubbly and have a zest for life- took her own life- leaving behind two children and family and friends.....

Now, I  have learned something about death through all of these deaths....

One thing is that a cloud does not hang over my head because I have lost loved ones. This happens to all of us. We all lose loved ones.

Another thing is that every person handles loss in their own way. People need to have the freedom to grieve and be able to be loved through it.

Also, do not take life or the people in your life for granted. You really have no idea how long or how short your time with them is going to be.

It is absolutely normal to feel guilt. Feeling guilty that you are still here and they are gone. Feeling like there was something you could have done to make it not happen. Feeling like you didn't spend enough time..... guilt will be felt and it is normal.

Anger is a natural feeling. As I said earlier- this is not the way it was originally intended, so of course, you are going to be mad. Something was taken from you- a relationship. A life that had plans and dreams was ct short of seeing all of those plans and dreams achieved.

Denial- it's hard to believe this actually happened. You expect to see them and talk to them.....they can't be gone.

Sadness.... your heart is going to ache and feel like it is breaking. Again, death is not how life should be. With loss  comes pain and heart ache. Cry. It's ok. 

Feeling alone- sometimes you feel like no one understands your emotions. Sometimes you feel alone in death. You are not alone. I felt alone in death and went to a program called Grief Share. There, I realized just how common my feelings were- how alone I wasn't......

Eventually, we accept death- which isn't to say it is now easy or that we no longer feel the other emotions or cry....It's just to say that we have come to peace with the fact that death has happened, we realize we are going through this thing called the grieving process. We realize we are still alive and need to keep on living - even though it might feel awkward or wrong. If we really think about it, we realize the person we lost, would WANT us to keep on going. To live.

Sometimes, people need help going through this process- they get stuck. Depressed. They may try to take their own life to join the other. If a person gets stuck, GET HELP!! Medication, counseling and a good support group are imperative. There is no shame in needing help. As I said before- we are created for relationship- we need to be here for each other.

Even if you don't need professional help- it is so wise to seek support from others. In life, especially in hardship, it is so comforting to know you are not alone. Even if it means just finding someone who will stay up all night with you when you can't sleep for a while..... having another human being there WITH you can make a world of difference.

One really big thing that helps me to get through the loss of a loved one is my faith. I believe I will see them again. I believe that their life lives on through those they touched here on earth and also in eternity. I don't claim to understand why suffering and death happen other than to say we live in an imperfect world- but I have a HOPE that the way things were originally set up to be, will be again..... 

Another thing I realize, have experienced and know to be true is that you have a choice. After you have been through loss, you can use it to be of help to others. Compassion can form and you can understand in a way that others cannot what kinds of feelings and thoughts they may be experiencing.... Don't allow your heart to become hardened. 

This is what I call beauty for ashes.... it's a part of my story and it can be a part of yours. Use the bad things, the hard things, the ugly things, the sad things you have gone through in life to be of help to others. I am convinced that the losses I have experienced personally have helped me to be a person who cries with those whose hearts are breaking. To hug and hold up those whose knees are too weak to stand alone. To laugh whole-heartedly with the joyous. To understand that each of us has a story and a journey and to live and let live and truly appreciate life.