Losing Religion

Hey there!
Last Sunday my pastor spoke about something that rings true for me.....
He spoke about GUARDRAILS......

He compared them to guidelines set up for people in the Bible..... Don't leave yet.... hear me out. Share your thoughts after you do!

So many people I know have this fear of religion. A prejudgment of religion or a judgement. I would have to say for those of you who are religious.... I would LOSE IT! Those of you who dislike or fear religion- you may have good reason. See, in religion, often times, people get into this habit of just conforming, mindlessly.... (and maybe that is just my own opinion).

Religion defined :
1   a : the state of a religious religion
>      b (1) : the service and worship of God or the supernatural (2): commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance

2

: a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices

3

archaic : scrupulous conformity : conscientiousness

4

: a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith

Being religious isn't what I believe God is interested in, anyway..... It is a relationship.

If God is my Father (spiritually) and I make that my comparison to a relationship one would have here on an earthly realm....You would understand, I think, that a Dad isn't interested in having a kid grow up in his house acting like a robot. I mean, for me, I would hate to think that I raised children who would blindly follow a set of rules I made for them without having the ability to think them through.... sometimes test them, but to learn that rules I set were guidelines to keep them safe and had their best interest at heart. If at some point I had a rule or guideline that wasn't good anymore or was imperfect, I would be ok with them coming to me to discuss it. Since I am not perfect, I would expect that sometimes, I would make mistakes.I would not want them to mindlessly or out of habit follow rules.... I would want them to think about what habits they were developing as they were developing and not just fall into some mindless rut..... I would want them to share with me their triumphs and failures and let me comfort them when needed, or share in excitement of their triumphs with them. I would want to be involved and more than anything, I would want them to KNOW without a shadow of doubt that I didn't expect perfection from them- but that the things I do I do to help them and not harm them- to guide them into a happy, rich and fulfilling life.

I look at the commandments or rules that are in the Bible as such - rules- however....more than that I have come to realize that they are guidelines set up to keep me safe and pretty much in a "happy place"....

These are things that all of humanity struggles with.... maybe you personally do not struggle with a particular one, but, for the most part.... being that we are all imperfect - we are all in the same boat.....

#1- Put God first. When we put things or other people in our life before God, we are bound to be disappointed and unbalanced..... 

For instance, maybe it is work- you wake up thinking about it, go to bed thinking about it.... it is your number one priority. When that happens, other things in life get slighted- family and friends- other things are not given the same priority that they need/ deserve..... God calls us to follow HIM first- give Him priority and then when we do that, we find other things and people falling into place. (God, Family, Business....) Maybe you have done this before- maybe not with work, but with a person, or a sport- making them or it your everything and then slowly watching most of the other things in your life fall apart....

#2- Do not make yourself graven images....

 If we make an image to worship, we will always be let down as they are not real. They are of our own making and we are not infinite, so neither is what we create. Eventually, what we create will fail to some degree. God never fails. To those who follow Him (relationally), they will fail at times as they are not perfect- but He never does.

 Maybe you don't know that about God. If you don't it may be because you don't have a relationship with Him. For those who do- life comes at them just as hard as it does anyone. The difference is they are not in it alone, ever. And, any situation that they go through, no matter how bad at the time can eventually be used for good. For themselves and most likely someone else they will eventually be able to help. There is a constant source of HOPE and HELP a believer and follower of Christ has that many others don't. Often times we think a person has everything- money, fame all they could want in life- and yet they feel completely alone and without hope until they begin a relationship with God. That booze, those drugs, that sex, those thousands of dollars spent on stuff just weren't enough- because they aren't.

#3 Thou shall not take the name of the Lord in vain.....using God's name in emptiness...meaningless....futile ways.....

I am a huge believer in this. A person can SAY whatever they want- but if you are just throwing God's name around and AREN'T believing and acting on it.....you have nothing. That, in my opinion, is why religion is bad. People pray, but it means little or nothing to them. People say they are a Christian and they follow God-- but it is just that- something they "say". There is no relationship there. A relationship goes both ways. A person can't expect anyone to feel close to them when they just talk about people and not with them. A person can't feel close to anyone that they just think about spending time with, but never see or do anything with.

Have you ever tried to have a relationship with a person like this? I have and it JUST DOESN'T WORK!

#4 Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. 

For crying out loud! Even God needed a day to rest during creation. If He does- we being mortal and imperfect certainly do!! Yet, we sometimes feel we can go on forever without a break! Personally, I get both recharged and  ready to tackle a big week every time I take that one day of the week to only rest and focus on God. I have been through periods in life, repeatedly, when I do not pay attention to this one and it shows..... I get exhausted, cranky, tired and unable to keep on keeping on at my normal high energy level!

#5 Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother.

For the most part, a person's father and mother, like God, want what is best for their child. (At times, since we are imperfect human beings this is not the case- and then it becomes more difficult as a child to show honor and respect- but it can be done with help- and sometimes is better done from a distance, if there is abuse and neglect involved.)

When, as a child, you disobey, dishonor and disrespect your parents, you are learning and implementing a behavior that will serve to destroy many potentially wonderful things in life. For one, you may come into harm's way when you break a rule they have put into place for your safety. For another, you learn that authority isn't important and so you get into trouble for treating a teacher at school poorly- or lose your job because you cannot handle being under the authority of your boss.

#6 Thou shall not kill.

I know this one may seem kind of obvious. People, even those who kill because we are in battle or war- are often traumatized by the memories of such an act. This one, unless you are mentally unstable is easy to understand why it is in place, I think. 

#7 Do not commit adultery..... this one kind of goes in line with the last one. 

Marriage is a commitment between a man and a woman. One of the biggest commitments you can make. It is a commitment that was also intended to involve God. People can break that commitment in a number of ways- they can emotionally, sexually or visually and also thoughtfully run away with another person outside of that marriage bond. When that happens, it doesn't really fill a void. It pulls you further away from your spouse, causing more problems than you had already. Feelings of mistrust, guilt, separateness and the like develop and a greater strain is put on the marriage than there was to begin with. This is one of the only times the Bible actually says it becomes "Okay" to divorce.....On the other hand, I know of several marriages that have been through an affair of some type or combined types and actually come out stronger- but in the cases I know of, the marriage relationship and each person's relationship with God is focused on and improved upon very intentionally for this to happen.

#8 Don't steal.....

Have you known a person who has stolen? They have to lie.... then make up another one to cover something else....it turns into a big mess. Also, they aren't satisfied with what they have. People lose trust in them. They usually feel guilty.Relationships are harmed, if not completely ruined. Why did they steal in the first place? Learning to earn what you have is important in life. Hard work is something that brings satisfaction- just taking things that do not belong to you, doesn't bring that satisfaction. Not being satisfied or happy is one thing, but we need to learn to be happy and content and even thankful for what we have as when we aren't, it can lead to many bad things....(this goes along with the last one)

#9 Do not bear false witness.... why lie about another human being.....? 

Again, this will only cause trouble. Destroy relationships, cause disharmony, chaos, emotional, verbal and sometimes leading to physical harm. When we speak of others it should be to edify, help, encourage..... not to destroy. I think about kids who are bullied..... so much harm is done when we speak lies to people telling them they are ugly, amount to nothing, spread rumors, say they are disgusting.... the truth is humanity is beautiful and amazing and has so much potential if only......

#10 Do not covet your neighbor's house, wife or possessions.

This one, in my mind is reflected in many others. We have given ourselves over to many temptations when we want something or someone we do not have..... Often times, people have this tendency to look at their own life and compare it to another person's. When this happens, often times, the only things we can see are what is allowed to be seen in public- and people generally don't allow too much of the bad in their lives show (a whole other topic, really). But, when we look from the outside in, things look shiny and new and lovely and so attractive. It is only when we live in it that we truly come to know where the dust collects, where the cracks and spider webs are, that the floors squeak or just how much water and fertilizer are needed to keep that grass so green! If we aren't careful and we buy into what we see from the outside looking in, we can become disenchanted with our own things and life and people in our lives and start trying to get in on what we think might be "better". When in the end, it is all pretty much the same.... You focus on good - you get good. You focus on bad- you get bad. You take the time to nurture- it grows, you don't it dies.....

I hope this shows- these "Commandments" aren't set up to make a person miserable or to be a "rule- follower"..... the Bible is clear that none of us are perfect or capable of keeping our noses out of trouble or not messing up! What is set up in the Bible again and again are GUARDRAILS- much like the ones on the roads that keep you safe. If you start to go off the path, and you hit one of the guardrails, it stops you or at least slows you down....to help keep you safe so you can continue the journey. 

Sometimes, we just scrape by the guardrail and it causes some dents and paint smudging....Sometimes, we break through the guardrail. Maybe we were going faster than it could handle or we just didn't pay attention or care at all that it was there and we flip and total our vehicle....

No matter what the case, there is no damage done that I know of that God can not redeem and restore! In a relationship with Him, we can come back to our Dad in heaven, because of Jesus' blood shed for us, and we can find forgiveness and hope. We don't have to continue driving around in a damaged vehicle and we don't have to keep repeating and replaying the accident again and again in our minds.....

Therefore, I don't like mindless RELIGION. Religion condemns me and reminds me I cannot live up to all the rules and regulations. I love God who wants a RELATIONSHIP, who knows I can't and won't be perfect and loves me through the mess ups and sometimes because of the mess-ups- because it is during the mess-ups that I realize most sometimes how much I need God! 

And I don't understand why people who feel like these Commandments shouldn't be shown in public or talked about. What makes them bad? But, I guess that, too is a thought for another blog..... ;)

"We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve"

"We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve".... a line out of the movie THE PERKS OF BEING A WALL FLOWER.

That line spoke to my very core.

That line is quite possibly the truest statement I have ever heard.

I have been pondering it for a couple days. It says what I have thought and felt and seen and known but now known how to put into words.

People chase relationships with people who are not good for them.... People stay in relationships where they are verbally or physically mistreated. People are sure that God doesn't exist- or if He did, they feel they are not good enough for Him. People close themselves off and refuse to be honestly who they are with others. Sometimes they put on a show and pretend to be a person they are not to impress or cover up who they really are.

People overeat. Overeat. Drink too much. Do drugs. People are lackadaisical about taking care of themselves- eating right, drinking enough water, exercising, getting enough rest and sleep. Some people don't even need another person anymore to beat them up as they call themselves the worst things, they cut themselves, they are convinced that they are unlovable and unworthy.....

In a very sad way it makes perfect sense.

We have all experienced this imperfect world. We have all been a part of it at one point or another.

Someone lies to you. Puts you down. Tells you you are not worth it. Tells you you are no good. Tells you they don't care or want you around. Tells you that you are crazy. They don't believe you anyway even when you pour your heart out to them. Or worse- they tell you they love you while they do these things.....

Someone is nice when you are standing in front of them  but then they talk behind your back in negative ways. They say you can trust them and count on them- you want to believe.....

Someone doesn't accept your humanity and they expect perfection from you- and you know you can't live up to it- and so you feel like you aren't good enough.....

Someone violates you sexually. You think that you are only good for one thing.... 

Someone violates you physically and you think you are less than others.....

Someone ignores your attempts to make a relationship with them. No matter what you do, it is just not enough. You always have to make the efforts and give of yourself and unless you do, they aren't interested. They don't initiate or try and soon you feel a sense of abandonment and rejection.....

These are some examples of the things we face in this imperfect world we live in. No one is perfect and we truly only open ourselves up to LOVE when we feel we deserve it.

Let me tell you- YOU DESERVE LOVE!!! You were created for GOOD. You were created for RELATIONSHIP! Don't deny yourself! Learn to love yourself and then you will know how to love others.....

Raising Kids in a Crazy World

If you know me, you know I love kids! All kids! However, my very favorite age group of kids happen to be teenagers.....

People think I am crazy or a saint because of this. But, the reality is that we all have different talents and gifts and to the people who think teens are difficult, but babies are easy, I would say that YOU are crazy or a saint! ;)

I like the teen years because it is a time of huge developmental change. Hormones are raging, brains are racing, social skills are demanding and independence is flaring! What an exciting time!!

With my own children (all girls), I have sort of counted down to their adulthood officially when they turned 13. 

13th birthday- In 5 years, you will be an adult.

14th birthday- In 4 years, you will be an adult.

15th birthday- In 3 years, you will be an adult.

16th birthday- In 2 years, you will be an adult.

17th birthday- In 1 year, you will be an adult.

Otherwise known as a GROWN UP! :)

Honestly, that is as far as we have come so far.... 

If I did my job correctly in the formative years- which many say ends personality wise around 9, then at this stage of the game, in my mind, my job has become largely that of a Guide. 

When they were very little, I had many more rules. I picked out food, clothing, friends, hang outs and the like. I did a lot of teaching and explaining to my girls along the way always having in the back of my mind, that as they grew, I would have less and less rules and prayerfully and hopefully, they would have learned enough from me to make good choices.

Teaching them to make good choices was definitely part of the journey. 

I would explain why I made the choice I made. I explained to them why I felt this outfit was appropriate and this one was not. I told them why eating this food was better than that one. I gave them insights into relationships with people and how to choose friends wisely, but how important it was to be kind to everyone.

All of the time and energy used to do this was of good use. In my mind, I knew if I put the extra work and effort in while they were so young and formative, they would grown up evaluating and thinking and looking at things from different angles....

As they got older, I gave them more and more choices.... If they needed help, I would help them create pros and cons lists. I would help them look at something from another perspective. I encouraged them to ask questions. 

I was never a "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" Kind of parent. To me that did nothing to help them develop, except teach them to just chew up and swallow what someone else was saying without thinking. I didn't want my kids to grown up into adults who didn't think for themselves. I didn't want them to grow into an adult who didn't know they could and sometimes should question authority. I did teach them how to do it respectfully, though.

I am and always have been honest with my kids. If I yell, they know I am yelling to get their attention. I am not a good "yeller" and I don't do it well, so at times it can be quite comical. (Like the time it made me pee.....)

I don't usually swear, but they know that when I do, it is because I am at my last effort in grabbing their attention.Yelling and swearing are not things I like, either, and they also know that.

They know I mess up. They also know that when I do, I admit it and I ask forgiveness. I am not a perfect anything.... parent, wife, sister, friend, daughter. I am honest with my kids because I think they need to know  perfection is not expected of them, either. Just that they try their best. Their best- not my best, or their friend's best or sister's best--- whatever best looks like for them!

My kids know my faith and it is a faith I have tried my best to teach them. But, we have also looked at the faith of others and we have explored other beliefs. 

As a mother of teens, my biggest thing is that they TALK WITH ME. I am here ALWAYS and for ANYTHING and I will NEVER stop loving them. They know there is simply NOTHING they can do or say that will change my love for them. 

I will give them advice- sometimes when they don't want it. I will continue to guide and teach and educate them. But, let's face it, I would be doing them an injustice if I were still trying to call all the shots and then expecting them to go out into the world in 1 year, 2 years- even the next 3-5 years and make good decisions for themselves!

They are each different, as individuals often are, so things vary from person to person. I try my best to treat each of them as an individual while respecting the fact that I also try to be somewhat fair. 

But honestly, one of them likes and cares way more than the others about make up and hair. One has problems in math and needs more time to study. One is so self-driven that it sometimes makes me nervous! One loves TV and is a great story teller. But, they are all girls, too and so they have similarities in that....

Of course they have each been attracted to a boy- isn't that how God made us? Completely normal! However, we discuss why they are attracted and when they want to have a boyfriend- WHY that is... and they KNOW across the board that the age may vary, but we will ALWAYS want to know their friends and their boyfriends as our kids are more precious to us than our cars and our home.... and just as we would never give keys to either of those things to a stranger, we won't give our daughters to a stranger!!

I would rather they start practicing while they are here with me (when I can still guide them and help them through difficulties), rather than beginning to make their own decisions and running their lives more independently when they leave here for the first time. At that point in time, I want them (and me) to be confident that they CAN DO IT! They have more knowledge, skills and experience already..... when life throws them curve balls, they won't just get hit between the eyeballs!

The cool thing is, that it has worked so far for us.

My girls talk to me. They know I have an open mind. That I am not going to be judgmental. That I am looking out for them and their best interest even if I give them advice they don't agree with or like.

I am not saying I never have to say no. Or set limits. I do. I am just selective about it. And I am more selective about the limits I set and what I say no to, the older they get. 

I understand that this is also necessary because a relationship where one person calls all the shots and the other has no input- isn't really a true relationship. It's a dictatorship. This can lead to huge breakdown. Kids sneaking and lying and hiding. On the other hand, a relationship where a person just steps back and says nothing and does nothing is also no kind of relationship, either! It says you don't really care- and so why should I come to you? Why should I value your opinion? In either instance, certain kids in households with these kinds of parents often run to others more way more than their parents to find their worth and to get information and guidance.

There has to be a balance. That is true of everything in life. Balance is key. And the balance will vary from person to person as each person is different.

I am convinced that even though so many people think and say the teenage years are the worst, they don't have to be. As the youthful independence of our children rises up, we need to respect and nurture and guide it- not try to crush it!!

I am convinced that this world IS crazy place- therefore, I need to be a place and a person of safety and trust and love for my kids. I need to protect that relationship from the craziness of the world and sometimes from the abundant and potential-to-be-overbearing love of a parent! I am the adult here, after all. So, it is my job to make this happen! I don't take it lightly. I pray all the time about it. And, just as I teach my children- I do MY BEST with it. Less than that is just not acceptable!

A Hardened Heart..... My Hardened Heart

It has come to my attention lately that something terribly disconcerting has happened.....
The fact of the matter is I once had such a soft and loving heart.... so soft it would bring tears to my eyes when I would see them in others'. It would be compelled to always think and want the best from and for someone else- always, no matter what.... even if they killed a bunch of innocent people. It would make me feel incapable of sitting on a jury to determine another person's fate.
This heart of mine over the years has seen some pretty horrible things. Had some pretty tremendous burdens. Been hurt. And.... as things like this have occurred, it has become hard. Like a wall being built up around it. Not willing to let things penetrate that may cause more pain, more let down, despair.....it has found a way to stay safe.... but, at what cost?

It stopped looking at strangers with a smile and started looking at them like they could possibly be harmful. 
It stopped feeling sorry for people who were in bad circumstances and instead thought- "make a different choice and alter your course, if you are so unhappy."
It stopped allowing a person to hurt me without in turn withholding a bit of love from them- maybe eve more than a bit.
I don't like these changes I see.
I like the reckless abandonment my heart used  to be capable of without even trying.
The forgiveness and grace that was so ready to be extended without worry of being used again or wounded again.
How can I get that back?
I am not completely sure. 
Starting today, though, when I see my heart hardened, I am going to make the opposite move and be more loving. 
When I suffer a loss, I will look forward to a new beginning and a lesson learned.
When I want to judge, I will love.
When I want to withdrawal, I will force myself to open up and love.
When I feel fear, I will ignore it, or face it and go forward anyway.
When I want to hold a grudge, I will forgive.
When I see someone else reacting with a hard heart, I will cover them in prayer and with kindness and be more nourishing.
I do not choose to continue down this path.....a soft heart, though it can be bruised, easily hurt and wounded, feels so much better than a rock hard one! This is one area of my body that no matter how much I work out, I want to remain soft! ;)

So Not a Superficial Girl!

I blog to work through things in my mind. I blog to get a message out. I blog as a way of venting. I blog to share sometimes in hopes that it helps someone else.....

Today I am working through things in my mind.

I have been on Facebook since 2009, I believe. I didn't really want to join, but I had some friends telling me I really needed for several months and so, I decided to at least give it a go! Fast forward about 3 years and some 1,300 friends later.....

Getting on Facebook was just starting to frustrate me. I mean, I could see into the lives of so many. I could look at endless pictures, read people's jokes, frustrations, accomplishments, let downs, see their foods and get hungry.... But in the midst of this, while I also tried to share my own, I felt a block. Something that just wasn't as satisfying and meaningful as the relationships I had with these people in the real world outside of Facebook.

Maybe it is because we are nearing the Holidays. Maybe it's because the novelty finally wore off for me..... Maybe it's because I am so relational.... but I am at a place where I just had more frustrations about Facebook than anything, really.

I only deactivated my account Monday. Today is Thursday. But, I have felt a peace I haven't felt in a long time. I have a world of people who's voices I can actually hear, and some of them, I can touch and sit with and talk to. I think I need this time to have relationships in "real time" right now. I need more than words, typed....still pictures to look at. 

My preference is old school. Getting together with actual people. Phone conversations and for those I am really close to and wish to see but can't- there are web-cams, Face Time and Skype and they are so much better than still pics!

Also, I am no longer waking up and wanting to check Facebook and see what I have missed. I am waking up and spending time with those I love. I also have more time than before. I am getting another work out in each day. I am taking an online class and going at a really good pace.

I am also not feeling as sad that I cannot be with the people I see and miss on Facebook because I am not getting the fact that we aren't together shoved in my face anymore on a daily basis.

So, for me, right now, this has been a good move. I do miss the ability I had to promote my fitness classes and keep people up to speed about a Missions Trip my daughters and I will be taking. I also miss putting pictures and info up for our High School basketball team.... but then I realize, I am giving others the ability to take a turn doing it!

It's funny, too. As many "friends" as I have on there, and as often as I would post, I have only had a handful ask where I am- why I am not posting..... just another thing pointing to the fact that Facebook is really superficial. Just another thing pointing to the fact that the REAL relationships I share with people are the ones that are much more than Facebook. The relationships with the people in my life who want to be there- who make an effort and who care how my life is and show interest through actual conversations are the ones I want to spend my time on and focus on.

I like to do more than skim the surface with people. I like to know and be known. To love and be loved. .....

So not a Superficial Girl!