Being "with"

One thing last year that I did not do near enough of is spend time with my adolescent daughters through the biggest trauma of their life- their dad having Acute Myeloid Leukemia. I was torn between two places and it was easy to physically see who needed me most. Him- he was anemic, getting transfusions, fighting cancer and affects of chemo.... He was physically sick. You knew by looking at him.
What you could not visibly see is the torment, torcher, confusion and heart ache that my daughters went through.
What was I going through? Who even cares. I was in fight mode. I was fighting for all of them. I didn't take a lot of time to think about how I was. I knew I needed occasional breaks. I knew I needed to rely on people to take care of everything else because I had my hands full with these five. I knew I needed to work out and to stay positive and to vent some.... But life was about them. Mostly about him.
I respected the wishes of my husband and my kids. They all felt most comfortable only having me stay home with them or me stay at hospital with him. I allowed a lot to be on my shoulders. I respected their wishes and I leaned into everything that was happening as if immersing myself in water and allowing the current to take me in whatever direction it needed.
I did not see the things my daughters needed as much- because it wasn't apparent on the outside and because I wasn't around them much. They are designed a lot like their parents and most people and are pretty good at making themselves "look good" to outsiders.
This year, I have help. I am thankful. This year, I can help my sister-in-law help my husband fight and I can be with my girls more. They have already been through hell.... and that hell took its toll. This time I am glad I can be here to at least make sure they have a person here - some stability in their life. Some structure and reassurance.
I have been with people who have suffered loss and stayed up right beside them all day and all night. Sometimes it isn't in what you say or do- it is simply in the being "with" that is most helpful and most meaningful. You don't have to have all the answers and you don't have to fix things... just being there... that can mean the world.
This part of the journey is comparable to depression. You can't see it the way you can see a person has a broken bone- but both hurt and both need to have help in the healing process.
Many people have told me they are also "with" me. Those words and that action means the world.
God bless you!